Oh there’s a Tiger gettin’ tail it’s plain to see!
It costs a lot when he’s playin’ through the green
Well he just can’t wait like a shopper at a sale
Looks like The Tiger is gettin’ lots of tail
Look. I’ll be honest with you. I know exactly how Lindsey Vonn feels. I’ve also been medevaced via a snowmobile off a snow-covered mountain after a heart wrenching ski crash. I’m assuming that’s what it feels like to know Tiger Woods.
Today we pay tribute to our long-time bloggy friend, the sport of golf, and, of course, the concept of winning.
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Golf ha ha ha
Before we begin, I have to ask: How do you think my headline writing skills are coming along? 🙂
I have no issues with golf, other than it’s boring and it’s a sport. (More on the latter coming soon.)
So today we have a news report regarding two douchebags (golfer Corey Pavin and reporter Jim Gray) arguing about a third douchebag (whoring phenom Tiger Woods). And, get this, their fight is about a fucking game. Not just any game but one where you hit a little ball with a stick and try to get that ball into a little hole.
Pay attention! We’re talking about important shit here, people!
Seriously I don’t know if any of them are douchebags. I don’t know these men personally. I’m taking a little artistic license here based solely on behavior. They all just might be wonderful human beings. (Somehow I doubt it.)
So which one is the liar? Without being there it’s hard to say. It’s one of those douche-said douche-said type of situations.
That’s pretty much all I have to say about this topic. Read the link to the story if you still crave additional details. As always I’m simply performing my function of providing a breath of fresh aire and giving important news items of the day much needed context.
Quoth the Tiger, “Nevermore!”
We pause today for a reading from the Book of Tiger:
“God girl. You better want to take care of me… I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you… Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore… Hold you down while I choke you.”
The above is a portion of text messages that are allegedly attributed to Tiger Woods and released by Joslyn James, one of his mistresses. (As reported by The New York Post.)
I apologize for dirtying and cheapening your computer screen. That’s my job.
By the way, the subject line is a reference to a little known literary masterpiece by E.A. Ho:
“Horny, firm, and salacious Tiger, wandering from his Nightly whore,– Tell me what thy wifely name is on the marital shore! Quoth the Tiger “Nevermore!”
This has been a reading from the Book of Tiger. Now go take on the day!
Tiger is the Masters
Showing the patience of a saint, class, humility, dignity and style, Tiger Woods sat out a grand total of zero Masters tournaments before announcing his return. This is, of course, exactly as predicted by yours truly deep down here in the bowels of the abyss.
It was way back on Dec. 11th that Woods announced he’d take an “indefinite break” from golf to try to save his marriage. As if we needed additional evidence of exactly how much worth he places on that sacred institution.
For those who study calendars, the grand total of that “indefinite break” turned out to be about four months. Shit! Who can even remember that far back? That’s a whole whopping one-third of a year. Our memories can only go back so far, ya know?
No doubt Woods believes that the quicker he gets back into play the quicker the public’s collective memory will fade.
He probably has publicity strategists planning his every move.
Here’s a piece of free publicity advise for Mr. Woods: Keep Mr. Winky in his frickin’ cage!
Tiger, I’m available for consultations at my standard ten percent rate if you need more, and I think we all know you do.