Tag Archives: mall


opti-grab-from-the-jerkIt was a suicide mission. I knew that going in.

I volunteered.

That’s the way I like it. Long odds against … well, impossible odds.

I made my time (sic) and said my goodbyes. “Goodbye, iPod. Goodbye, iMac. Goodbye, iPad. Goodbye, Apple TV.” I’m only human so I brought the iPad with me. I knew we would make a fine Thelma & Louise moment together.

I was going to that McDonalidzed experience at the strip mall where they make eyeglasses. What the hell, you can only die once.

I made sure to bring my blue pen. We were decidedly heading out past the point of no return.

I squinted and turned to face my destiny. I took that warm feeling spreading through my pants as a sign I was doing the right thing.
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Viciously Malled

lego-wallHand in hand with my wife we strolled into a mall. Yes, this is a classic tale of horror.

We’d both spent time in our youth visiting this mall, which shall remain nameless. (Let’s be coy and say that it’s a little “square.”) We thought it would be interesting to visit it again.

We were insane.

I won’t say exactly how long it had been since my last visit, since that would date me, but it was approximately four score and seven years. Here’s to presidents that speak in code!

We circumvented the grounds but could not glean how to gain entry to the mall innards. So, we parked at one end and hacked our way through JC Penney. My tracking skills told me this would get us inside.

I was right!

Yanking my baby hard, I immediately veered left. As required by mall penal code, we pulled up at Mrs. Fields for some chocolate cookies a.k.a. “mall fuel.”
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Trampling is supposed to be fun

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving Eve. Just enough time to get in one more shot of negativity before the day the shit steps off and I pause my normal routing to give thanks.

Can do!

Tomorrow brings my annual benediction of hope and light. In guru parlance it’s known as the blind spot. But I’ll be back to form by Friday in time for hottest shopping day of the year.

May you shop until you drop.

And now, sing with me, won’t you?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

Let’s go shopping

Two new items featured in the (theoretical) Abyss-Mall:

The sleek, stylish beefy tee let’s the world know how you feel. Short and sweet with stark elegant simplicity. Show up in this shirt and you’ll be the strife of the party, silently judging and rating everything you see. Reek of negativity!

Election campaigns are no time to scrimp on negativity. In fact, if you’re not careful, your crafted message of negativity may get lost in all of the election hoopla. Well no more! Sum up your negative political feelings with this new radical anti-establishment tshirt. Whatever it is, you are against it!