Hey kids. It has been some time since I last wrote about the quintessential American existential gripe, right? So today’s post offers two short bits of recent news about little victories I enjoyed, and yes, one of them is about driving.
Celebrate the little victories in life because if you wait for the big ones, it may be a long, long wait.
–Tom B. Taker
Offered herein are a pair of true stories where yours truly came out on top, no matter how thinly sliced the margin may have been. And both stories feature some small element of chance and odd elements of coincidence, enough so that my mind couldn’t help but notice.
So strap yourself in for this strange and peculiar journey to the winner’s lane. Don’t worry, I promise I handle it like everything else in life, in a very calm and mature manner.
Our first story finds me driving down the street as innocent as Bambi playing in the pure driven snow…
Continue reading →
Reblog: Gobble Gobble greased-lightning style
This post has got everything a festive holiday post could ever need.
A protagonist: The turkey. “Gobble Gobble.”
A story: They’re out to kill him.
And it’s a musical. With a song from the movie “Grease.”
Today’s reblog is courtesy of Sid @SidMILB from the My Mother In Law is Still Sitting Between Us… blog. Check out her blog for what could be, quite possibly, the best Thanksgiving song lyrics ever written. It is called Gobble Gobble.
Speaking of the movie Grease… (This is where I put my special twist on the reblog.)
I was out of town with my church group to spend the weekend at a Shakespearean festival. I was 13 or 14 years old. My parents had given me some spending money that was supposed to last for the whole trip.
We brought our sleeping bags and camped in the town’s Episcopal church. In that church was a simple record player. The kind with a swinging arm and a needle and a built-in crappy speaker.
While out exploring town one day with a friend, I came across it totally by chance. The 2-disc Original Motion Picture Soundtrack for the movie Grease. The price was exactly the amount of money I had in my pocket.
You know what happened next. I bought that sucker, took it back to the church, and listened to it all weekend long. I didn’t know it at the time but I was already well-advanced on the path to supergeek.
Thanks for the trip down memory lane, Sid!
Oils well that ends up in the gutter
New blog feature: “News you might have missed – oh holy mother of God!” What should I call it? NYMHMOHMOG? Yeah, that sounds good.
A greasy crime syndicate has been busted in China. Authorities were able to slip in and arrest 32 members of a well-oiled criminal machine. These greedy lard-ass criminals were caught literally living off the fat of the land.
Know what I mean?
As a wise fish in Star Wars once said, “It’s a trap!” Now we now that he meant the wholesome residual stuff that sticks around after good down home cookin’. It was the infamous Grease Trap located near the outer rim and the rebel base on one of the moons of Yavin.
Police seized something like 100 tons of “illegally recycled food oil” in China spanning 14 provinces. Where did it come from? Oil gutters in restaurants, of course.
According to police, six different oil processing workshops were closed including one operated by Jinan Green Bio Oil Co., a company that claimed to convert used cooking oil into fuels. What it actually did was filter the oil, recycle it, then sell it wholesale as “new” back to restaurants. (Not quite extra-virgin but I wonder if it would still qualify as Freshly Pressed?)
That sounds a lot like the slippery version of the circle of life. Anyone besides me hungry yet?
A news report in the Washington Post said that the recycled oil can contain carcinogens and traces of aflatoxin. Aflatoxin? Shit! I better check my medicine cabinet to make sure my doctor hasn’t prescribed me any. Side effects include death and oily anus syndrome. (I’m not sure which is worse.)
Actually, aflatoxin is described as a potentially deadly mold. It goes much better with some dishes than water chestnuts or cilantro.
This isn’t exactly the first food scandal to hit China. Other greatest hits include golden moldies like fish treated with “cancer-causing antimicrobials,” eggs laced with industrial dye, and fake liquor that can cause blindness or death.
And, in 2008, there was the tragedy where milk and infant formula laced with melamine killed six children and made 300,000 people sick.
In America, just this week, a man named Dr. Oz has been making waves by claiming that apple juice (a favorite of youngsters) contains unacceptably high levels of arsenic. No word yet on the old lace.
Industry, the FDA, and some other doctors have been quick to defend the wholesome product.
I have a question: What the fuck is arsenic doing in there in the first place? What levels are acceptable?
Of arsenic, Wikipedia says this:
Arsenic and its compounds, especially the trioxide, are used in the production of pesticides (treated wood products), herbicides, and insecticides. These applications are declining, however, as many of these compounds are being phased out. Arsenic poisoning from naturally occurring arsenic compounds in drinking water remains a problem in many parts of the world.
And, to bring this back around full circle, guess who is the largest producer of arsenic in the world? Yep. China.
Freedom fries again
Freedom fries have been attacked. Freedom fries will be defended.
Remember the good old days when politician hyperbole was limited to things like “freedom fries?” Well, maybe not. Maybe that golden era never existed. But that’s a far cry from things like a “Satan sandwich” and “Satan fries.” No, I’m not making that up. Google it. It’s there.
But this isn’t a post about that. This is a post about foods.
Last Monday the Cow Orker was hungry. She said she was going to the Mexican fast food drive thru restaurant up the street. She asked if I wanted anything.
“I’ll take some french fries, please.”
Everyone thought I was nuts. French fries at a Mexican restaurant? “We’ll see,” I said with a wizened look in my eye.
She came back with a huge container of piping hot fries. They had made them fresh just for me. They were delicious, gorgeous, plump, beautiful and served up in a large styrofoam container. And the whole order was only $1.80. I think a large order at McDonalds costs almost twice as much.
The Cow Orker was insanely jealous. “I’ll just sit here and eat my chips. The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip!” Mwuhahaha!
Today she decided to go back and get her own. She was positively beside herself with the wanting of the chips. She came back in the office talking about “disappointment.” For a moment, that made me jealous. What the hell is my personal companion doing flirting with someone else?
We gathered around the sad little bag she had returned with. She reached in and pulled out this tiny, greasy mess that looked more like a potato massacre than anything resembling what we had seen on Monday.
Limp. Lifeless. Greasy. Mushy. Lackluster. Wanting. Decidedly not served in a big stryofoam container but a little cup. Sad. Pathetic. Impotent. Spent. Waste. Different. Barely warm.
“What happened?” we asked.
She explained that she had ordered the exact same thing as before. It was $1.80, just like before. But the server had no idea what she was talking about when she explained that these fries were completely different. “No, no,” she was assured. “That’s how they always are.”
Except for that apparently make-believe land of 48 hours ago.
And that’s how I earned the title, Lord of the Fries.