Don’t Fire Until You See The Frights Of Their Eyes
Is it “legal?” Yee haw!!! Let’s do it!
A canned hunt is a trophy hunt in which an animal is kept in a confined area, such as in a fenced-in area, increasing the likelihood of the hunter obtaining a kill. According to one dictionary, a canned hunt is a “hunt for animals that have been raised on game ranches until they are mature enough to be killed for trophy collections.”
If, like me, you ask, “What the fuck is a trophy hunt?” here’s a little help:
Trophy hunting is the selective hunting of wild game animals. Although parts of the slain animal may be kept as a hunting trophy or memorial (usually the skin, antlers and/or head), the carcass itself is sometimes used as food.
Yup. There’s stuff going on in the world that I can’t possibly imagine.
We watched a few episodes of a so-called reality show about people who turn over storage units for a living, like it’s a career or something. It’s like the modern version of treasure hunting. Except it’s not.
One time a friend told me how she had lost a bunch of her possessions. It was mostly junk like furniture and knickknacks that wouldn’t fit at her house but it also included irreplaceable family heirlooms and stuff like family photos.
She stopped paying for the thing and – poof – her stuff was gone. “Why didn’t you tell me,” I cried. “I’d have paid your account so at least you could get the important shit.”
It was too late. The shit was gone. As in forever gone. There had been an auction. They sure didn’t waste any time.
Oh well. Easy come and super easy go.
I decided right then and there that I had to get me one of those shiny storage unit things. But I also had to remain true to myself and my core values. I was going to do this the Tom B. Taker way.
Continue reading →
Abyss brings the greetings
I’ve decided to expand my operations. There are big changes afoot. No longer will I wallow in the pitiful mediocrity of my words. Blogging is passe and busted. No more blog posts from me. Today I boldly leap into the exciting, glamorous and fast-paced world of greeting cards!
Since the market is over-saturated and rife with competition, I’ll need a way to stand out from the crowd. I prefer to be left standing in my field. That’s just the way I roll.
So I will specialize in negativity cards. I haven’t mapped out all the sub-genres yet, but we’ll cover pregnant maids, wood chipper accidents, death threats and many passive-aggressive themes. Our aim is to bring a touch of gritty realism to a product that is normally syrupy-sweet and overly upbeat. And, as an added bonus, in addition to tired greetings, each of our cards is handcrafted in the Abyss and tells a gripping story. Enjoy the narrative!
Welcome to the Abyss Greeting Card store!
Card – Front
Card – Inside
Here we grow again!
Since I’m not exactly in love with my job, I’ve been looking at the Help Wanted ads. Today I wish to offer up for your consideration some key phrases you might find in help wanted listings. Since unemployment is high and may remain that way for decades these phrases might be around for a while.
Here we grow again – If you see an ad with this phrase try to consciously be aware of what it means. Which is, mainly, that the company is someplace you don’t want to work. Ever. If you feel like you’d rather be six feet under than a place where this phrase is used, then you know you’re on the right track.
Multi-line Phone System – If you think it might be fun to go back in time and spend some time on Normandy Beach during the Allied Invasion, this job is for you.
Energetic – No, not technically a phrase, but if this word is used anywhere in a job listing you can be pretty sure it is going to be hard to get in your afternoon nap.
Pay Commensurate with Experience – Translation: We’re going to ask you to paint yourself into a corner by answering a question like, “Expected salary?” We’ll then use that as a starting point for negotiations by dividing in half. P.S. We’re fucking assholes.
Benefit package including 401k, medical and dental – Ever heard of the $1 million deductible? Ha ha ha! We also provide a way for you to divert your own money (with no company match) into risky stock market plans where you can watch your money vaporize.
No phone calls – Yeah, we already sound like awesome people. Imagine how fun we’ll be to work for. We’re already giving you orders.
Change lives for the better – Seriously? WTF?!?
Positive Attitude – Are you able to smile while we screw you over? You might have a shot.
Random Drug Testing Required – I actually don’t mind this one. First, I can easily pass these tests. Second, I don’t mind getting paid for peeing. Last time they made me strip down completely naked – I kid you not. Still, it’s good work if you can get it.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds – You’ll be wearing what employers like to call “hats.” One of those will be moving anything they think looks heavy. So much for being paid for your brain.
Must have a valid driver’s license – When you see this phrase in association with non-driving jobs, then you know to expect that you’ll be treated like a combination of Gopher from the Love Boat and a Girl Friday.
Must be friendly – You know, just like the rest of us. We’re friendly. Yeah, right. Fake it at least as good as us and you’ll get the job.
Will train the right person – Pucker up!
Do you want to be a part of a dynamic and caring sales and marketing team? – You’ll be required to provide your own hip waders to navigate our bullshit.
Weekends and holidays required – You’ll be working all the shifts that none of the rest of us want.
Be Your Own Boss / Work From Home – We’re going to sell you a “job” for a super low price – you won’t make any actual money but you’ll be giving us some.
Yeah, I know this list is lame as hell. I’m doing this while punch drunk after a long day at work. (That’s called multi-tasking.) Can you think of any other examples???
Bad boss, bad boss
Bad boss bad boss
Watcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do
When I fling poo
Bad boss, bad boss
Watcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do
When camo hat surprises you
This post is “boss.” This is my Tuesday Twofer of a boss-themed post. Actually, this is my Wednesday post, but it’s still Tuesday while I’m writing this.
My boss returned recently from a trip and had a little present for me. It was a camouflage baseball cap. If I wore it with a camouflage t-shirt I imagine I’d look just like the gentleman in the inset photograph.
I think it’s the gift that keeps on giving. For example, it’s the perfect attire for going hunting. With that sucker on my head I’ll blend right in and it’ll really increase my chances for a head shot from someone toting a beer and a rifle. My boss probably didn’t even realize how tickled I’d be with this one. 🙂
Speaking of which, 44 states currently require hunters to wear bright orange in the field as a safety measure. A recent poll of hunters in Oregon, which is considering a similar policy, found that 70% of the members in the Oregon Hunters Association wanted the wearing of bright orange vests to remain a “personal choice.” Right on, my brothers.
In other boss news…
Let’s say one day your boss stops by your desk and chews your ass because you didn’t get a task done on the same day it came in, like a customer order. He uses the opportunity as a teaching point to reinforce that orders must go out the same day, no matter what. He does this to you and he does it to your co-worker.
Then, let’s just say, about a week later your boss wants you to drop everything you are doing for some allegedly urgent and inane task that must be completed right now.
Being a diligent employee, of course you respond, “No problem. I can get right on that as soon as I complete these orders that have to go out today.”
Wait… for… it… you already know what comes next…
That’s when the boss says, “Oh those can wait days if needed.”
Thanks for confirming what you told me earlier doesn’t even matter, but it sure was worth rippin’ me a new one, wasn’t it, you submoron!
I love the smell of team building in the morning!