Tag Archives: hat

¡ Yo Fear-O Taco Bell !


I just had a filler enema!

I am not a foodie. (If you have to paint me in a box go with trekkie.) I know I’ve written about food a lot lately. It’s just this naive bleef that we have a right to know what we eat. And that increasingly the people who make food are seemingly at cross-purposes to that deceptively simple objective. (And sometimes cross-porpoises but that’s another story.)

Take Taco Bell, for example. (Figuratively, not literally, I hope.) A while back there was a hubbub that Taco Bell’s “seasoned beef” was rumored to be 35% beef and 65% other stuff. (Taco Bell eschews the word “filler.”)

Well, Taco Bell wants you to know the truth. They are proud to announced that their “seasoned beef” product is a whopping 88% beef and only 12% other stuff.

Forget about the daily grind, it’s time for an afternoon party! 88% is pretty damn good! Hot mess good. If only we could achieve that standard for everything in life.
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BlogFestivus: Tortuga

This story is the fifth and final installment themed “Tiny Tim” in a five-part series of 200-word stories for BlogFestivus, A Christmas Carol. Check out the links (at the bottom of this post) to all the participating “ghost” writers for this year’s challenge. We’re spanking the candy cane now. -BD

happy-fill-in-the-blank blogfestivusTortuga
by Tom B. Taker

At the end of the room loomed a high-backed chair facing a large round window. The smell of mistletoe hung in the air. An end table was nearby upon which sat a glass of eggnog and a bouquet of red and white tulips.

Ominous symphonic music began to fill the air as the chair imperceptibly swiveled. It took a long time, but the occupant, finally, was revealed. He lounged, his wee feet extending just beyond the seat, his arms extended and resting on the arms of the chair. Atop a tiny head a festive pork pie hat had been donned.

chamber“Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen,” he cackled.

“You!” shouted Scrooge.

“Yes, me. My production facility is state of the art. Candy canes are running at full capacity. Fruitcakes are ramping up and will soon be the perfect method for delivering your product. You’re out, Scrooge. Out!”

“Wait,” Scrooge stammered. “Dammit, Tim, wait!”

“Give me one good reason why.”

“I’m your father.”


Scrooge, sensing a momentary advantage, tiptoed carefully. “My company has developed the black armor. I can still be of value to you.”

Tim smiled.

“Then, together, we shall rule the galaxy as father and son!”

Click on the links below for more takes on A Christmas Carol from our other BlogFestivus bloggers:

Linda penning at linda vernon humor
Steve from Stevil
Maria-Christina blogging at MCWhispers
Dylan of Treatment of Visions
Sarah from Parent Your Business
Dawn blogging at Lingering Visions
K8edid from k8edid
Dave bringing it at 1pointperspective
Eileen from Not The Sword But The Pen
Lindsey at RewindRevise
Kandy of Kandy Talk
Sandra writing at In Love With Words
Natalie from So I Went Undercover
Jen at Blog It or Lose It
Amelie from In the Barberry
Cee Cee blogging at Cee Cee’s Blog
Ashley from LittleWonder2
BD writing Blogdramedy

Abyss Christmas Buying Guide 2011 – Part One

The Tin Foil Hat Kit

Amazingly this versatile item is found in most neighborhood grocery and hardware stores. It’s true!

It’s the Tin Foil Hat Kit. It’s perfect for those freaky DIY freaks on your Xmas list.
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My total beauty makeover at myLifetime.com

As of tonight I have an account on myLifetime.com. Look me up! My username is shoutabyss.

Here is my first creation. I call it “Feelin’ Catty.”

In other news, I’m chewin’ my nails down to nothing waiting for the return of glam lawyer Jane Bingham. How much longer do I have to wait?!?

Bad boss, bad boss

Appropriate attire for the urbane jungle

Bad boss bad boss
Watcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do
When I fling poo
Bad boss, bad boss
Watcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do
When camo hat surprises you

This post is “boss.” This is my Tuesday Twofer of a boss-themed post. Actually, this is my Wednesday post, but it’s still Tuesday while I’m writing this.

My boss returned recently from a trip and had a little present for me. It was a camouflage baseball cap. If I wore it with a camouflage t-shirt I imagine I’d look just like the gentleman in the inset photograph.

I think it’s the gift that keeps on giving. For example, it’s the perfect attire for going hunting. With that sucker on my head I’ll blend right in and it’ll really increase my chances for a head shot from someone toting a beer and a rifle. My boss probably didn’t even realize how tickled I’d be with this one. 🙂

Speaking of which, 44 states currently require hunters to wear bright orange in the field as a safety measure. A recent poll of hunters in Oregon, which is considering a similar policy, found that 70% of the members in the Oregon Hunters Association wanted the wearing of bright orange vests to remain a “personal choice.” Right on, my brothers.

Being told what to do by a pinhead idiot always puts a smile on my face

In other boss news…

Let’s say one day your boss stops by your desk and chews your ass because you didn’t get a task done on the same day it came in, like a customer order. He uses the opportunity as a teaching point to reinforce that orders must go out the same day, no matter what. He does this to you and he does it to your co-worker.

Then, let’s just say, about a week later your boss wants you to drop everything you are doing for some allegedly urgent and inane task that must be completed right now.

Being a diligent employee, of course you respond, “No problem. I can get right on that as soon as I complete these orders that have to go out today.”

Wait… for… it… you already know what comes next…

That’s when the boss says, “Oh those can wait days if needed.”


Thanks for confirming what you told me earlier doesn’t even matter, but it sure was worth rippin’ me a new one, wasn’t it, you submoron!

I love the smell of team building in the morning!