Guest Post: Big Five Oh
I recently celebrated suffered through a so-called milestone birthday. There was, of course, the obligatory birthday card with all the standard jokes about walkers, eyesight, driving, Geritol and Viagra, as required by law in all states (except Florida). As I desperately scrabbled at the card searching for currency a poem fell to the floor. (See below.) I threw out my back bending over to pick it up.
On the plus side, my wife took me to a strip club. Whoa! She cleverly got me wasted on tequila shots and pints of beer before revealing the destination so I wouldn’t enjoy and/or remember the experience. Still, it was quite a surprise and she treated me to the first “lap dance” of my entire life (I don’t get out much) which consisted of three-minutes of quasi-hugging a naked woman in a semi-private room for $40. (Which, by the way, came out of my wallet.)
Although drunk, I still possessed my math wits. I pulled my iPad out of my pants and used it to calculate the hourly rate of “lap dance” at $800 per hour. That is so not worth it.
To add insult to injury the stripper adult entertainment professional was way more into my wife than she was with me. Downright handsy if you know what I mean. That hurt. There’s nothing quite like a birthday to reinforce your position on the food chain.
She says I can have my next lap dance in another 50 years.
Happy birthday to me!
Ode to My Husband
by Mrs. Abyss
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Measuring my worth
Yesterday I experienced a sobering thought. It rattled me hard.
My current hourly wage is the same as what I made in 1986.
Fuck. Seriously. Why the fuck did that thought have to cross my brain? As if I didn’t have enough to think about already. Like all great thoughts, it has really stuck with me. I find myself thinking about it all the time.
1986. Gee. That was 24 years ago.
I mentioned this thought to a co-worker. She was like, “Hey. That’s a year before I was even born.”
It is hard to describe this feeling. Hopefully you can use your imagination.
As a math lover, I decided to celebrate this revelation like I do with all great thoughts … with a graph!
This graph is based on information I obtained using a web site called “Measuring Worth – Relative value of US Dollars.” If you’ve ever heard someone say that “$X amount in X year would be worth $Y amount in today’s dollars” then you already know what this web site does. The site uses six different methods to attempt to answer the question. It shows my 1986 wage compared to what it would be worth today using those six different computational methods.
Yes, like I often do, I omitted the data labels on the left side of the graph. This is out of shame and embarrassment over my current salary range. But I can express it like this: Based on the data I obtained from the Measuring Worth web site, my 1986 hourly wage would worth about 2.4 times what I make today.
In other words I have less than half the buying power that I had in 1986. The word “career” hardly applies. Of course some of the positive thinkers out there (shudder) would be happy to point out that at least I have a job. Hopefully they won’t attempt to express such a sentiment directly to my face.
That graph was so much fun I decided to celebrate with one more.
Some remarks about this graph:
- 1983 = Cook at McDonald’s
- 1984 to 1999 = 16 year career at a major company where I worked my way up to management (yes, I used to be somebody)
- 2000 = Left major company to pursue a more enjoyable job as computer programmer (with cut in pay)
- 2001 = Moved to the small city to get out of the rat race (with major cut in pay)
- 2005 to present = Current employer
Well, I think that’s about it. I can’t think of much else to say, except I sure am in the mood to go to work now. Up ahead today may very well be the most special ass fucking of the year, but more about that later after I see how it all goes down. I have little doubt what happens at work today will live up to my wildest expectations and will no doubt completely justify my low rate of pay. Wish me luck!
Shouts from the Abyss 
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