Happy Holidays from the Abyss
Rare first edition misprint containing the word “Christmas.” Mint in package. Because who would open that shit?
I recently updated by bio to include “singer” and “songwriter.” My dishonesty is your pain. This is where you pay for tuning in.
Behold, the newest member of the Abyss family. A humble little ditty called “My Christmas Song.” Be advised: You should not listen to this.
Fun fact: I was channeling Burl Ives when I laid down the vocal tracks.
Now please enjoy this, my gift to you. It’s the gift of time in the form of one minute of your life you’ll never get back.
Happy holidays!
That’s no bar! It’s a playground!
We are required by the Department Of Redundancy Department to post this public notice: We reserve the right to redundantly repeat topic coverage as we see fit. It is no accident if this content feels familiar. Also, we repeat coverage of certain topics on purpose. It’s our way. –Ed.
Since the dawn of time philosophers have debated, “What is a bar? What is a restaurant?” Sometimes there are no easy answers. There can be a very fine line between “bar” and “restaurant.”
So what?! Who gives a shit?! What’s in a name?!
Mainly the presence of shitloads of filthy little varmints. That makes this issue one of no small consequence.
As always I will cover all points of view as if to give the reader an understanding of the issue. I will be fair. I will be impartial. I will be partially inebriated.
Also, as always, illumination will be provided by Wikipedia:
bar:
A bar is a retail business establishment that serves alcoholic drinks — beer, wine, liquor, and cocktails — for consumption on the premises.restaurant:
A restaurant is a business which prepares and serves food and drink to customers in return for money …
There we were in a mystery business of some sort. Was it a “bar” or a “restaurant?” Let’s find out. It’s Litmus Test Time boys and girls!
Come On Be Happy
Drink this shit, you idiot!
Remember when I told you about the inventive advertising process of mascotization? That’s where you take your product and turn it into a “character” to appear in your ad campaigns. This is done by adding cartoonish facial features, the magic of animation and cutsey voice overs. I originally introduced this idea in a post entitled “Human spam at home and on the road” back in May of 2010.
If your product is a wrench, you draw a face on it and animate. Voila! Instant mascot. And so creative, too. This is important because it’s an opportunity to show your customers your inventive genius from which, they can infer, you’re a great business person with a great product.
In the four years since, this process has continued. And how.
Continue reading →
Blogger’s Message: The Cheer In Review
Artist’s rendition of my smile.
Mr. Editor, Mr. Blogger’s Apprentice (unpaid), members of the WordPress community, fellow Abyssians, dear reader:
I am happy. I am elated. I am full of good cheer.
Yes, it has been a banner year for negativity. The future is so bright I have to wear shades. Just make sure the lenses are made out of lead to stop the radiation.
To my apprentice, let me say this: Make no mistake, I need another trenta caramel frappuccino with whipped cream. Go get me one.
In short, there’s good news on every possible horizon. Hyppo and Critter have made up and are getting along famously. The Guru on the top of the mountain is only giving out good advice. Our son has outgrown his gerbil phase and is treating us decently. Hell, I’ve even forgiven my #boss and we kissed and made up. There is no pain. I am not crying.
Today Is Your Dearthday!
When I hear Christian music I often ask myself a question.
Jesus Christ across the galaxy
Bringing toys and goodies for you and me
Are you singing for His glory? Or your own? You have to dig deep for the true answer.
That might be an awkward opening, but here’s the point of this post:
Today is a new day. It’s my friend’s birthday. So I decided to go on Facebook and send him some cheese-ball greetings. “Congratulations for being alive on a day that signifies the number of rotations of this planetoid around its star being a whole number. Jolly good, chum!”
I expected to see Facebook jam the birthday in my face. But it didn’t. There was no mention of my friend on the birthday dailies. Hmm. What to make of this?
Using logic and deduction, I theorized that my friend didn’t share his birthday with Facebook. Wise move. Extrapolating further, I reasoned that my friend probably didn’t wish his birthday to be generally known. That seemed to me to be a reasonable hypothesis that fit all the known facts.
What to do? What to do?
I had a choice. Post publicly on his wall, thus announcing the occasion to all of his friends, or respect what I assumed were his wishes and keep it private?
Since it was his special day, and not my own, I decided to recognize that he’s an individual who exists in the universe and has feelings. I decided to show respect for that.
I sent my greetings in private.
Feeling warm and fuzzy about being a considerate friend, I went back to my homepage to see what other flotsam Facebook had washed up on my beach. I do this daily to remind me about the true nature of humanity and such.
Bazinga!
There it was, on the very top of the news feed. Someone else just wished my friend a happy birthday. In public. For all to see. Bastard! Quickly his Facebook was overrun with the bloody things. They say it’s the thought that counts. So how do you take a good thing and convert it into the equivalent of peeing in your so-called friend’s Wheaties?
There it sits.
Happy birthday to you? Or me? Who exactly are we celebrating here?
“Psst! Hey, everybody! Look at me! Look at how wonderful I am remembering my friend’s birthday and shit. Aren’t I good? Don’t you love me? You love me, don’t you? Why hasn’t everyone liked this? Click like or you’ll be unfriended! Somebody call the whambulance!”
Again, to this birthday interloper, I ask: Whose glory is motivating your behavior, you narcissistic creepazoid?
Crowbar Ranch: Ag-Gag Update
Some of the most successful posts on this humble blog pertained to Crowbar Ranch. That’s the term I came up with in 2010 for Conklin Dairy Farms where an employee was videotaped abusing animals.
It’s time for a very, very disturbing and frightening update. For those of us who were left wondering how industry might respond, now we have our answer.
Industry groups and forces with deep pockets and with purchased politicians in tow have joined forces to push for laws that will criminalize the act of secretly videotaping animal abuse.
Yes, you read that right. Industry could have responded by saying, “We are outraged. These cases are outlier events. We are eager police ourselves and prove that industry can be responsible. This sort of activity will never be tolerated.”
They could have done that. They didn’t. Instead they unleashed their lobbyists and let the money flow to politicians who now support draconian industry-sponsored legislation.
Stop animal abuse or attempt to stop those who attempt to uncover it? That’s a tough choice for some. The farm industry is basically saying, “We want the right and the protection for animal abuse to continue. And we will do whatever it takes to protect this status quo. Even labeling those who seek to expose the truth as criminals and terrorists.”
Is it too much to ask that an industry that profits from animals should be expected to treat the animals responsibly? Industry steps up and emphatically responds, “Yes!!! That is too much to ask.”
Sad.
It’s not just about the animals, either. Some experts have speculated about the deleterious effects to the food supply and the risk it poses to the health of human beings. As usual we are more than willing to cut off our noses to spite our faces if, while in the process, we can make a few bucks.
Transparency is the best weapon against this sort of thing. Most forms of evil thrive best in the seclusion of privacy.
So called “Ag-Gag” laws criminalize attempts to discover animal abuse by means of secret videotape, failure to disclose ties to animal rights groups during the hiring process, and require all video to be turned over to police within 24-48 hours, etc. (The latter eliminates the power of viral videos.) A bill in Arkansas seeks to prevent “harm” to a “livestock or poultry operation.” Animal abuse is acceptable but don’t try to harm a sacred cow like an “operation.” (Rhymes with “corporation.”)
Last year, Missouri, Utah and Iowa passed ag-gag laws. There are now five states with ag-gag laws on the books.
In a bit of good news, three states (New Mexico, New Hampshire and Wyoming) killed proposed ag-gag legislation this year.
Even so, more states are currently considering getting on board in the ag-gag game: Arkansas, California (the land of “happy” cows), Indiana, Nebraska, Pennsylvania, Tennessee and Vermont (the home of Ben & Jerry’s).
Without the power of video people will still have the right to report what they see. And we all know how that story turns out. They’ll be fired, harassed, maligned and marginalized and caught in a He Said, She Said situation where nothing of any value will ever happen. Industry thinks of that outcome as the freedom to operate with total impunity.
Behold the power of the agricultural lobbies. They can take fast, swift and decisive action when they are in the mood. Unfortunately they have opted to use this power for ill. It’s enough to make me sick to my stomach.
Important reading:
Front Lines of Christmas
It’s that time of year again. Tis the season to lace up your boots, grab your weapon of choice and go hunt down people who don’t share the same opinions as you.
Ho, ho, ho, motherfucker!
I feel more jolly already.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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