Guru enjoys a HAWT cup of coffee fresh from the microwave. (Actor portrayal.) Click for original.

As a man of science, you think I’d be comfortable with a microwave, a device handy for exciting my molecules.

Think again.

I placed my mug of cold coffee in the microwave and closed the door. Using my trusty slide rule I calculated the optimum time. As the seconds ticked down I watched through the meshy window just in case things came to a boil.

Thankfully they did not.

The microwave chirped a friendly beep beep beep so I opened the door and took out the mug. I examined the dark fluid closely.

All seemed well. I stroked my chin thoughtfully. “Hmm,” I said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a flat calm.”

I put the mug on the counter, ensconced the sugar bowl in my loving arms and cued up a teaspoon of sweet heavenly goodness.

As the sugar cascaded into the mug it exploded I was knocked on my ass by a shock wave of exactly 1.21 gigawatts. Covered in burning liquid, I staggered to my feet. Only a crater remained where my mug had been moments before.

I realized I was crying. “Hot water burn baby!!!” I yelled.

Experts later determined the blast was equivalent t .42% of the nuclear device set off my North Korea just last week. So I’m in good company.

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