How To Be Livid
I will feast on your soul.
Prattling on about this nonsense and that is all well and good, but the time has come to put lofty ideas into action. It’s time to be livid.
Pro Tip: You may want to keep some napkins handy just in case veins on your forehead pop.
Sometimes life will lope up on you from behind and give you ample reasons to be angry. Sometimes (although I can’t imagine why) you aren’t even in the mood to be angry yet life will foist itself upon you regardless. It will literally force you to be livid against your will.
True, those are sublime experiences, but they do tend to be rather random and when the chips are down, you really can’t count them.
So, what to do? Take matters into your own hands, of course! With my tried and true techniques, and a bit of practice, so you’ll soon be livid with the best of them, as often as you want and when you need it the most.
Sound too good to be true? It probably is. See? I can feel it working already!
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Do you need change?
It had been an enjoyable meal. At least until it all went sideways.
The waitress approached our table, looked me directly in the eye and said, “Do you need change?”
Wait. What? You don’t even know me! How dare you?
I had to admit, though. She was right. I did need change. A lot of it. I decided to start with a slice of New York cheesecake (is there any other kind?) drizzled with strawberry syrup.
Luckily 2014 was right around the corner and I’d soon have the opportunity to issue false platitudes and reassuring justifications to myself and pretend that I’d try to improve.
Since she was there, I decided to ask her for her assessment and she gave me the following list.
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Testing my resolve
For 2011 I'd like my right foot to weigh less than 40. Also, I want to paint my toenails red.
“They” say that 80% of us will fail on our New Year’s resolutions. I like those odds so count me in!
Of course, one of mine was to get a post about resolutions up by Jan. 1. Oops. Missed it!
Personally I think waiting for a date on a calendar to try to make a change is a bit silly. If you want to improve something, go ahead and do it now. Why wait?
On the other hand, the first day of the year is a very easy day to remember. It will help you with one of the principles of Kaizen – namely, if you measure something it will improve. “How long has it been since I bit someone’s throat? Oh yeah, New Year’s Day. Now I remember!”
Before I pontificate further let’s do a little exercise together, shall we?
Grab a sheet of paper and write down your list of this year’s resolutions. No fair peeking ahead to find out what comes next! In fact, I’m going to do the jump thingy to enforce compliance. Fill out your sheet then click to continue reading.
When customers give advice
When, what to my fucking ears should I hear,
Eight customer voice mails, all sounding so queer!
There is one thing that customers seemingly love above all else and that is making their opinions known. I theorize that this is because they think it is the one and only time in their lives when someone absolutely has to listen to them. They may be miserably ignored everywhere else they go, but when you are there and paid to be listening to them, and hoping against all hope to make a little profit from them, they expect, nay demand that you listen to their every word.
Dream on, sucka!
And, by the way, may I point out how miserable it must be to have to go to the store to find someone to talk to? Like the people in front of my in the checkout lane at the grocery store? Serious, get a life! Mwuahaha!
True, savvy companies know that some customer input can be an invaluable gift that might be useful on the path to improving the operation. Most of it, however, is simply inane blather and should be dumped in the local sanitary sewer system. 🙂
Speaking of which, the eight voice mails. A customer was so offended that we were closed on Saturday she left no less than eight voice mails on our voice mail system this morning. She did not give her name or a number where she could be reached. Clearly she just wanted to impart her genius and criticize us for being idiots.
I like imaging how angry she must have been. Eight voice mails. Wow. That is no small feat. In fact, I sort of marvel in the absolutely glory and sheer audacity of it.
Eight voice mails! All saying, “you should be open on Saturdays!”
I feel her anger coursing in my veins, filling my body with renewed vigor and a feeling of negativity about the future. Simply delicious! Sublime!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I hate to spoil the fun, but apparently one little thought escaped the gravitational powers of her brain: We had previously considered that. D’oh. In fact, we used to have an employee come in on Saturdays. It turned out that business was slow and did not even justify the paltry wage they pay in this shithole. If it was economically possible anywhere, it would have been here.
Epic fail, lady. Turns out that your anger is wonderful, but your brain comes up woefully short. Fail, fail, and fail.
Customers will often say things like, “You don’t sell the Acme Bootstrap Widget with Slime Mode? I can’t believe that! You’d make a fucking killing!” Uh, yeah. Once again we happen to be way ahead of you. It is a very rare day indeed when we didn’t already think about it. You think it is such a great idea? Go open your own damn store!
Customers have been trained for decades that they are “always right.” What a crock of shit. I’d like to turn this right on its head and offer advice to our customers, who our wise and wondrous leader refers to as “mother fuckers.” I hope they’ll take this little bit o’ advice:
Stay the hell away from me!!!
Shouts from the Abyss 
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