Tag Archives: hollywood

Hyppo and Critter: This Just In

Hyppo and Critter

The Friday Edition of Why So Serious?

My blog has been remarkably serious of late, with my moral outrage oozing out like an open sore. That can only mean one thing:

It’s Friday and it’s time to get feckless and fancy free!

In times like these, I like to turn to poop.

The case of the pooping cat

The owner of Duke the Cat, an 11-year-old-longhair, was bought to a Seattle court. The allegation: Damages caused by poop.

Duke was described by the victim in the case as “the smartest cat that I’ve ever seen.”

Duke’s owner was fined $109.

Due to Duke’s relentless pooping, the victim claimed that workers remodeling his dilapidated home into a duplex were “sickened from the stink.”

“He was a fast pooper,” the victim alleged.

The victim testified that he never actually caught Duke in the act, but that he had seen Duke fleeing the scene “at least 25 times” over a two-year period, leaving behind evidence that he described as “a warm, steaming pile,” so he could only come to one conclusion.

Source: Miami Herald

Earthworm Poop Wrinkle Cream Touted as Hollywood Beauty Secret on The Doctors TV Show

What’s better than poop-related products you can actually eat? (Think coffee beans that have been on Mr. Toad Stool’s wild ride through an Asian Palm Civet.)

How about poop you can rub on your face? Yes, I think that could very well be the next best thing!

A product called “Wrinkle Butter” made from the poop of earthworms is touted in a press release is being promoted as a way to “reverse the aging process” of skin. The product is featured in a segment (heh!) on The Doctor’s television show.

The press release prefers the euphemism “castings” rather than the more pedestrian term of “poop.” Earthworm castings, it claims, have no “poop smell” and contain many of the anti-aging compounds found in expensive “serums and creams.”

“At least a dozen A-list celebrities” are said to be using the product, although the press release refuses to name names. The product is said to be a “big seller with the Hollywood crowd.”

I can’t begin to guess which folks from Hollyweird are smearing poop on their faces, but I can guess why they call it “Wrinkle” butter. We all know where poop comes from, right?

Robot runs on organic fuel and poops out the waste

If we know one thing about humans, it’s that we want our electronics to eat food and generate poop. No word yet if we also have the technology for it to burp and fart, too.

Meet Ecobot-III, the robot that eats food (organic matter) and poops out his own waste. If that isn’t the ultimate in modern convenience I don’t know what is!

Ecobot isn’t quite as discerning about what constitutes “food” as us humans. The little fellow can eat food and water from its environment, and can even, if you let it, consume human feces as a tasty entree.

I almost have no words, but I can summon the force of will to say this much: These robot designers are ingenious.

Source: Slashgear.com

Panda Tea says, “Coffee can’t have all the fun!”

When it comes to coffee, a straight line is not always the best route between two points. As I mentioned above, some folks think letting an animal eat coffee beans and poop them out is a grand way to make a cup.

Now tea comes along as said, “Wait one! I deserve some poop, too!”

A calligraphy instructor has formulated a plan to grow tea that has been fertilized with panda poop. I think this is brilliant. It comes the two most crucial ingredients of success in any tea-growing operation: A thorough knowledge of calligraphy and the fact that pandas are cute. Really cute. So cute, in fact, that their poop suddenly takes an otherwise mundane operation and kicks it up to a whole new level.

The wise entrepreneur recently bought 11 tons of the panda poop from a panda breeding center. His first batch of tea fertilized with the poop is estimated to be worth priced at $77,000 (USD) per kilo (2.2 pounds).

You heard it here first. Poop pays!! Watch your back, coffee.

Source: Technabob.com

High Colonical Economics #SOPA

Stop SOPA.This is based on a true story. That means that, most likely, people named George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin really did exist. Beyond that, however, there may be some historical inaccuracies. I spent countless seconds imagining – I mean researching – but some errors have may have crept in. Besides, as I write this, Wikipedia is protesting SOPA, so I’m making up the stuff I don’t know. Even though we are now controlling transmission we are not responsible for the content. Enjoy!

It was a fine beautiful day in the Colonies as Thomas Jefferson strode purposefully to his neighbor’s house, a fine upstanding gentleman by the name of George Washington.

Stopping at the gate, Thomas chuckled as he often did at the signs George had posted. “Trespassers will be musketed” and “We don’t lamp for the Constable.” He let himself in the gate and found his friend near the porch, apparently taking a break from afternoon chores.
Continue reading →

Hollywood’s summertime blues

Hollywood Sign

Everyone say it with me now: Awwwwwwwww!

Poor, poor Hollywood.

Hollywood is feeling sad because the summer of 2011 had the lowest movie attendance since 1997. That’s so sad. So all you peeps in the industry only made thousands of times my yearly salary? Wow. I feel for you. Truly!

Because I am a benevolent guru, I’m willing to take a few previous moments out of my day to offer a little advice that just might help you out of your doldrums. Even though I know never in a million years will you listen or follow this advice. You’d rather die first, right?

The solution is simple. Make the movie going experience more fun than licking all the urinals in town.

The problem is simple. Your product is defective. Seriously. Who the fuck wants to go to a theater and sit with a bunch of rude and disgusting assholes?

Hey, I’m serious. Not once in my life has a movie theater ever given half a shit about my “experience.” Not once!

Not once have I ever seen a movie theater eject people for talking. For answering cell phone calls during the movie. (Even during United 93.) Or for any reason.

Never have I seen anyone ejected. Ever. The fact of the matter is this: Movie theaters have no system for proactively protecting the experience. Actually, I find that a bit mind boggling because that experience is their product.

In the world of business there is sometimes a principle which holds true: Don’t give a shit about your product and your bottom line just may be affected.

Fix that and maybe more people will decide to try your product again. Until then, fuck it. We’re willing to wait and watch at home.

Fix your product and they will come. I’m mostly talking to the theater chains here, but I’m also talking directly to Hollywood. They’re nitpicky about all sorts of other things, I think they should give a shit about their end users, too. They should team up with the chains to improve things. It is only to their own benefit. The reality is simple: If people find it too unpleasant to go to the movies they’ll eventually decide not to go, especially when faced with ever-growing exorbitant ticket prices.

Make going to movies fun again, dammit. Or shut yer bitching about declining attendance.

Smog is car poop

Pollution!

Look away. Cartoon cars don't do this.

Cars 2 is billed as a movie where cartoon car characters save the world. I found myself wondering, “How will they do that, exactly?”

Scratch that. Actually I don’t give a shit. Whatever. I have to admit, it sounds like exactly the wrong message at exactly the wrong time.

Is your planet being killed by pollution? No worries, mate! All you need is more of the #1 thing that caused it – cars! And we got ’em incoming, full throttle. Here they come to save the day! *cough* *cough*

Bah! There’s gotta be some irony there. “I’ll save you by killing you!” If that’s the aim of the movie, then I for one say, “Job well done!”

Ever curious, I decided to do a little research into the characters in this movie. Here are my findings.

Lightning McQueen – A “generic” NASCAR with design influenced from the Chevrolet Corvette and Dodge Viper. According to NASCAR their race cars can get about 4.2 miles per gallon. (Source.)

Mater – A tow truck inspired by a 1951 International Harvester but Mater looks more like a 1955-1957 Chevrolet or GMC. I can’t find fuel economy data but I’m guessing it was about 5 to 10 mpg.

Finn McMissile – Inspired by James Bond’s 1964 Aston Martin DB5. This one had a whopping 14.6 mpg.

Holley Shiftwell – Unknown vehicle type but she looks a lot like another race car to me. We’ll just go ahead and call this one 4.2 mpg, too.

Rod “Torque” Redline – a tough-as-nails Detroit muscle car. That’s a bit too ambiguous to nail down fuel economy but I’m guessing that isn’t was “muscle cars” are known for.

And now, at last, the plot of Cars 2 can be leaked. Remember, you heard it here first! Start your engines!

It is a dark time for the rebellion. The Empire, powered by a new Death Star (semi-submersible Mobile Offshore Drilling Unit) named “BP” is consuming the planetary fuel reserves at an alarming rate. Fuel that is desperately needed by our heroes for life and death stuff like winning the first-ever race to determine who is the world’s fastest car.

Darn it, wouldn’t you know that to win that race their gonna need fuel – and lots of it!

The gang speeds off to enlist the help of Emmit “Doc” Brown who has replaced Doc Hudson who has dimmed his high beams for the last time and is now parked in that great wrecking yard in the sky.

Doc Brown introduces Dicky DeLorean, a cocky stainless steel farm boy who’s the fastest ship in the fleet, and possesses doors that, when opened, allow him to fly and kill womprats just like he did at Beggar’s Canyon back home.

It’s a race against time to get the fuel they need to save the planet from, well, from cars. Just like them. Will they be able to stop the hydrocarbons, carbon monoxide, nitrogen oxides, particulate matter, sulfur oxide, and volatile organic compounds that belch from their very own exhaust pipes before they run out of fuel and save the planet and make the atmosphere safe to breath again?

Fasten your seat belts! It’s the carbon-based thrill ride of the year!

Memorandum to J.J. Abrams

Source: Wikipedia

J.J. Abrams is supposed to have the Midas touch. Like many who have had some success in Hollywood, he’s gone on to stick his fingers in a lot of pies. One of those pies was the heavily promoted television series Undercovers. He is the creator of the series and an executive producer. The series was about a husband and wife, both former employees of the CIA, who run a catering business and are then recruited back to the CIA to work as a team on jobs the regular CIA “can’t handle.”

When word got out that he was shopping Undercovers it prompted a minor bidding war.

Only 11 of the original 13 episodes of Undercovers ever aired and the show was canceled on November 4, 2010, when NBC decided not to order any additional episodes.

Who is Abrams? Perhaps most notably he is known for directing the  “reboot” of the Star Trek movie franchise. He’s also well known for the television series Lost.

He was a big part of Lost. He was an executive producer and wrote and directed the two-part pilot. He wrote the teleplay for the season three premier episode. He also remained involved until the end of Lost by participating in meetings about the “direction and mythology” of the show.

Mythology? Gimmie a break.

The Midas touch of Abrams is supposedly that he knows how to bring “entertainment.” He fixed the old and busted Star Trek movie franchise when he “sexed it up” by borrowing lessons he learned from Star Wars. Namely a faster pace and more action. This made the movie more relevant to a culture of young people raised on television, social media and cell phones. You know, an entire generation with ADHD. He also liked to jiggle the movie cameras during the filming of Star Trek. (This gives the movie a little bit of that Jason Bourne feel.) According to the production crew Abrams was the only one who could jiggle the movie cameras in exactly the right way, although there was apparently at least one other person he sometimes trusted with the responsibility. Lastly, Abrams friggin’ loves lens flares.

To recap: Abrams skills include speeding things up, jiggling cameras and filming lens flares.

Consider that for a moment. As far as “entertainment” is concerned, might there be anything missing from that list of skills?

Might it have anything to do with the word “plot?”

Memo to Abrams. Subject: Plot

That’s right. Plot. Plot matters. If you are an entertainer in the world of fiction, plot is, at least partially, your bread and butter. The people who watch are your customers and plot is a major component of your product.

Therefore you better not fuck around with the story too much. It needs to make sense. You simply can’t have too many gaping holes.

How well did the series Lost function as storytelling? Were there any plot lines that simply made no sense, even within the context of Lost mythology? Were there any questions that were never answered?

The very best illustration of Abrams abilities as a storyteller in regards to Lost can be found here: Unanswered Lost Questions.

Simply put: I feel Abrams is a little too blasé and indifferent to plot.

In the movie Star Trek the Spock character abandons Kirk on an dangerous icy planet simply because of a verbal disagreement. Illogical! This is too much of a plot contrivance in that it is something Spock would never do in that situation. It makes absolutely no friggin’ sense. Yet it is a convenient and expedient way to move the story forward, especially when one wants to maintain a fast pace. They needed future-Spock and young-Kirk to meet to set up some other situations in the story later on. They came up with an extremely stupid way to do it.

In the world of Abrams anything is possible. There is no limit. Your heroes are in danger? Have one of them pull a magic rock out of their pocket. A magic rock which has never been seen in your story before. Make that magic rock create a force field that causes bullets to bounce off, then transport the heroes to safety, leaving the bad guys behind with wiped memories to avoid unnecessary confusion to the plot later on. The heroes are safe, the rock goes back in the pocket. Now, here’s the good part. Aside from a couple of comments (maybe) from those who were with the hero, the rock is never explained and never seen again. Even in situations where the rock could easily save their bacon again and again and again. Details like this don’t matter, only that the “entertainment” moves on.

A little bit of shit like this can be accepted by the audience if the rest of the story makes enough sense in the context of the world they are being asked to believe. Too much of this and whole thing breaks down. The audience realizes that the “entertainment” has no real meaning, so there is nothing left for them to feel emotionally invested. The audience will simply stop caring about the story being told.

When I’m in the story, I forget about myself and that I’m sitting in a chair in a movie theater and sucking down Skittles and washing them down with soda. That’s when storytelling is at its best. If a cell phone rings by the asshole a few seats away I’m brought crashing back to reality. I’m suddenly aware again that I’m sitting in a theater and I become aware of my chair.

Too many bullshit plot developments cause the exact same phenomenon.

I remember the moment when Spock shot Kirk down to the ice planet. I was back in my chair looking around the room to see how everyone else was absorbing the bullshit. I was not in the story.

There has to be integrity to the story and the craft of storytelling. Otherwise it’s all just good looking people in exotic environments fooling around with lots of bells and whistles. No one will really give a shit. Plot is what gives the entertainment its meaning. It’s like trying to get excited about the Super Bowl when you already know who won.

I watched the first few seasons of Lost with interest. Especially season one. But with each passing episode I found myself giving less and less of a shit. As the weird plot contrivances kept adding up, and things made less and less sense, I found myself feeling like I could care less. A lot less. Eventually I didn’t care at all and I stopped watching the show. Too this day I don’t know the final resolution with the various characters, who went back to the island, who was saved, who was lost, why things worked, the time warps, etc. I simply don’t care.

Hell, I cared way more about the characters on the TV series Friends than I did about anyone from Lost.

The television series Lost, under the direction of the storyteller Abrams, was a turning point for me. It was the first moment in my life when I stopped and really thought about the “entertainments” I had been consuming. Yes, I knew they were actors playing fictional roles. But part of me wanted to be entertained like that. I wanted to get to know these fictional characters and care about what happened to them. But in the end, thanks to Abrams, that feeling was destroyed. To me, that’s the only thing that has been Lost.

Will Sam Malone and Diane Chambers ever get back together? Will Miles Crane and Daphne Moon get it on, and if so, will she be required to clean up the mess? Will Ensign Tom Paris successfully kiss the half-Klingon B’Elanna Torres, and if so, will she bite off his lip?

Real storytellers who make you care about the outcomes of such things have successfully created something known as “tension.” When you magically whip too many rabbits out of a hat and never explain them, the audience believes you when you are effectively telling them, “there is no tension here.”

That’s what Abrams has done to me. And that’s why I no longer have much interest in fictional entertainments. Oh sure, I’ll still watch the next Star Trek movie, but when I find myself feeling less than thrilled, I’ll know exactly the reason why.

No doubt Abrams will continue to enjoy success in the future. Our ADHD culture will lap out what he dishes out while never realizing the difference. I find that a bit sad.