I have decided, as a pubic service, to run some Elvis Presley lyrics through the universal translator. I hope you enjoy these as if hearing them for the first time.
Doubt my qualifications? Don’t. I was literally married under a velvet painting of Elvis in the Graceland Wedding Chapel, Las Vegas, Nevada. (But not to my wife, mind you.) I’m qualified enough.
Now bring on the big romantic ballads…
It’s Now Or Never
It’s now or never
(Daddy is in the mood)
Come hold me tight
(I will direct the action)
Kiss me my darling
(This had better be good)
Be mine tonight
(This will decidedly not be a long-term relationship)
Tomorrow will be too late
(Parts of me are feeling blue)
It’s now or never
(No promises after the booze wears off)
My love won’t wait
(There’s a BP situation in my pants)
Wasn’t that fun? Are you feeling all romantic? Make the jump and let’s do one more.
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What happened in Vegas didn’t stay in Vegas. It got pooped out in my home town…
I know this guy. And no, just this once, that isn’t code for talking about myself. Let us call him Pete.
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At last, the Carnival came to the abyss!
It may not look like much, but this was a huge and unprecedented event here in humble Abyssia. For the first time ever the Carnival was in our neck of the woods.
The main attraction, pictured above, was a ride called The Cyclone Carousel. The carnies, however, called it The Widowmaker. Come to think of it, this was the only attraction. The photo above shows the carnival in entirety.
Perhaps feeling a bit over-enthused, I rode that thing all day until I fell off, projectile hurled, and passed out face first in my own tummy spunk. I never knew men could build such things. That ride pulled some serious G-forces and relocated my stomach. I was yelling “I feel the need for speed” and “talk to me, Goose!” as that thing spun me round and round.
The only real pain was having to get off and go back and stand in line each time I wanted to again. Well, also the time the guy on the ride in front of me pooped his pants. That was not kosher.
All we need here in Abyssia now is a 7/11 and an ATM and we’ll be just like big cities with their fancy schmacy carnivals. Las Vegas, watch your back. We’re coming for ya!
Lake Mead, the largest reservoir in the United States, is located about 30 miles southeast of Las Vegas, Nevada. It was created in the late 1930’s after the construction of Hoover Dam on the Colorado River. After the opening of Hoover Dam it took approximately six years for Lake Mead to fill, during which time the flow of the Colorado River was virtually non-existent resulting in environmental impacts all the way to the Colorado River Delta (where the Colorado River flows into the Gulf of California (the Sea of Cortzez).
Lake Mead serves as the main source of raw water to Las Vegas, which has been the fastest growing metropolitan area for more than a decade. The Las Vegas Valley has grown by approx. 500,000 residents since 2000.
As of May 2009 the reservoir was at 43 percent of capacity and the word “crisis” is used to describe the situation. Even though above-average rainfall in early 2010 raised the level of Lake Mead more than a foot at Hoover Dam, as of April 2010 the water level was reported at 1,100 feet. At 1,025 feet Hoover Dam loses the capacity to produce electricity.
The Southern Nevada Water Authority (SNWA) is pressing ahead with a rural groundwater pipeline project that will bring 150 million gallons of water a day from counties located in northeastern Nevada up to 300 miles away. An initial 75-mile segment of the project could be operational by 2012.
The SNWA web site says, “The Colorado River system is facing the worst drought on record. Lake Mead’s water level has dropped approximately 100 feet since January 2000.” (Source.)
“But that’s not soon enough. The primary raw water intake at Lake Mead could become inoperable as soon as 2010 based on current drought and user projections, spelling potential disaster for Las Vegas.” (Source.)