Gimlet the Dwarf
As a nexus of negativity, this blog has, above all else, an unbreakable commitment to truth and fact. Hell, that’s all you need to be a true negativist!
In that spirit (heh) I now say this:
At least one gimlet was harmed during the creation of this post.
Yes, courtesy of my wife’s desire to imbibe during the early-to-mid early afternoon and pouring the wrong spirits, I got to consume the “mistake.” Ha ha ha!
Let it be known she was making palomas but grabbed the vodka instead of the tequila. Oops! That’s when my solitary superpower kicked in and I saved the day!
Thinking on my feet I handed her the tequila and salvaged the vodka, adding only a dash of Rose’s Lime Juice.
Viola! A gimlet was born! (Then immediately consumed.) And a little something extra I call Afternoon Delight. (That’s code for an ulcer flare-up.)
Make the jump for a few more grimly gimlet details…
Continue reading →
I’ve got the Juice!
When life gives you lemons make yourself invisible and steal some shit…
Today’s t-shirt idea is a tribute to a bank robber from 1995 with panache and a fresh lemony scent.
McArthur Wheeler, age 45, 5’6″ tall and 270 pounds, was a man on a mission when he walked into a Fidelity Savings Bank, brandished a gun and demanded money.
There were two interesting quirks about his robbery attempt.
First, he made absolutely no attempt at disguise or hiding himself from security cameras.
Second, his eyes were burning, he had to squint, and he was having trouble with his vision.
About an hour after the robbery Wheeler was easily located and arrested by police, who had no trouble identifying the suspect from the surveillance tapes.
When interviewed, Wheeler expressed surprise at being caught. “But I wore the juice,” he explained.
Yes, during the robbery, Wheeler had covered his face with lemon juice. He was under the impression that coating his face with lemon juice would protect his image from being recorded by cameras. (Apparently he wasn’t worried about any witnesses identifying him later, either.)
Wheeler was no dummy. Prior to the robbery he had performed “various tests” including taking a self-portrait with a Polaroid camera. When he didn’t see himself in the picture, he reasoned that the juice must have rendered him invisible!
Later it was theorized that he simply must have aimed the camera poorly.
I loved the phrase, “But I wore the juice!” so much I decided to immortalize it in this t-shirt design. I would be proud to wear this t-shirt anywhere since I would also like very much to be invisible. It sure would come in handy. Squinty and painful eyes are a small price to pay for that!
This post is based on a story in the New York Times about a theory that some stupid people are too stupid to know that they are stupid. Or something like that.
The New York Times – The Anosognosic’s Dilemma: Something’s Wrong but You’ll Never Know What It Is (Part 1)
Something cold and clammy
Not the world’s best photo, I know. I obtained this image at great risk of life and limb after angering a nearby indigenous personnel. He approached me at the gas station and asked what I was doing.
“I’m taking a picture of that Budweiser and Clamato sign over yonder,” I said.
“Why?” he grunted, scratching his head.
“Because,” I replied, not yet sensing danger. “That has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen.”
At this point the fellow appeared to become angry and I had to leave before I could fiddle with the door and obtain a better shot. I guess sometimes photography can be dangerous!
If you’re like me, you see a sign like that and your first response is, “Whiskey tango foxtrot?”
Somehow, don’t ask me why, I already knew that “Clamato” was some sort of clam juice. Who was the first person, I wonder, who ever looked at the humble clam and said, “You know what? I’d just bet that thing will make a great juice!” Now that takes true vision.
How is it I live in a world where clam juice is freely available yet banana juice is not? These are the kinds of big thoughts that I like to ponder. (Answer: Because bananas are hard to juice.)
According to Wikipedia, Clamato is “a drink made primarily of reconstituted tomato juice concentrate. It is flavored with spices and clam broth.” The inventors apparently wanted to create a beverage that was reminiscent of Manhattan-style clam chowder.
When you combine it with Budweiser beer, though, apparently is becomes something known as Chelada. The Wikipedia has something to say about this as well:
The Michelada or cerveza preparada is a term loosely defining a Mexican alcoholic beverage made with beer, lime juice and assorted sauces, spices, peppers, tomato juices or Clamato. It is served in a chilled salt rimmed glass. There are numerous variations of the beverage throughout Mexico and Latin America. A common variation includes Clamato or Tomato juice.
All I can say is I must not have traveled this world very much. Somehow I missed out on Cheleda.
I’m proud to say that is no longer the case!
My wife confused my interest in the sign with desire and the other night a gigantor can of Cheleda appeared on the dining room table. “Fascinating,” I said.
“You don’t have to drink it,” she quipped.
“Oh no. I’m not about to miss out on this,” I daringly replied.
I have to say. I was more than a little underwhelmed.