Tag Archives: infidelity

Tiger Tails

Tiger beat

I think it’s safe to say my photoshop skills peaked way back in the day.

Oh there’s a Tiger gettin’ tail it’s plain to see!
It costs a lot when he’s playin’ through the green
Well he just can’t wait like a shopper at a sale
Looks like The Tiger is gettin’ lots of tail

Look. I’ll be honest with you. I know exactly how Lindsey Vonn feels. I’ve also been medevaced via a snowmobile off a snow-covered mountain after a heart wrenching ski crash. I’m assuming that’s what it feels like to know Tiger Woods.

Today we pay tribute to our long-time bloggy friend, the sport of golf, and, of course, the concept of winning.
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Short Story: Promises #BlogShorts

by Tom B. Taker

Once, I had held her hand, gazed in those brown eyes and made a promise for all time.

That was ages ago.

What I’ve broken can never be whole again.

This post is part of the BlogShorts challenge. June 2011 – 30 stories – 30 words – 30 days.

Music: Promises

The Happy Happy Penis Club

If You Love HimIf you can’t beat it, cheat it…

There was simply no predicting that even Arnold Schwarzenegger would be a cheater.

True, he used to attend orgies. True, he cheated on his girlfriend of five years. True, he had an “open relationship” with his next girlfriend. True, there was Gropegate, before his first run for governor, when he was accused by several women of grabbing their breasts, putting his hand up their skirts, and talking to them inappropriately about sex acts.

If only there had been some sort of sign! I’m shocked and this all comes as a complete surprise to me.

So, in order to better understand this phenomenon, I’m thinking I should turn to a trusted lifelong companion for answers. And by that I mean the television.

What we need now is reality TV – and lots of it.

So I did some thinking and came up with some new show ideas. Hopefully I can pitch these ideas to network executives so this important programming can see the light of day.

Honey I Dunk My Penis – Men go on a talk show and reveal their cheating ways to their spouses in a surprise “gotcha” format.

The Talking Heads (AKA Cock Talk) – A discussion show in round-table format featuring the best and the brightest in the field including: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods, Newt Gingrich, Brett Farve, John Edwards, Rupert Murdoch, Ted Haggard and many, many, many, many more.

Brotherhood of the Traveling Penis Pants – This show follows the sexploits of four men who form an arrangement that they can only cheat when they are in possession of a magical pair of pants they all share.

The Political Staff – “Hard” hitting talk show about politics, cheating politicians and their dreams and aspirations to be president.

Whip-It-Out – Married men have to traverse an erotic obstacle course known as the Whip-It-Out Zone. Only one can reach the thrilling climax at the end and walk away with $50,000 and a case of crabs.

Have Penis-Will Travel – Infidelity done stylishly with an old West theme.

Highway to Penis Heaven – A weekly hour-long drama about a traveling salesman who nails women in every town he visits and occasionally gets back home to see his wife and kids who don’t suspect a thing.

America’s Next Top Faithful Husband – Tila Tequila hosts a Big Brother mansion filled with married men who must Survivor an Amazing Race to Temptation Island. Each week another cheater is voted out of the house until only the Faithful Husband remains and is crowned America’s most faithful man. The prize? He gets to keep his wife and family. And a year’s supply of Turtle Wax.

From the album Hi Infidelity:

Country & Western bonus:

I of Newt

Are you buying what I’m selling?

With a name like Newt it has to be good!

The Wall Street Journal reported today that Newt Gingrich, 67, will be forming a committee on Thursday that will allow him to raise money for a potential candidacy for President of the United States in 2012.

Lest we forget, who is Newt Gingrich?

As is often the case, I believe the answer lies in the values of the man. And what are those?

An appearance by Gingrich at the University of Pennsylvania provides important clues courtesy of a Q&A session with an Ivy League student.

The exchange went down a little something like this:

STUDENT: “You adamantly oppose gay rights . . . but you’ve also been married three times and admitted to having an affair with your current wife while you were still married to your second. As a successful politician who’s considering running for president, who would set the bar for moral conduct and be the voice of the American people, how do you reconcile this hypocritical interpretation of the religious values that you so vigorously defend?”

GINGRICH: “I’ll bet almost everyone here can gather the thrust of your question. I appreciate the delicacy and generosity in the way it was framed. . . I hope you feel better about yourself. I’ve had a life, which, on occasion, has had problems. I believe in a forgiving God, and the American people will have to decide whether that [is] their primary concern.”

Source: PoliticsDaily.com

Check out that telling response. Savor the humility. Immerse yourself in the inspiring sense of contrition. Marvel at the snarkcasm. Breathe in the snippishness. Bask in the glow of raw anger.

Yes, this is truly a repentant man ready to poise his finger on the Holy Button of Armageddon.

It must be true. Forgiveness isn’t something you ask for, its something you face with a snarl when you’re out trying to get what you want in the here and now. Forgiveness can wait for the hereafter.

Right on, Newt. The hell with the doubters! They are nothing more than little gnats buzzing around your head. Shoo fly, shoo!

I have a follow-up question, if I may.

Why is it so damn hard (no pun intended) to keep Mr. Winky in the pants?

Seriously. I’d like to know. What is so hard about remaining faithful to the woman you love and honoring the woman and your vows? Feel free to frame your response in a presidential manner. It’s never to early to play the part.

Okay, okay! One more follow-up follow-up question.

What’s the point in embarking on a journey you’ll never be able to make?

I’ll be watching your campaign with interest. Be careful not too fly too close to the sun!

Newt Gingrich and The Friendly Angel from Star Trek – Separated at birth?

The morality of losing your morals

I find my thoughts returning to it again and again.


This time it’s courtesy of Brett Favre. A man married to a breast cancer survivor. An NFL quarterback. A role model to kids.

Brett Favre. A man who transmitted pictures of his junk to at least one woman who turned down his unwanted advances.

Now another woman has come forward to say that she felt “harassed” by the superstar athlete, too.

I’m going to go way out on a limb here and guess that Mr. Happy Penis may not have been exactly faithful to his wife.

Reflecting on Favre’s situation today it struck me how deeply this sort of thing bothers me. I spent a good part of the last year skewering Tiger Woods for the exact same thing.

It leaves me asking one big question: What ever happened to morals? Did Brett Favre and Tiger Woods ever have any? Or has their public persona been just another role on the stage to hide all the rolls in the hay?

I’ve heard it said that if you toss a frog into boiling water he’ll jump right out. But if you put that same frog in cold water and gradually turn on the heat, it will never occur to him to leave, and he’ll stay in until he dies.

I wonder which is the case with folks like Favre and Woods? Was it is a long series of temptations and personal compromises until they found themselves in too deep? Or is that giving them way too much credit? Were they ever that decent to begin with?

Why make the ultimate promise to another person if you have no intention of keeping it? This isn’t an episode of a wacky TV sitcom. This is real life. These are real people. If you ain’t got the guts to keep your word you shouldn’t be satisfying your immediate selfish wants. Be better than that.

What is it about money and fame that makes some men toss their morality out the window like a hot potato? Or is it really about those things at all? Perhaps it merely comes down to power. There are some who have it and use it and believe that they are somehow special, that the rules don’t apply to them. What a load of crap. There is a word for those who have power and use it to hurt others. That word is “bully.”

Now I’m a pretty open-minded kind of guy. My motto is pretty much, “If it feels good, do it.” I don’t talk about sex much but in my opinion if all parties are acting out of informed consent and having a good time then I’m pretty much all for it. I believe you should get all the pleasure you can out of this short life. What really flips me out, though, is when there isn’t “consent” or there is an element of anything non-consensual.

If a spouse is lying to another then, by definition, there is no “consent.” In fact, if a spouse has outside sexual partners and their mate is not aware, and they continue to engage in sexual activity with that spouse, in my opinion that behavior should be a crime. Perhaps “attempted murder.” Okay, maybe that’s a little strong. Maybe I’d be willing to settle for “reckless endangerment.” The point is they are risking the health of the innocent spouse and for that they MUST be held accountable.

Favre and Woods are pieces of shit. In my opinion they have achieved their respective brass rings. And pooped on them. Was it their incredible will to succeed? God-given gifts? Who knows? I could care less. I say the hell with their ability to throw the skin of pig and/or hit a little ball with a stick.

If you want to stick your winky in every woman who thinks you are The Shit because of your money and fame, then fine. Go for it. Stay single and live the life you want. What you must not do, however, is pretend to be something else and lie to another human being while you secretly pursue the exact opposite. That just makes you scum.

And yet some people still pay money to watch these men practice their so-called “talents.” Not me. Count me out. I don’t care what these immoral cheaters do. I guess I’m just not that sporting.

Quoth the Tiger, “Nevermore!”

Thank you for standing by me, Nike!

We pause today for a reading from the Book of Tiger:

“God girl. You better want to take care of me… I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you… Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore… Hold you down while I choke you.”

The above is a portion of text messages that are allegedly attributed to Tiger Woods and released by Joslyn James, one of his mistresses. (As reported by The New York Post.)

I apologize for dirtying and cheapening your computer screen. That’s my job.

By the way, the subject line is a reference to a little known literary masterpiece by E.A. Ho:

“Horny, firm, and salacious Tiger, wandering from his Nightly whore,– Tell me what thy wifely name is on the marital shore! Quoth the Tiger “Nevermore!”

This has been a reading from the Book of Tiger. Now go take on the day!

Tiger is the Masters

Showing the patience of a saint, class, humility, dignity and style, Tiger Woods sat out a grand total of zero Masters tournaments before announcing his return. This is, of course, exactly as predicted by yours truly deep down here in the bowels of the abyss.

It was way back on Dec. 11th that Woods announced he’d take an “indefinite break” from golf to try to save his marriage. As if we needed additional evidence of exactly how much worth he places on that sacred institution.

For those who study calendars, the grand total of that “indefinite break” turned out to be about four months. Shit! Who can even remember that far back? That’s a whole whopping one-third of a year. Our memories can only go back so far, ya know?

No doubt Woods believes that the quicker he gets back into play the quicker the public’s collective memory will fade.

He probably has publicity strategists planning his every move.

Here’s a piece of free publicity advise for Mr. Woods: Keep Mr. Winky in his frickin’ cage!

Tiger, I’m available for consultations at my standard ten percent rate if you need more, and I think we all know you do.