Tag Archives: las vegas

Elvis lyrics translated into English

The sperm about to penetrate the ovum.

The lucky sperm about to penetrate the ovum.

I have decided, as a pubic service, to run some Elvis Presley lyrics through the universal translator. I hope you enjoy these as if hearing them for the first time.

Doubt my qualifications? Don’t. I was literally married under a velvet painting of Elvis in the Graceland Wedding Chapel, Las Vegas, Nevada. (But not to my wife, mind you.) I’m qualified enough.

Now bring on the big romantic ballads…

It’s Now Or Never

It’s now or never
(Daddy is in the mood)
Come hold me tight
(I will direct the action)
Kiss me my darling
(This had better be good)
Be mine tonight
(This will decidedly not be a long-term relationship)
Tomorrow will be too late
(Parts of me are feeling blue)
It’s now or never
(No promises after the booze wears off)
My love won’t wait
(There’s a BP situation in my pants)

Wasn’t that fun? Are you feeling all romantic? Make the jump and let’s do one more.
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All You Can Meat


Close-up view of Pete's colon. Tagline: Just when you thought a colon would stop at 41 pounds of processed meat...

What happened in Vegas didn’t stay in Vegas. It got pooped out in my home town…

I know this guy. And no, just this once, that isn’t code for talking about myself. Let us call him Pete.
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The Abyss Carnival

At last, the Carnival came to the abyss!

It may not look like much, but this was a huge and unprecedented event here in humble Abyssia. For the first time ever the Carnival was in our neck of the woods.

The main attraction, pictured above, was a ride called The Cyclone Carousel. The carnies, however, called it The Widowmaker. Come to think of it, this was the only attraction. The photo above shows the carnival in entirety.

Perhaps feeling a bit over-enthused, I rode that thing all day until I fell off, projectile hurled, and passed out face first in my own tummy spunk. I never knew men could build such things. That ride pulled some serious G-forces and relocated my stomach. I was yelling “I feel the need for speed” and “talk to me, Goose!” as that thing spun me round and round.

The only real pain was having to get off and go back and stand in line each time I wanted to again. Well, also the time the guy on the ride in front of me pooped his pants. That was not kosher.

All we need here in Abyssia now is a 7/11 and an ATM and we’ll be just like big cities with their fancy schmacy carnivals. Las Vegas, watch your back. We’re coming for ya!

Human spam at home and on the road

Have you ever noticed how driving down the street in your own town is remarkably similar to surfing the internet? There are the real life versions of lies, false claims, pop up ads, rotating banners, yada yada yada.

Think about it.

In our town the big craze these days is what I call “Las Vegas style signs.” These are essentially giant televisions that are extremely visible to drivers. That’s a great idea, right? Distracting drivers of cars? Yeah. Great idea. It might even cause them to text message the wrong person in their address book!

As the price of these kinds of signs has come down the local merchants have slobbered all over themselves to get in on them. These are the same merchants who continually violate our city’s sign code with banners hanging on walls and fencing, signs that exceed dimensional limits, sandwich boards blocking sidewalks, etc. Another favorite tactic, sadly still legal, is to drive around town with giant ads in the back of pickup trucks. Of course I take special note of all these tactics and put the pricks on my Do Not Shop list.

The burger stand has a Las Vegas style sign. So does the mortgage company. The furniture company has one, too. So does the used car lot. And, guess what? Even the local mortuary has gotten in on the deal. I shit you not! The mortuary’s Las Vegas sign is visible through the windows of my freakin’ house.

Remember the old days when a fancy sign was the one at the bank and all it could do was display the temperature and the current time? It had something like a five-character limit. I even remember when they expanded and impresively added Celsius into the mix. Those were heady times. Then there were the “moving message board signs” where they could display short messages like “Have a nice day” in addition to the temperature and the time. A quantum leap in sign technology.

Now nothing less than a giant television will suffice.

I attended city council meetings and voiced my opposition to the signs in our small little town. If you don’t regulate them early, then you’ve screwed yourself for the long haul. Because even if you get an ordinance with some kind of limit later on, all of the signs that already have been installed because the council was asleep at the switch will be “grandfathered” and allowed to exist for the next 10 to 20 years or so. That’s the problem with city council, though. They are not proactive. They are reactive. By the time they notice a problem it’s because it’s already all over town and it’s much too late to do a damn thing about it.

The city council actually asked staff to come up with a proposal for an ordinance. I had a conversation with the director of the planning department and I told him, “You’ve got to think big. You’ve got to plan ahead. Don’t limit yourself to the Las Vegas style signs. Think holograms.” Yep. That’s right. I told him that as technology continues to go ape shit they should plan ahead and make the ordinance apply to three-dimensional space. My fear was that in just a few short years local companies will be able to buy projectors that will cast their gigantic logos up and spinning in 3D space just above their buildings and parking lots. When that day arrives I for one will gaze upon it in wonder as I slit open my own throat. Maybe they can vlog my death on Pay Per View. Damn, never thought I’d go out Lorax-style.

Of course the director thought I was nuts and totally ignored my concerns. City staff then came up with a proposal that was the weakest thing you could possibly imagine, much like using a tea bag to make yourself a 20th cup of tea. Their proposal didn’t address sign sizing, location or movement. It merely put an extremely weak limit on lumens. And then the council bickered over that lame proposal and rejected it outright. Not even that watered down joke of a proposal got passed.

And so it remains to this day. Even the mortuary brings the delicious flavors of Las Vegas to our humble little city. Joy. I bet that brings the families of the deceased a lot of comfort.

Then a big billboard company came into town and bribed property owners to put billboards on their land. These are the kind of billboards that rotate and can display multiple ads. Hey – just like rotating banners on web sites! These things seemingly popped up everywhere all over town overnight before we even knew what hit us. Once again the city council was caught flat-footed. They responded with a three month moratorium to “look into the issue” which has long since expired and nothing was ever done. I’m still waiting for someone to sell the space outside the windows of my house and block my view to the mortuary’s giant television sign.

What else can you see when driving down the street? There sure are some inventive people out there when it comes to advertising and mascots…

  • The mattress store has a mattress mascot. It’s a mattress with arms and legs and a face.
  • The newspaper has rolled a up newspaper for a mascot. It has arms, legs and a face.
  • The pizza place has a slice of pizza for a mascot. It has arms, legs and a face.
  • The local ice cream stand has an ice cream cone for a mascot. It has arms, legs and face.
  • The alarm company has an alarm sign for a mascot. It has arms, legs and a face.
  • The Kool-aid man has a pitcher of Kool-aid for a mascot. It has arms, legs and a face.

I think you get the idea. This is some amazingly clever shit we’re talking about here. Someone really put on their thinking caps. Not just anyone can think up shit this good. Madison Avenue – eat your heart out!

So these mascots stand out on the sidewalk in front of their respective businesses and wave at the drivers passing by. That is their advertising message. “I’m a mattress and I’m waving at you. Please buy our shit!” I just love the “home town feel” that our city council claims to be committed to preserving.

All good things must come to an end, though. You can’t drive forever so you eventually have to go back to the safety and sanctuary of your own home. Does the onslaught stop there? No way!

Here are two new tactics we’ve noticed in the door-to-door realm of hyper-bullshit:

  1. A clean cut young teenage boy came to our door. My wife answered. He opened with, “I’m sorry to bother you. Are your parents home?” Bedazzled by this line of pure and unmitigated gall, my wife informed the snot that he was talking to the parent. “No,” he replied. “I’m looking for your mom. You are much too young to be a mom.” HOLY BULLSHIT SUPER-HYPE, BATMAN! Offending the hell out of our intelligence with that kind of false suck-up behavior isn’t going to make the sale, young man. And I mean E-V-E-R. Not in one million years. Begone agent of Satan!
  2. A modestly dressed young teenage girl comes to our door. I answer. She opens with, “I’m looking for the man of the house.” Uh-oh. Here we go again. “That’s me,” I grunted, pounding my fists on my chest and yelling, “Ugga booga! Ugga booga! Me man, this house.” Undaunted she continued, “No, I need your parents.” ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!

I wish I could tell you I’m kidding. I wish I could say I’m exaggerating. Alas, I’m not. Apparently Jedi mind tricks like these work on some of the weak-minded out there. Just like spam, it continues because it works. These kids were coached, trained, and working from the same playbook by rote. I would not be surprised to learn they had been bussed in to work over our humble little town. Shit, maybe the local merchants even hired them.

Next time they better bring their vomit shields because they almost got a full dose of my fucking PUKE!

When does the onslaught of existence against us on all fronts ever take a fucking break????

Reservoir Hogs

Lake Mead, the largest reservoir in the United States, is located about 30 miles southeast of Las Vegas, Nevada. It was created in the late 1930’s after the construction of Hoover Dam on the Colorado River. After the opening of Hoover Dam it took approximately six years for Lake Mead to fill, during which time the flow of the Colorado River was virtually non-existent resulting in environmental impacts all the way to the Colorado River Delta (where the Colorado River flows into the Gulf of California (the Sea of Cortzez).

Lake Mead is named for Elwood Mead who headed the Bureau of Reclamation from 1924 until his death in 1936 (the same year that Hoover Dam was completed).

Lake Mead serves as the main source of raw water to Las Vegas, which has been the fastest growing metropolitan area for more than a decade. The Las Vegas Valley has grown by approx. 500,000 residents since 2000.

As of May 2009 the reservoir was at 43 percent of capacity and the word “crisis” is used to describe the situation. Even though above-average rainfall in early 2010 raised the level of Lake Mead more than a foot at Hoover Dam, as of April 2010 the water level was reported at 1,100 feet. At 1,025 feet Hoover Dam loses the capacity to produce electricity.

The Southern Nevada Water Authority (SNWA) is pressing ahead with a rural groundwater pipeline project that will bring 150 million gallons of water a day from counties located in northeastern Nevada up to 300  miles away. An initial 75-mile segment of the project could be operational by 2012.

The SNWA web site says, “The Colorado River system is facing the worst drought on record. Lake Mead’s water level has dropped approximately 100 feet since January 2000.” (Source.)

“But that’s not soon enough. The primary raw water intake at Lake Mead could become inoperable as soon as 2010 based on current drought and user projections, spelling potential disaster for Las Vegas.” (Source.)


Graph of Lake Mead water level.

Planning your visit to Lake Mead National Recreation Area.