I have decided, as a pubic service, to run some Elvis Presley lyrics through the universal translator. I hope you enjoy these as if hearing them for the first time.
Doubt my qualifications? Don’t. I was literally married under a velvet painting of Elvis in the Graceland Wedding Chapel, Las Vegas, Nevada. (But not to my wife, mind you.) I’m qualified enough.
Now bring on the big romantic ballads…
It’s Now Or Never
It’s now or never
(Daddy is in the mood)
Come hold me tight
(I will direct the action)
Kiss me my darling
(This had better be good)
Be mine tonight
(This will decidedly not be a long-term relationship)
Tomorrow will be too late
(Parts of me are feeling blue)
It’s now or never
(No promises after the booze wears off)
My love won’t wait
(There’s a BP situation in my pants)
Wasn’t that fun? Are you feeling all romantic? Make the jump and let’s do one more.
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With more than 30 years of comprehensive negativity experience, self-anointed Guru of Negativity Dr. Tom B. Taker* has seen it all. Now you too can directly benefit from his lifetime of accumulated hard won knowledge.
From the author that brought you the bestseller Society of Assholes comes an exciting book with a focus on interpersonal relationships.
If you think your relationship is a happy one and has a chance at success, then The 7 Loathe Languages – Secrets for Lost Lovers is a must read.
“It’s a pith of freth aire,” says one.
“Absolutely the finest drivel I’ve ever been paid to read,” breathlessly writes another.
The 7 Loathe Languages® is a crucial road map to destruction for happy couples seeking to ruin their relationships and energetically add excitement by making their lives worse.
Most people respond primarily to one loathe language. Some can be “bilingual” or respond to dialects within their primary language. This book will help you learn to identify the languages that are best for your situation.
Cautionary note: Actual “emotional abuse” is generally frowned upon and is decidedly not the goal of this book. The techniques provided, if properly applied, are subtle and, more importantly, stay within the bounds of legality. (In no event will the author assume any liability. Contents of the book are void where prohibited by law.) Any oaf with a sledgehammer can make a hole in a wall. But creating undetectable fissures and driving invisible wedges – that is an art that requires patience and skill. This book will show you how.
The 7 Loathe Languages®
Words of Inflammation
Vocabulary can be a powerful weapon and a wonderful method for controlling weak minds. You’ll learn how to identify key loathsome words that will help acheive your relationship goals.
Gifts of Aggravation
Who doesn’t enjoy a surprise gift every now and again? But what if the gift itself was a way to push buttons? The book will demonstrate several popular methods.
Torments of Time
Properly wielded, even time itself can produce remarkable results. If you or your lover speak this language, plenty of surprising examples will be provided, including our patented Abundantly Avoidant™ technique.
Cheating at Chores
A surprising number of relationships contain exactly one person who speaks this language. If you are in that situation, this language can help. Learn how to look busy when you are not, avoid the chores that your mate enjoys you doing the most, and identify the quick and easy chores that push the most buttons. You can soar quickly and easily with our emphasis on the low-hanging fruit. Prioritization is key.
A lack of personal space in relationships can lead to undesired outcomes like an increase of intimacy. This language works to deprive your partner of physical contact. Over time, if properly cultivated, your so-called “personal space” can be as large as a three-car garage and become an effective barrier to all sorts of relationship activities.
A Sense of Mystery
Too much communication can lead to trust and intimacy. Learn to cover your tracks and hide things. This creates the wonder and sense of mystery that will plant the seeds that will gnaw until they become mighty oaks of distrust and doubt. Techniques covered include passwords, leaving clues, doubling back on your trail, secret hideouts, alibis and more.
Activating the Senses
Perhaps most effective of all, letting yourself go cannot be underestimated. Again, subtlety and patience are key as you gradually and incrementally grow things like your body odor. Don’t miss an opportunity to score big on any and all of the senses. The chapter entitled “Untapped Resources” includes a section on how to enlist your household feline friends to add the smell of urine to your wardrobe. (If you don’t have cats, get them.) Even where all other Loathe Languages fail, this one tactic alone can pay surprising dividends.
Pick up a copy today and learn how to identify your Loathe Language and that of your partner. You can’t afford to wait.
* Ph.D. in Philosophy purchased from a prestigious online diploma mill which shall remain nameless without a court order.
This is my “L” post for the April 2011 “A to Z Blogging Challenge.”