After School Special: Booze Lotto Parenting
Sure, you love kids, so you gleefully punched out one, two or even octo-quantities of them. (Hint: Almost as many as a nine-round ammo clip.) But then, like a baby chick a few days after Easter Sunday, they stick around and are always underfoot, demanding attention and care.
It’s not like you can make a chicken-and-egg scrambled omelet with them and viola! Problem deliciously solved! (Although an amazing number of parents do find a way to carry out filicide but that’s decidedly outside the scope of this post.)
Like the vast majority of my blog posts, it all started when I decided to set foot out of my house…
Looking for some dinner my wife and I drove into the parking lot of the divey Chinese restaurant. The lot was amazingly full. What gives? The food must be awesome here, eh?
But when we walked into the dining area, only two tables were occupied. Huh?
That’s when I slapped my head and yelled, “D’oh!” I almost forgot I live in Oregon. That’s where they have a state-run lottery and run a continuous stream of commercials urging the citizenry to go out and gamble because doing so accomplishes “good things.” (Like increasing revenue into state coffers.)
Sure, they simultaneously run anti-gambling ads but that’s only because they like a mixed-up, dazed and confused populace. Let’s blast ’em with a hot mix of pro-gambling and anti-gambling messages … at the same time, they seem to be saying whilst rubbing their hands together in glee. That’ll learn ’em a lesson!
Indeed. What’s not good for the individual is apparently good for the state.
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Whole Lotta Lotto Goin’ On
It’s a banner year for Unfair Taxation of the Stupid (UFS or LOTTO for short).
I don’t have the economic data to back up the “banner” claim but who cares. I feel it in my gut. We just had a big jackpot which means were were subjected to all of the usual big-lotto-prize bullshit:
- Local news covering the “story” that people are buying more than the usual amount of lotto tickets.
- Chit chat from the UPS driver about $2 tickets and that no one from our state ever wins. (He was right.)
- Lots and lots of news articles on the internet about how winning can be bad. (Fuck you.)
- Blog posts up the ying-yang about how the ill-gotten booty would be spent.
- Nigeria and Facebook users teaming up to rock the scams like there’s no tomorrow.
- Excitement about who won and – do tell! – what are their plans?
I also see a lot of stories about all of the “good” that comes from government-sponsored gambling in the form of lotteries. “$X amount went to upgrade caskets for drowned puppies.” Well, la-dee-da! When I read that all I can see is: “Citizens in the great state of Iowa wasted $10x dollars by throwing their money in the nearest toilet.” That’s $10x not spend at local stores. That’s $10x not saved for retirement. That’s $10x not spent on their past due bills. That’s $10x not given to charity. That’s probably $10x money gone forever that most of the people who spent could ill afford to lose.
Wow. That is good.
They were talking about the lotto in the office. The boss made the mistake of asking me what I’d do if I won. “You’d never see me again,” I quipped. Sometimes I’m so damn proud of myself. Of course, I then immediately played it off like I was joking. It’s only a joke. Yeah. Right.
I thought about it for a moment and I said this. “I just read a story that says winning the lotto doesn’t necessary make people happier. I call bullshiats.”
This is what I’d do…
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Gambling For Jobs
With the invention of The Lotto, the government become a bookie. The state is now a purveyor of legalized gambling. Proponents tie the organization to positive benefits like funding schools and other governmental activities like parks.
But where does that money come from? People who gamble, methinks.
Governments have turned gambling into, what I like to call, “unfair taxation of the stupid.”
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No Polo – Lotto Luck
Do not bring up politics. Do not bring up politics. Do not bring up politics.
Ah, shit. I just pooched it three times.
There’s no place like home.
Laying in bed this morning I was thinking about my next blog post. I decided whatever the cost, it must not be about politics. So I decided to burst into song:
Tax cuts on the rich and hikes for the poor (no polo)
And you don’t want to endure years more four (no polo)
Spend your days fighting the right to abort (no polo)
Traders taking loses because their positions are short (no polo)
Or, maybe not.
Without further ado, the topic for today’s post is: The Lotto. (We writers call this a “segue.”)
My hypothesis: Each of us is born with X amount of “lotto luck” which we can use up in various ways. When it’s all used up, it’s gone. And when it’s all gone you win no more lotto. Evar.
I’ll illustrate with a short story about how I used up all of my lotto luck and took a major karma hit all at the same time. (I was an early multitasker.)
The wonderful content awaits just a stone’s throw away for those willing to make the jump.
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Me and Jessica Alba
Here’s a disgusting piece of unfinished shit. No, not Jessica Alba. I’m talking about another unfinished flotsam from my Drafts folder. See how much I value you, the loyal reader? I’m still suffering a severe case of writer’s block so this is what happens.
Thus we launch yet another meme here on the blog. This one is called “Tales from the Drafts Folder.”
Just for the hell of it, I decided to calculate the odds off me and Jessica Alba hooking up. It could happen.
- Population of Earth: 7 billion (rounded up from 6.75 billion)
- The population is about 50/50 by gender
- There is only one Jessica Alba
- There is only one precious and special snowflake known as “me”
Complicated mathematics formulae go here.
Q: Assuming a random “getting jiggy with it” between one male and one female on planet Earth, what are the odds it would be Jessica Alba and Tom B. Taker?
A. One in 12,250,000,000,000,000,000.
Unfortunately, that number is so big, I don’t even know what it is called. Probably something like a bouillon. So we’ll just use our poetic license and say the odds are about one in 12.3 bouillon.
That’s like winning the Powerball lottery 62.7 billion times. So I’m hopeful.
Likely ways of moving on from my current job
All good things must come to an end. Someday, somehow, I won’t work as a whore here in the shithole anymore. I have to admit the thought of such a prospect made me curious, so I got to thinking about how I might end up leaving … someday … and go to the mythical land of playful unicorns.
Alas, I realized that my best ticket out of here, Mama Compensation, is even less likely than getting a better job. Dammit. Of course even winning the lotto has higher odds than getting a better job. Scientifically speaking, getting raped by Hitler tomorrow would also have higher odds than finding a better job.
Realistically speaking, my best shot out of this job, short of death, of course, appears to be from the sale of one of my body parts. Perhaps I have some limited value to society after all.
Top Ten things I’ll do if I win the lotto
Did Dave Letterman rip me off? You be the judge! Below, you’ll find my top ten list that I wrote way back in 1997. You’ll find Dave’s top ten list next to it – note that his list occurred about six months later! Coincidence? I think not! 🙂
|Tom B. Taker
Top Ten Things I’ll Do If I Win The Lotto
May 20, 1998
Top Ten Things Dumb Guys Would Do with $175 Million
|10. Have all of my vital organs replaced with newer, fresher ones.||10. Buy 175 million more Powerball tickets.|
|9. Fund a lobby to outlaw gambling.||9. Buy 700,000 vowels on the “Wheel of Fortune.”|
|8. Quit job. Waste money. Beg for old job.||8. Buy something from the 99 cents store and tell the salesman to keep the change.|
|7. Invest all winnings in tamagotchi technology.||7. Pay part of Bill and Hillary’s legal bills.|
|6. Wallpaper my home with thousand-dollar bills.||6. Write book How I Won $175 Million and Why My ATM Code is 4968.|
|5. Bribe I.R.S. official.||5. Bet the whole wad on the Indiana Pacers.|
|4. Run three-minute ad campaign during Super Bowl promoting my web site.||4. Rent 175 million tapes from Blockbuster, then return them a day late.|
|3. Buy Microsoft stock.||3. Call the zoo and say, “How much for one a ‘them Godzillies?”|
|2. Hire creative team to rewrite my mission statement.||2. Put it all in CBS stock.|
|1. Get 47 million more lotto tickets!||1. Eat it.|