Tag Archives: jungle

Where The Green Grass Lies

going-yardIf there’s one thing I hate, it’s fucking deceitful grass. Especially when it lies like a snake in the … well, fuck it. You get the idea!

Advertising lies to us all day. We get it. We expect it. Show me a person who actually believes the messages contained in advertising and I’ll show you a poster child for brain bullet enemas.

We also expect it from people right to our face. Like strangers. No one’s surprised any more. Right? Certainly not me.

Even so, somehow, after I’ve been spoon fed the line of bullshit right to my face, sometimes even I still have the temerity to feign chagrin.

“Of course you need the layer of protectant sealant for the undercarriage coating.” This, and other members of the coatings family, are what eventually makes your car look like it has a peeling sunburn. And you paid extra for it. Ha ha ha!

“It only costs $5 per month to add a second line to your cell phone plan.” When the bill arrives, though, it’s $10 and when you call to point out their error, they call you the liar. That’s known as the icing on the cake. “Did you get it in writing?” they demand. I vowed that day that U.S. Cellular would eat my ass when my two years of indentured servitude were up and they still had the temerity to say, “How can we keep you as a customer?” when I called to cancel. Those are (almost) the moments that make life worth living.
Continue reading →

Bad boss, bad boss

Appropriate attire for the urbane jungle

Bad boss bad boss
Watcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do
When I fling poo
Bad boss, bad boss
Watcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do
When camo hat surprises you

This post is “boss.” This is my Tuesday Twofer of a boss-themed post. Actually, this is my Wednesday post, but it’s still Tuesday while I’m writing this.

My boss returned recently from a trip and had a little present for me. It was a camouflage baseball cap. If I wore it with a camouflage t-shirt I imagine I’d look just like the gentleman in the inset photograph.

I think it’s the gift that keeps on giving. For example, it’s the perfect attire for going hunting. With that sucker on my head I’ll blend right in and it’ll really increase my chances for a head shot from someone toting a beer and a rifle. My boss probably didn’t even realize how tickled I’d be with this one. 🙂

Speaking of which, 44 states currently require hunters to wear bright orange in the field as a safety measure. A recent poll of hunters in Oregon, which is considering a similar policy, found that 70% of the members in the Oregon Hunters Association wanted the wearing of bright orange vests to remain a “personal choice.” Right on, my brothers.

Being told what to do by a pinhead idiot always puts a smile on my face

In other boss news…

Let’s say one day your boss stops by your desk and chews your ass because you didn’t get a task done on the same day it came in, like a customer order. He uses the opportunity as a teaching point to reinforce that orders must go out the same day, no matter what. He does this to you and he does it to your co-worker.

Then, let’s just say, about a week later your boss wants you to drop everything you are doing for some allegedly urgent and inane task that must be completed right now.

Being a diligent employee, of course you respond, “No problem. I can get right on that as soon as I complete these orders that have to go out today.”

Wait… for… it… you already know what comes next…

That’s when the boss says, “Oh those can wait days if needed.”


Thanks for confirming what you told me earlier doesn’t even matter, but it sure was worth rippin’ me a new one, wasn’t it, you submoron!

I love the smell of team building in the morning!