Kraft Foods wants to buy Cadbury. The headline writers are having a field day talking about the “sweet” deal and how Kraft kept “sweetening” their offer. Hardy har har. A true headline editor with grit would have talked more about how Cadbury was about to embark on an express voyage up the “hershey highway.”

Who is Cadbury? A British confectionery and beverage company. According to Wikipedia it is the world’s second-largest confectionery company after Mars/Wrigley. Some of their most popular products are, no doubt, Cadbury’s Mini Eggs and Cadbury Easter Eggs. Cadbury Global is also the maker of Stride chewing gum, Halls cough drops, Bubblicious, Certs, Chiclets, Trident and well over 100 other brands of products.

The most amazing thing about Kraft Foods that you may or may not already know – it is owned by a tobacco company! To me, nothing says tasty food goodness more than knowing my food has come from a tobacco company.

• Kraft was acquired by tobacco corporation Philip Morris in 1988 for $12.9 billion.
• In 2000, Philip Morris bought Nabisco, the maker of Oreo cookies, for $19.2 billion, and merged it with Kraft.
• In 2007, Kraft bought the cookie business of Danone — which includes well-known French brand LU — for $7.2 billion.
• Kraft’s other major brands include Oscar Mayer hot dogs, Maxwell House instant coffee, Philadelphia cream cheese and chocolate brands Milka and Toblerone, acquired when it bought Jacobs Suchard in 1990.
• Kraft is the world’s second-largest food group after Nestle.

Philip Morris makes products like the following brands of cigarettes: Marlboro, Virginia Slims, Merit, Parliament, Benson & Hedges, L&M, Chesterfield, Lark, Cambridge and Basic.

Philis Morris recently tried to rebrand themselves as Altria, but that was just a ploy to throw us off the scent. We still know who they really are.

Philip Morris owns lots of other brands, too, like breakfast cereals: Alpha-Bits, Banana Nut Crunch, Blueberry Morning, Cranberry Almond Crunch, Cream of Wheat, Cream of Rice, Fruit & Fibre, Golden Crisp, Grape-Nuts, Great Grains, Honey Bunches of Oats, Honeycomb, Oreo O’s, Pebbles, Raisin Bran, Shredded Wheat, Toasties and Waffle Crisp.

Philip Morris even makes other stuff like Altoids, Milk Bone, Di Giorno, Cracker Barrel, A-1 Sauce, Bull’s Eye BBQ Sauce and Kool-Aid.

Thirsty? Don’t forget the beer! Miller Lite, Miller Genuine Draft, Miller Genuine Draft Light, Miller High Life, Miller High Life Light, Milwaukee’s Best, Milwaukee’s Best Light, Icehouse, Foster’s, Red Dog, Southpaw Light, Leinenkugel’s, Henry Weinhard’s, Henry’s Hard Lemonade, Hamm’s, Mickey’s, Olde English 800, Magnum, Presidente and Sharp’s non-alcohol brew.

Getting the idea yet? These are two whopping big companies! Blended together they will represent a collective capable of assimilating the entire planet.

On Jan. 19, 2009, Kraft made a cash-and-stock offer to Cadbury worth $19 billion. It is anticipated that the deal will be accepted by Cadbury’s board ending a month’s long hostile takeover battle between the two companies.

All I can say is: I don’t want anything near my mouth or in my body that came from Philip Morris. Cadbury, once assimilated by the Kraft Borg, will sadly be included on that list.

One thing seems clear: Philip Morris wants it so that no matter what you eat, when you poop, Kraft Krap comes out. My goal in life is to be the “fiber” to that nefarious plan!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go smoke a box of Velveta. There’s no single cheese like Velveta. It’s colby, swiss and cheddar, blended all togeddar!