Pine Near Whoa Man: Cleansing Quiche
Ever heard the expression, “I’ll wash your mouth out with soap?” I have. A lot.
Today we’ll literally do that and enjoy a delicious quiche – all at the same time!
I learned how to make my first quiche during three years of French in high school. That’s also where I got my first taste of escargot or what most of us call “snails.” Loosely translated, escargot in English means “chewy disgusting life forms drowned in butter.”
Recently I came across a bottle of Lemongrass & Basil Antibacterial Hand Soap. Damn, that stuff smells good. Now I get hungry every time I wash my hands.
So I decided to combine the best of both worlds. I now present my humble creation, Cleansing Quiche. Viola!
Cleaning Quiche ala Shouts
3 tablespoons olive oil, plus more for drizzling
1 cup Wheat Thins Snack Crackers – Sundried Tomato & Basil
1/2 cup sliced onions
1 teaspoon chopped, fresh marjoram
Salt
Freshly ground black pepper
6 eggs
3/4 cup Lemongrass & Basil Antibacterial Hand Soap
3 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
2. Roll Wheat Thins with a rolling pin until finely crushed. This may be done in small batches.
3. Drizzle olive oil in a skillet and cook onions and marjoram over medium heat for two minutes until onions are translucent.
4. Combine salt, pepper and eggs in a bowl and stir until combined.
5. Gently fold hand soap into egg mixture. Do not over stir or bubbling may occur.
6. Add the egg mixture to the sautéed onions and stir to incorporate the onions. Cook the frittata on the stovetop until the eggs start to set, then transfer the skillet to the oven. Bake for 12 to 15 minutes, or until firm.
7. Enjoy!
Variations: Increase hand soap to two cups and use uncooked mixture as a delicious cleansing colonic. Pour into a pre-warmed collins glass. Serves 1 to 2.
Go ahead and indulge with a spew of profanity before enjoying your first bite of this inspired quiche. Might as well slip a freebie in before deliciously washing your mouth out with every soapy bite.
This invention was inspired by this tweet:
Is it okay to drink Lemongrass & Basil antibacterial hand soap? It smells delicious!
@shoutabyss
Bon appetit!
Employees must pretend to wash hands
Today’s post is brought to you by my splitting headache. I checked out of the game yesterday and today and became low-functioning myself. I may have popped my cork with some self-induced anger and frustration. Perhaps we’ll delve into that some other time…
I think I’ve blogged about the proximity of the mother fucking toilet to my office once or twice, eh? You think you’ve got problems? Try putting your office and desk a mere eight feet away from where people poop. Try it, god dammit!
What normally goes with pooping? For most of us that might be a little thing called hand washing. Our company even provides a sign that says, “EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS.” What our company does not provide, however, is fucking hand soap!
A little prerequisite reading for this post (or not, whatever, who fucking cares):
Pooping where you work
I pooped at work and … EIEEEE!
Feeling pooped out
How does a rat get in your toilet?
Employees must wash hands
Long story short, the hand soap in our office ran out about three weeks ago. The owner has been hanging around our office these three weeks and using the bathroom just like the rest of us.
Amongst his other traits, the owner happens to be a friggin’ germaphobe. He must have learned how to become one while getting his Masters in psychology. He’s always disinfecting his hands, wiping down doorknobs, sterilizing mouses and keyboards, and fun stuff like that.
So it was truly awe-inspiring and amazing to watch him, day after day, use that restroom and not use fucking hand soap on his mother fucking hands.
I can hear the water run. I can hear towels being pulled. I can hear the garbage can lid slam shut as he throws his towels away. “Who the fuck does he think he’s fooling?” I ask myself again and again.
Me? I’m too smart for that. I’ve been down this road before. I keep my own personal backup stash of hand soap and hand sterilizer in the cabinet in my office. Oh yes. I’m the one and only employee in the outfit who actually washes poop off with soap. Call me the next level of evolution if you will. I’ll take it.
More boss fun coming soon, I promise. I have a lot to say about that douche nozzle of late. With the onset of summer he tends to show more of his plumage. I can hardly wait.
How does a rat get in your toilet?
To blog on Christmas or not to blog? That is the question. My answer? Blog, of course! Ho ho ho! And I’m not even using the WordPress.com scheduling tool. This post is LIVE, baby!
For my first Christmas blog I wish to offer the following thought: How does a rat get in your toilet?
Seriously, inquiring minds want to know!
How in the world did I arrive on a topic like a rat in a toilet, especially on Christmas? It went a little something like this:
At my place of employment (usually referred to simply as the “shithole”) there is a sign in the bathroom that reads: EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS.
My boss has studied psychology and is always using it on the unsuspecting minds of our customers. (My good buddy Counter Culture Clown just did a post on a similar theme.) The hand washing sign is yet another subtle Jedi mind trick. And, as we all know, Jedi mind tricks work best on the weak-minded.
Our business has nothing to do with food. We are not a restaurant. I’ve never seen a bathroom except in restaurant that had a sign that said, “employees must wash hands.” So what do we glean from this? It’s a subtle message in psychology from my boss to our customers. He wants them to make certain assumptions about him and his business based on that sign.
Unfortunately, like everything else he does, the sign is a lie. When the liquid hand soap runs low, something strange begins to happen. It gets thinner and thinner and thinner. Rather than refilling the dispenser with more soap because hand washing is oh-so-important he simply cuts it down and down with more and more water. It only takes a few days until you are washing your hands with nothing but lightly soap-scented water. What a joke.
So I was going to blog about that and went in search of an image that said, “employees must wash hands.” While conducting that search I came across the “how does a rat get in your toilet” image and a Christmas post was born!
Click the image above for a festive page filled with holiday goodness from Seattle & King County regarding how rats can get in your toilet.
Merry Christmas everyone!
Shouts from the Abyss 
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