After School Special: Booze Lotto Parenting
World’s greatest mom.
Sure, you love kids, so you gleefully punched out one, two or even octo-quantities of them. (Hint: Almost as many as a nine-round ammo clip.) But then, like a baby chick a few days after Easter Sunday, they stick around and are always underfoot, demanding attention and care.
What then?
It’s not like you can make a chicken-and-egg scrambled omelet with them and viola! Problem deliciously solved! (Although an amazing number of parents do find a way to carry out filicide but that’s decidedly outside the scope of this post.)
Like the vast majority of my blog posts, it all started when I decided to set foot out of my house…
Looking for some dinner my wife and I drove into the parking lot of the divey Chinese restaurant. The lot was amazingly full. What gives? The food must be awesome here, eh?
But when we walked into the dining area, only two tables were occupied. Huh?
That’s when I slapped my head and yelled, “D’oh!” I almost forgot I live in Oregon. That’s where they have a state-run lottery and run a continuous stream of commercials urging the citizenry to go out and gamble because doing so accomplishes “good things.” (Like increasing revenue into state coffers.)
Sure, they simultaneously run anti-gambling ads but that’s only because they like a mixed-up, dazed and confused populace. Let’s blast ’em with a hot mix of pro-gambling and anti-gambling messages … at the same time, they seem to be saying whilst rubbing their hands together in glee. That’ll learn ’em a lesson!
Indeed. What’s not good for the individual is apparently good for the state.
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Unhealthy Whoregon
Advertising. Marketing. Sales. These are a few of the things I hate.
Life is meant to be more than simply persuading each other into spending money and consuming goods and services.
The fact that “sales” is the artifice of lies, pressure and Jedi mind tricks to compel people to do things they don’t really want doesn’t help its case.
Advertising can, theoretically, be something good. If you are in the market for a thing and there’s information about that thing at a certain price, that can actually be helpful. Unfortunately, most advertising has devolved into petulant attempts at distraction and attacks on the subconscious. Not just merely advertising, they are better classified as “persuasion attempts.” Some estimates claim the average American is subjected to 15,000 persuasion attempts per day. That’s hinky.
It seems obvious the game has shifted from being informative (advertising) to persuasion warfare (psychology). And it doesn’t have to adhere to the rules of the Geneva Convention or even be honest. Not content to simply remain available in case you might need something, the free market win-based transaction paradigm is now hunting you down to make the kill. The consumer is prey.
Taxes are funds taken by the awesome power of governmental force. As such, they are sacred in my mind. Taxes must not be used frivolously. Taxes must always be respected. Taxes must not be used to benefit some at the detriment of others. There are certain things taxes should be used for and certain things that must never be allowed to happen. Because taxes are monies taken by force that’s just the way it has to be.
What happens when tax dollars are used on advertising? Bad shit.
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Me and Jessica Alba
Here’s a disgusting piece of unfinished shit. No, not Jessica Alba. I’m talking about another unfinished flotsam from my Drafts folder. See how much I value you, the loyal reader? I’m still suffering a severe case of writer’s block so this is what happens.
Thus we launch yet another meme here on the blog. This one is called “Tales from the Drafts Folder.”
Just for the hell of it, I decided to calculate the odds off me and Jessica Alba hooking up. It could happen.
Assumptions:
- Population of Earth: 7 billion (rounded up from 6.75 billion)
- The population is about 50/50 by gender
- There is only one Jessica Alba
- There is only one precious and special snowflake known as “me”
Complicated mathematics formulae go here.
Q: Assuming a random “getting jiggy with it” between one male and one female on planet Earth, what are the odds it would be Jessica Alba and Tom B. Taker?
A. One in 12,250,000,000,000,000,000.
Unfortunately, that number is so big, I don’t even know what it is called. Probably something like a bouillon. So we’ll just use our poetic license and say the odds are about one in 12.3 bouillon.
That’s like winning the Powerball lottery 62.7 billion times. So I’m hopeful.
Top Ten things I’ll do if I win the lotto
Did Dave Letterman rip me off? You be the judge! Below, you’ll find my top ten list that I wrote way back in 1997. You’ll find Dave’s top ten list next to it – note that his list occurred about six months later! Coincidence? I think not! 🙂
| Tom B. Taker Sep/Oct 1997 Top Ten Things I’ll Do If I Win The Lotto |
David Letterman May 20, 1998 Top Ten Things Dumb Guys Would Do with $175 Million |
| 10. Have all of my vital organs replaced with newer, fresher ones. | 10. Buy 175 million more Powerball tickets. |
| 9. Fund a lobby to outlaw gambling. | 9. Buy 700,000 vowels on the “Wheel of Fortune.” |
| 8. Quit job. Waste money. Beg for old job. | 8. Buy something from the 99 cents store and tell the salesman to keep the change. |
| 7. Invest all winnings in tamagotchi technology. | 7. Pay part of Bill and Hillary’s legal bills. |
| 6. Wallpaper my home with thousand-dollar bills. | 6. Write book How I Won $175 Million and Why My ATM Code is 4968. |
| 5. Bribe I.R.S. official. | 5. Bet the whole wad on the Indiana Pacers. |
| 4. Run three-minute ad campaign during Super Bowl promoting my web site. | 4. Rent 175 million tapes from Blockbuster, then return them a day late. |
| 3. Buy Microsoft stock. | 3. Call the zoo and say, “How much for one a ‘them Godzillies?” |
| 2. Hire creative team to rewrite my mission statement. | 2. Put it all in CBS stock. |
| 1. Get 47 million more lotto tickets! | 1. Eat it. |
Shouts from the Abyss 
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