Tag Archives: golf

Tiger Tails

Tiger beat

I think it’s safe to say my photoshop skills peaked way back in the day.

Oh there’s a Tiger gettin’ tail it’s plain to see!
It costs a lot when he’s playin’ through the green
Well he just can’t wait like a shopper at a sale
Looks like The Tiger is gettin’ lots of tail

Look. I’ll be honest with you. I know exactly how Lindsey Vonn feels. I’ve also been medevaced via a snowmobile off a snow-covered mountain after a heart wrenching ski crash. I’m assuming that’s what it feels like to know Tiger Woods.

Today we pay tribute to our long-time bloggy friend, the sport of golf, and, of course, the concept of winning.
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The morality of losing your morals

I find my thoughts returning to it again and again.

Infidelity.

This time it’s courtesy of Brett Favre. A man married to a breast cancer survivor. An NFL quarterback. A role model to kids.

Brett Favre. A man who transmitted pictures of his junk to at least one woman who turned down his unwanted advances.

Now another woman has come forward to say that she felt “harassed” by the superstar athlete, too.

I’m going to go way out on a limb here and guess that Mr. Happy Penis may not have been exactly faithful to his wife.

Reflecting on Favre’s situation today it struck me how deeply this sort of thing bothers me. I spent a good part of the last year skewering Tiger Woods for the exact same thing.

It leaves me asking one big question: What ever happened to morals? Did Brett Favre and Tiger Woods ever have any? Or has their public persona been just another role on the stage to hide all the rolls in the hay?

I’ve heard it said that if you toss a frog into boiling water he’ll jump right out. But if you put that same frog in cold water and gradually turn on the heat, it will never occur to him to leave, and he’ll stay in until he dies.

I wonder which is the case with folks like Favre and Woods? Was it is a long series of temptations and personal compromises until they found themselves in too deep? Or is that giving them way too much credit? Were they ever that decent to begin with?

Why make the ultimate promise to another person if you have no intention of keeping it? This isn’t an episode of a wacky TV sitcom. This is real life. These are real people. If you ain’t got the guts to keep your word you shouldn’t be satisfying your immediate selfish wants. Be better than that.

What is it about money and fame that makes some men toss their morality out the window like a hot potato? Or is it really about those things at all? Perhaps it merely comes down to power. There are some who have it and use it and believe that they are somehow special, that the rules don’t apply to them. What a load of crap. There is a word for those who have power and use it to hurt others. That word is “bully.”

Now I’m a pretty open-minded kind of guy. My motto is pretty much, “If it feels good, do it.” I don’t talk about sex much but in my opinion if all parties are acting out of informed consent and having a good time then I’m pretty much all for it. I believe you should get all the pleasure you can out of this short life. What really flips me out, though, is when there isn’t “consent” or there is an element of anything non-consensual.

If a spouse is lying to another then, by definition, there is no “consent.” In fact, if a spouse has outside sexual partners and their mate is not aware, and they continue to engage in sexual activity with that spouse, in my opinion that behavior should be a crime. Perhaps “attempted murder.” Okay, maybe that’s a little strong. Maybe I’d be willing to settle for “reckless endangerment.” The point is they are risking the health of the innocent spouse and for that they MUST be held accountable.

Favre and Woods are pieces of shit. In my opinion they have achieved their respective brass rings. And pooped on them. Was it their incredible will to succeed? God-given gifts? Who knows? I could care less. I say the hell with their ability to throw the skin of pig and/or hit a little ball with a stick.

If you want to stick your winky in every woman who thinks you are The Shit because of your money and fame, then fine. Go for it. Stay single and live the life you want. What you must not do, however, is pretend to be something else and lie to another human being while you secretly pursue the exact opposite. That just makes you scum.

And yet some people still pay money to watch these men practice their so-called “talents.” Not me. Count me out. I don’t care what these immoral cheaters do. I guess I’m just not that sporting.

Golf ha ha ha

Woot! I just sucked!

Before we begin, I have to ask: How do you think my headline writing skills are coming along? 🙂

I have no issues with golf, other than it’s boring and it’s a sport. (More on the latter coming soon.)

So today we have a news report regarding two douchebags (golfer Corey Pavin and reporter Jim Gray) arguing about a third douchebag (whoring phenom Tiger Woods). And, get this, their fight is about a fucking game. Not just any game but one where you hit a little ball with a stick and try to get that ball into a little hole.

Pay attention! We’re talking about important shit here, people!

Seriously I don’t know if any of them are douchebags. I don’t know these men personally. I’m taking a little artistic license here based solely on behavior. They all just might be wonderful human beings. (Somehow I doubt it.)

So which one is the liar? Without being there it’s hard to say. It’s one of those douche-said douche-said type of situations.

That’s pretty much all I have to say about this topic. Read the link to the story if you still crave additional details. As always I’m simply performing my function of providing a breath of fresh aire and giving important news items of the day much needed context.

Quoth the Tiger, “Nevermore!”

Thank you for standing by me, Nike!

We pause today for a reading from the Book of Tiger:

“God girl. You better want to take care of me… I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you… Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore… Hold you down while I choke you.”

The above is a portion of text messages that are allegedly attributed to Tiger Woods and released by Joslyn James, one of his mistresses. (As reported by The New York Post.)

I apologize for dirtying and cheapening your computer screen. That’s my job.

By the way, the subject line is a reference to a little known literary masterpiece by E.A. Ho:

“Horny, firm, and salacious Tiger, wandering from his Nightly whore,– Tell me what thy wifely name is on the marital shore! Quoth the Tiger “Nevermore!”

This has been a reading from the Book of Tiger. Now go take on the day!

Tiger is the Masters

Showing the patience of a saint, class, humility, dignity and style, Tiger Woods sat out a grand total of zero Masters tournaments before announcing his return. This is, of course, exactly as predicted by yours truly deep down here in the bowels of the abyss.

It was way back on Dec. 11th that Woods announced he’d take an “indefinite break” from golf to try to save his marriage. As if we needed additional evidence of exactly how much worth he places on that sacred institution.

For those who study calendars, the grand total of that “indefinite break” turned out to be about four months. Shit! Who can even remember that far back? That’s a whole whopping one-third of a year. Our memories can only go back so far, ya know?

No doubt Woods believes that the quicker he gets back into play the quicker the public’s collective memory will fade.

He probably has publicity strategists planning his every move.

Here’s a piece of free publicity advise for Mr. Woods: Keep Mr. Winky in his frickin’ cage!

Tiger, I’m available for consultations at my standard ten percent rate if you need more, and I think we all know you do.