Mi Casa Su Causality
Selected pairing for this post: Enjoy!
Hey, thanks for having me over. I hope you don’t mind, but you did say, “Make yourself at home.”
- Performed maximum quaffage on every partial bottle of whiskey.
- Deleted all West Wing from your DVR and recorded a full season of Honey Boo Boo.
- Adjusted the hot water heater to maximum.
- Rubbed every towel on my butt rather than use toilet paper.
- Let your cat outside.
- Used your wi-fi to download the entire Metallica library with BitTorrents.
- Dug your coffee can of cash out of the backyard.
- Unlocked the windows and the side door on the garage.
- Licked your ketchup bottle clean.
- Went “two turntables and a microphone” on your collection of LPs.
- Pushed over your hoarding piles in the garage and took a nap.
- Spent your remaining iTunes balance on Demi Lovato.
- Cleaned my genitals with your toothbrush.
- Used your mom’s ashes to refill the litter box.
Don’t be angry. All of these are considered normal back home.
Surprise! You are a guest blog!
Today I shot my wife an email and asked, simply, “How did it go?”
I try to be coy in emails that pass through “company-owned email servers.” Fuck ’em! Never include more information than necessary. Ever. I also refer to people by a single letter. It’s up to my wife to grok the meaning.
And that she did just fine.
Somehow she knew that I was asking about her trip to the DMV. I loved her reply so much I decided to make it a guest post. I plan to offer a reading of this at poet’s corner down at the beatnik place one night soon. Enjoy!
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See the Light
It’s rare, but sometimes the Abyss has visitors.
We’ve lived in this house for over three years now. Three bedrooms feels like the lap of luxury after our single-wide. Before we moved in, we scouted the house. I brought a tape measure and scoped out the smaller bedrooms. One was slightly larger than the other. I called dibs for my home office. (I was still working at home at the time. Something the Universe snatched away the day after we moved in.) The smaller room went to one of our gerbils that was still home nesting.
Eventually that gerbil moved out and entered his “no permanent residence – mooching” phase. (Where he remains to this day. It’s not a specific place. It’s a state of mind.)
The room he left behind was devastation. Firefighters showed up with sniffing dogs to look for survivors. The Governor declared a state of emergency. The President himself even circled the scene several times in his helicopter while on the way to the links, and although he didn’t land and actually step out, that still held a lot of symbolic meaning for us.
The walls were covered in gerbil spray. As my wife cleaned, she found dishes we hadn’t seen in years, in various states of decay. At last our collection of flatware was almost fully restored. (Many pieces, unfortunately, were lost forever when tossed in the garbage by our disinterested gerbildentia.)
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Guest Post – Short Story: Run #BlogShorts
I ran wild through the woods. Heart pounding.
A blood curdling scream. I realize, I am the one screaming. I look down.
The dagger had plunged deep in my gut.
This is a guest post by Mrs. Abyss in the spirit of the BlogShorts challenge. June 2011 – 30 stories – 30 words – 30 days.
Call for submissions
Greetings, Earthlings. Full disclosure here, I don’t necessarily come in peace.
I think it’s high time we get some new blood on this blog. Also, we need a guest post or two. 🙂
You got something negative to say? Well then, come on! You do all the work and I take all the glory. What could be better than that?
Perhaps something on this blog struck a chord. Or perhaps you wish to take exception to something that has happened on here and rip me to shreds with a rebuttal? Or perhaps you want to talk about something completely different.
Whatever. Bring it on!
If you are certifiable and you wish to submit, click the “shout” link on the menu bar above to send me your shit. Think about it, will ya?
And now, to terminate this cheap ass excuse for a lame blog post, please enjoy the following little duty. For double reward points, try to think about me while you listen and replace every instance of the word “night” with “life.” Let me know if you try this little experiment and be sure to comment below and share how it makes you feel.