Time to mortar a brick
I’ve been hearing a lot of hubbub of late about online retail sales overtaking traditional “brick and mortar” businesses.
Boo freakin’ hoo. To my way of thinking that’s like worrying about one turd shitting on another.
Still, I thought it might be a good idea to reminisce a few moments about the proverbial good times of ye olde mom and pop. The good old days and the “little man” of Alan Jackson lore.
Brick and mortar? Mom and pop? Who the hell is in charge of naming this shit? Dr. Seuss? Family jewels are found in aisle 42. Bait and tackle in aisle 69. That reminds me: “Clean up on aisle 69!”
I’ve already written quite a bit about Mr. Online Entrepreneur. He’s slippery, slimy and makes jackals and amebas seem like highly evolved life forms. He lies about everything including – most especially – that the product you want is “in stock.” Then he gets your money and you wait weeks to find out if you’ll ever get the product he just totally lied about or if you’ll ever get your money back. Good times.
How about Mr. Brick Mortar? How does he compare? And who is this guy?
Does the plethora of dings on the side of your car give you any kind of freakin’ clue?
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The street smarts
We all know what they say about business. “Location, location, location.” It’s the subtle way of saying that location is important.
What you may not know is the next thing that makes merchants froth at the mouth.
Parking, parking, parking.
Froth is an understatement.
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Assholes abound
An aerial view of the property. The two trucks in the top-left belong to the property owner and are illegally parked.
You’re in for a rare treat today. Here are some pictures of the place where I work. I’ll bet you are excited now. Whoa now! Easy does it! Don’t get too excited.
We start with the aerial view of the property and a little background information.
The property is located within the city. The owner is a local developer. He wanted to build a structure that would serve as his headquarters (office space and storage) and also provide two other units that he could lease to businesses. Like the one that employs me.
And, because he wants it all, he wanted his very own parking lot, too, even though the lot size and shape made that problematic.
As you can see, the parking lot is a very tight fit. Employees are prohibited from parking in the lot because it is very hard for customers to navigate in such a confined space. But the owner wanted what we wanted so he found a way to make the lot fit – parking convenience for users be damned.
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In the left picture you can see another view of the parking situation. The final parking space is marked as handicapped, no doubt because some local, state or federal regulation forced him to provide such a thing despite his whining and tears.
In the right picture you see how he responded. He simply parks in such a way that he blocks the handicapped space from being used. After all, he does want to hassle with parking his big trucks in marked spaces and having to navigate in a parking lot that is too small.
That wouldn’t do at all!
When you are the property owner, you get to make your own rules. You know what rules are, right? Those things that apply to other people. When you don’t like the rules, be creative! Do things like inventing your own invisible parking spaces.
This concludes this reading from the Book of Assholes. Remember, they abound.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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