Monday Magic
I recently had a deep thought.
Life is lived one week at a time.
–Tom B. Taker
Let’s take a look at a typical week then, shall we? We’ll use my patented Poop Colored Glasses with Capitalism Tint.
In other words, this look is founded on a work-based viewpoint.
A lot of work-based people tend to favor Friday. They have it up on some kind of pedestal. Well, not me! Why? Because Friday is the work day closest to Monday. And it’s still a day where you actually go to work. Sorry, Friday. That puts you squarely in the Shit bin.
“Holy Time” is my description of the time between Friday at 5pm and midnight. Seven golden hours of goodness. This section of time is the most removed from going back to work. Unfortunately it’s also the smallest damn piece of the whole friggin’ pie.
Saturday is a pretty good day. It’s preceded by Holy Time, which is good, and to its credit, is also followed by a day that is not work. Therefore this day is “Good.” That’s high praise from the likes of me.
Sunday is a bit of a quandary. Since it is followed by a work day, it’s a very melancholy time. Yeah, it’s not as bad as work, but it is being chased by an ominous black cloud of death. Technically speaking, Sunday is a day tainted by evil. But it’s still not work. So this day we will classify as Tainted and/or Mediocre.
This graph is actually incomplete. It’s missing the slice that consists of the last two hours before bed on a Sunday night. This slice, if it had been shown, would have been represented with the terminology “Despair.” Technically it’s know worse than any work night yet is somehow amplified by the freedom that was just tasted.
The rest of the 168 hours in the life unit known as the “week” fall into a bucket known simply as Shit. This is, by far, the biggest piece of the life of pie. And I think that pretty much sums it up.
FOX Spews: There’s Something About Pope
FOX SPEWS ALERT! BREAKING NEWS!
Holy white smoke, Fatman!
We now bring you a LIVE shot of someplace on planet Earth where surging throngs of Pope nerds have assembled to hear about the selection of some guy in some religion.
But first, some pharmaceutical ads. Don’t worry! We’ll do the multiple window thing so the LIVE shot of St. Peter’s Square in Vatican City will continue while we run the commercials. It’s our commitment to you to bring you continuous coverage of these people milling around a square.
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In Praise of Praise (reblog)
My live tweet coverage of the Oscars:
https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173942427688779776
Personally I think they could have mentioned the number “84” a few more times. Lost opportunity here.https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173947440947396610
Just a few minutes in and I already wanted to kill myself because I scored perfect zeros on success, beauty and fame. The Oscars were underway!https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173947803461091329
He didn’t bring his A game. And I couldn’t hear him during his song. The music was way too loud and his mic was way too low. Perhaps they should have rehearsed before going live.https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173951661184786432
I wonder how much Nasonex paid for the shot.https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173952075179364353
I’ve heard a lot about The Help, mainly that the movie changed too much from the book, but I didn’t know anything about a poop pie. Count me in!https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173952184810086400
I have nothing negative to say about her. She’s incredible.https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173952450225635328
Ah. Bring on the nipple slip controversy. Some TV stations are doing the blur thing. Idiots. I raised my Slippery Nipple and toasted her dress (or lack thereof) and cursed the existence of “wardrobe tape.”https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173954531854532610
Real human emotion. Oh shit. It’s affecting me. Next!https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173957872496017409
Hugo! No, you go. Please. Why don’t you both go? In your Yugo.https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173958792445308928
Diet Coke aimed for cheese and succeeded brilliantly. As in, “I just threw up in my Diet Coke.” Ellen, however, was the bomb. Her commercial actually made me miss regular TV.https://twitter.com/#!/shoutabyss/status/173962707609976833
All night long, only when the Oscars were on (and not during commercials) there was something wrong with the audio. Some sort of weird background or feedback effect. My wife described it as honking. Whatever it was, I think they did the best thing possible by not making any attempts to fix it. It was probably a subliminal track instructing us all to think that Martin Scorsese is somehow cute.After that I became very disinterested and didn’t tweet again.
Sally Field’s “You like me!” Academy Award Acceptance Speech for “Places in the Heart.”
Tonight is the 84th annual Academy Award (Oscar) show. I’ve only seen one of the main movies up for an award, so I don’t know how interested I’ll be in watching, but the Oscar show brought to mind Sally Field’s acceptance speech when she said, “You like me.” I watched the broadcast when Sally Field made this acceptance speech, and I did see the movie, “Places in the Heart,” which brings me to the point of this post, which is not about the movies but about being acknowledged. Most of us want to be liked or approved of in some way. Strangely, many people also seem to be very stingy with praise, even when it’s warranted. Millions of words have been written about how easily we toss around compliments so much that the praise is…
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Dead Blogging: Jury Rigged
My dream of live blogging from jury duty died today. Since I’m not live blogging, I guess that means this this post-dated post (PDP) is a form of dead blogging. I kinda like the sound of that.
Live blogging is the act of writing, blogging and/or tweeting about events happening in real-time and as they happen.
Therefore, the logical extension of that definition is when real-time blogging is delayed, it must be dead. This is sure to be a hit with procrastinators like me. Blawg ya laterz! Rawr!
Without further ado, here is my dead blogging feed from day one of jury duty:
7:40am – The luxurious juror parking lot is blocks away from the Courthouse. After walking several blocks we finally pass by the lot where the judges, attorneys and staff get to park.
7:45 – Trudging up the steps to the Courthouse. Why do Courthouses always have to be higher than every other building in sight? I think it’s about justice and equality, with the Courthouse being just a bit more “equal” than everywhere else.
7:46 – Four human bodies can’t fit in the doorway at the same time. Noted.
7:47 – Handed a clipboard by a perky and very nice looking – OMFG!!! Turd buckets!!! Look at the size of that fucking form!
7:49 – Trying to write on my lap since no surface is provided.
7:51 – Analyzing the section about what to do if your employer offers jury duty pay. Does not compute. Where’s the checkbox for “The douchenozzle hates freedom?”
7:52 – Trying to grapple with an essay question regarding my feelings towards alcohol. Wondering if I’ll get in trouble for writing, “Hells, yeah!”
8:05 – Wondering if the world would come to an end if orientation actually started on time.
8:08 – Being told by the jury coordinator that today is going to be more “chaotic” than normal and that the room isn’t big enough to hold us all so we’ll have to “snuggle up” with our neighbor. Of course my “neighbor” is already touching me and, for bonus, has a lovely “I just threw up” smell.
8:20 – Jury instructions consist of 30 seconds of useful information and 19 minutes and 30 seconds of trying to convince me to give up the whopping $10 a day I’m earning for going a day without work. The word “donate” is being bandied about. The phrase “cold dead fingers” leaps unbidden to my cerebral cortex. I squirm in my uncomfortable chair and glare at the jury assistant.
8:21 to 8:41 – The video. ‘Nuff said. Can’t … speak … must … hang … on.
8:45 – Here comes da judge! What? A stand up routine? Ok. Perhaps this will be fun after all.
8:47 – Fuck. Now the judge is all serious and shit.
9:00 – The jury assistant is explaining more rules. No phones, no guns, no knives, and, this is a verbatim quote, “no blogging.”
9:01 to 9:06 – More stuff about important juror concerns like parking and weapons.
9:07 – There will be a slight delay as staff disappears to figure out what the hell might happen today. Apparently today is especially wonky.
9:08 – Now we’re being told what restrooms we can use. I want my mommy!
9:09 – They have commenced with the reading of The Long List of Numbers. This, of course, has been scientifically proven to put jurors into an “unbiased” state.
9:15 – What the hell? They didn’t call my number. I’m told I can leave.
9:17 – Sardines swim towards a small opening known as The Door. I hate everyone.
9:19 – Now I know why I hate “The Cloud.” I’m at the rear edge of a human-puffed mushroom cloud. Why am I the only non-smoker in a four-block radius?
9:30 – Finally! I’m safely at someplace where I can relax and have some fun. Work! (Now I know I’m sick.)
4:45 to 4:50pm – Calling the automated hotline. It takes them five whopping minutes to get to my number. I’m on deck for tomorrow.
Stay tuned for more dead blogging entries mere hours and days after they actually happened…
Will Windows Phone 7 save the world?
Guess which tile is the most special, Elmo!
This post is an abyss-style product review. What that means, of course, is that I’ll criticize a product I’ve never used, seen or touched.
When we last heard from the Windows Phone it was featured in a humorous ad campaign that promised to “save us from our phones.”
Well, how did it do?
The new ad campaign features people doing Important Things. In one commercial a parent is about to attend their child’s soccer game. In another a person is out clubbing.
In each case, however, before the people enjoy the real life activity at hand, they have to check their Windows Phone 7 to make sure all is well with the online world before engaging in some real life.
The clubbing commercial is particularly telling. Although the man is on a dance floor in a target-rich environment, he has to check his “Xbox LIVE” before he can even think about cutting a rug with the ladies. What is Xbox LIVE? It is merely the “unbeatable entertainment experience” for the Xbox 360. What is the Xbox 360? It’s a video game console made by Microsoft. I assume in the commercial the man must be keeping the unit under his shirt. Or maybe in his pants to improve his appeal the opposite sex and/or gender of his preference.
Yes, in the view of Microsoft, it would be normal for someone to go out on the dance floor and stop to check the status of their video game console before engaging with live human beings.
Maybe with the new Kinect live feature the man can put the phone in Kinect Live mode and dance with his video game system back home. No longer does dancing by yourself have to be embarrassing!
I have judged enough. I deem Microsoft’s promise of saving us from our phones to be an EPIC FAIL. At the end of the day Microsoft merely wants people doing more of the same with their electronic leashes. They merely prefer that it happens with their product rather than a competitor’s.
If Microsoft truly wanted to save us from our phones they’d invent a feature that tells the online world it will have to wait while we are out doing real stuff. They could call it an answering machine or something like that.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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