A Tom B. Taker Christmas
There it was. In the mailbox. A legitimate Christmas miracle. It was as if a veil had been lifted from my eyes. Instead of darkness I beheld a world of twinkly light.
It was beautiful! I felt alive. I loved everything I could see. I sprinted out into the street and hugged the garbage man. He was beautiful. He looked really surprised. Maybe I should have worn pants but there was no time for that.
In my hands I held a Christmas card. It was even addressed to me. To me! Someone had sent me a Christmas card. A bona fide recipient of the Ribbon of Participation. I was finally somebody.
“God bless us, every one!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. I’d never felt a stronger sense of belonging.
Yes, it was time for a let down.
Bury My Travelin’ Bone
The traveller is always leaving town
He never has the time to turn around
And if the road he’s taken isn’t leading anywhere
He seems to be completely unaware
The traveller is always leaving home
The only kind of life he’s ever known
When every moment seems to be
A race against the time
There’s always one more mountain left to climb
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Choke Hold – The Game Show
We’re back from vacation and apologize for being behind on responding to comments and stuff. We’re going to have to play a little catch up. In the meantime, we can kill a minute or two playing a new game show I invented.
Boss Or Artichoke? The Game Show – You Make The Call!
The game couldn’t be easier. We’ll provide a clue and all you have to do is answer “boss” or “artichoke.” It’s just that simple.
If you lose you’ll get a delicious treat as a parting gift. If you win, you’ll get a delicious beat down for 40 hours a week for the rest of your life.
Worth playing for?
Round One
Clue: Be careful – This can prick you!
Boss or Artichoke?
See? Wasn’t that easy? This isn’t so bad. Now we move on the bonus round where things can really happen.
Round Two
Clue: Large globes, inedible beard, thorny stem.
Boss or Artichoke?
The difficulty has increased but so has the fun. Are you ready for the final round of sudden death? Let’s go!
Round Three
Clue: You want to cut out the heart, dip it in a little mayonnaise and eat it raw.
Boss or Artichoke?
Remember, it’s not whether you win or lose – it’s how you play the game. If you didn’t get artichoke this time, don’t worry. There’s always tomorrow.
Better luck next time!
Holiday, thy be upon us!
Have a heart, will ya?
Spooky! I kid you not. As I sat down to write this post the song “Holiday” by Green Day began to play on my Pandora. Is that good timing or what?!? I guess I’ll take that as a sign. Things portend well for this post.
So yeah, for most of us, Valentine’s Day is the official end of the holiday gauntlet season and that is certainly something worth celebrating!
Yeah!
The holiday gauntlet is almost a full fifty percent of the year where every 42 minutes or so another holiday is right around the corner. A holiday that, if you screw up, your ass will be a sling with your loved one and put you in a hole where it will take at least three more holidays to dig yourself out.
August 27th – The official start of the holiday gauntlet. For me, that’s my wedding anniversary date.
October 31st – Halloween. A day where you’d much prefer to lock the door and pretend not to be home, but this only makes your mate angry. They seem to think its fun to spend money on garbage and give it away to punks for free.
Fourth Thursday in November – Thanksgiving. A day where you will work your ass off and otherwise won’t do much of anything you want. If you’re lucky you might get to watch a little football.
December 24th – Christmas Eve. The peak of the holiday gauntlet. Nuff said.
December 25th – Christmas. More peakage. Nuff said.
December 31st – New Year’s Eve. Not usually a biggie as far as carnage goes but you may be pressured to stay up past your bedtime.
February 14th – Valentine’s Day. And, cruelly, only about seven short weeks from Christmas. Hang on, almost done! Also, I’d really like my heart attack to fall on this day some year in the future.
March 5th – Wife’s birthday.
For me, that’s a gauntlet of 171 days. Almost half a year! (You’ll have to adjust your own bonus holidays to calculate your version of your own gauntlet.)
That’s a holiday every 21 days or every three weeks. It’s intense. It’s draining. And, unless you are very, very careful, you may not survive it.
Holidays are nefarious. They are there to tempt your loved ones into believing you don’t love them unless you perform some ritual, rite, and/or procure gifts, perfumes, flowers, edible treats, cardboard with messages contained within, and jewelry. He went to Jared!!! and Every kiss begins with Kay!!!
Blech. I’d rather ingest pharmaceuticals.
P.S. Honey, if you are reading this, don’t forget. I LOVE YOU!!! ❤
Have a heart – help me finish this song
Yes, I just got out of the shower. Apparently that is where I do all of my best work. (Usage of the word “best” in this sentence is completely arbitrary.) I’m calling this a Valentine’s Carol. Who’s still up for some caroling?
Christmas lights still up on my street
At the grocery store is a brand new treat
Better believe – it’s only six weeks away
I’m already late for Valentine’s Day!
Now I love my baby with all my heart
But it won’t matter if my wallet don’t part
Unless in the doghouse I want to stay
I better bring my game on Valentine’s Day!
Ho, ho, ho!
Shouts from the Abyss 
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