Tag Archives: help

Dear Guru: Say Yes


Today I take time out to pass along an important and wonderful piece of wisdom that has brought immediate and innumerable benefits to my interpersonal relationships. It works with your lovers and, just maybe, even your spouse.

In a nutshell, the secret is this: Find a way to say, “Yes.”

That’s it. Therein lies the key to unlocking exciting new worlds of mystery and imagination. Seldom in life do we encounter such transformative power in six simple words. Find a way to say yes. That’s all you have to do.

I’ve adapted this technique in my daily life and I happily bear witness to the awe and sense of wonder it brings.

Please allow me a few moments to demonstrate how it works.

“Do I look fat?”


“Did you take out the trash?”


“Do you want the last cookie?”


“Have you ever cheated on me?”


“Do you have a headache?”


“Were you killed in that car accident?”


I don’t often fall for quick fix gimmicks but in this case I have to admit, it really works. If you give it a try, please use the comment section below to let me know how it goes.


Help Wanted: Guru Assistant #craigslist

Craigslist scum

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

Craigslist – Gigs / Help Wanted: Personal Assistant

Here we grow again!

There’s an opening for a personal assistant on Team Guru.

The candidate must be experienced with “assisting” and being “personal.” The candidate will be enthusiastic, energetic, shameless and pathetic. Females 18+ only.

The successful candidate will be able to hold multiple positions on my staff while demonstrating a firm grasp of outstanding issues and anything that comes up.

A Ph.D. is preferred but candidates with Master’s degrees will be considered if they are proficient with magna cum laude.

Duties include (but are not limited to):

  • Manage inventory of Viagra for just-in-time delivery at “distribution center” at my desk
  • Make homemade Chicken McNuggets using only white meat
  • Coordinate Guru’s busy schedule and travel itinerary
  • Clean toilets
  • Whorehousing
  • Handwash underwear
  • Make coffee
  • Take dictation
  • Pre-chew all gum
  • Serve as ergonomic ottoman
  • Edit blog posts
  • Take messages
  • Give massages
  • Offer opinion on all tweets
  • Spam “like” social media as directed
  • Participate in friendly pillow fights
  • Screen calls especially those from my wife
  • Conduct blind taste tests
  • Change tapes on hidden camera monitoring system
  • Karaoke all lyrics to Radiohead’s Creep often

Requirements: Must be able to lift 50 pounds. Applicants subject to random pee testing. Must be height/weight proportional. Must be able to work long hours closely supervised all alone in a 10’x10′ home office. Must be comfortable with the human body and nudity. Being ticklish is a plus.

This is a non-salaried internship position. The hours will be as flexible as your body.

If you are a woman and interested, please feel free to send your head shot and stats (resumés are optional) to me immediately. Candidates must work well with others and may be subjected to a Survivor-style round robin elimination tournament.

If all other requirements are met an interest in actual negativity will be waived.

Ad copy provided by Barely Legal Headhunters, Inc.

Remember me, the guy who applied for a job?

illogicalWe got a regurgitation situation
All across the Abyssian nation

The hot new trend on this blog is to scritch up a piece of yesteryear and drag it back into the light of day. Today’s bit of regurgitated kibble comes courtesy of the Abyss “way back” archives. In fact, this was the seventh post I ever wrote. It comes back to the empty nest all the way from September 2009, also known as Abyss Launch Month.

Back then I documented my efforts (in vain) to get away from crappy e-commerce job #2. I was out schlepping around and subjecting myself to the ultimate in extreme humiliation: Going into a place of business and asking for an application form like Oliver groveling for a little extra gruel. And then filling out their endless invasive and offensive forms until your hand shrivels up into a hook hand. A hook hand!!!
Continue reading →

Well that wasn’t much help at all

Ever get a response to a request for help that proves the person on the other end didn’t take the time or effort to actually read what you wrote? That can be frustrating.

This time it happened at WordPress Support. I’m a big fan of WordPress and quite pleased to be on their platform, but I cannot tell a lie. Their response to my request for help sucked.

The other day ALL of the images on my blog just up and disappeared. It freaked me out a bit since I have no backups (dumb) and some of them are irreplaceable one of a kind originals. (Ha!) I had recently uploaded and deleted one image in the Media area, so I thought that might have something to do with it. Frantic, I sent a support request and received the following reply:

Subject: [WordPress #nnnnnn]: Media – All images missing‏
From: Xxxxx – WordPress.com (support@wordpress.com)
Sent: Wed 1/0X/10 3:07 PM
To: shoutabyss at live dot com

> I did: Uploaded an image to media. I then deleted that image.
> I saw: All my images disappear.
> I expected: Please tell me you backup my images. I don’t have other
> copies.
> Thanks.

What’s the image in question? If you delete an image from your Media Library you can’t get it back.



By the way, that “I did, I saw, I expected” crap is theirs, not mine. Apparently they had to revert to a template like that based on the average bear who contacts them. I love being treated based on the lowest common denominator.

So, was I not clear enough? “All images missing” in the subject line seems pretty freakin’ simple. Then in the body I grammatically point out: “All my images disappear.”

The response was so quickly received that I was stunned. I think it was something like only 30 minutes or so. That is unheard of. But what they had to say indicates they only read part of what I had written and they offered no actual comment, insight, or solution regarding my actual problem. They also completely ignored the second part of my request which was a question about backups.


Luckily my images started working a short time later and I moved on and didn’t pursue the crappy response any further. Apparently it was just some sort of temporary WordPress glitch. Here’s hoping I never have to contact them again.