Shouts From The Abyss wins Hall of Fame
Shouts From The Abyss blog selected to the Shouts From The Abyss Hall of Fame
By Tom B. Taker
November 6, 2013
Abyssia City, The Abyss – After nauseating audiences continually since September, 2009, the Shouts From The Abyss (SFTA) blog is the 2013 selection to the Shouts From The Abyss Hall of Fame. This is the first nomination for the blog. This is the inaugural year for the Hall of Fame itself.
The selection committee, consisting solely of blogger Tom B. Taker, cast the deciding ballot for SFTA. The vote was unanimous.
Blog publisher, Tom B. Taker, was visibility shaken upon hearing the news. “You love me,” he said to himself. “You really love me.”
In a short ceremony in an undisclosed office/bedroom, Taker appeared in his underwear to accept the award. He was accompanied by two cats, El Guapo Picard Tutankhamun Taker and Tilly Taker.
Initially Taker refused the award, stating repeatedly, “I didn’t do it” and referred to his policy that prohibits acceptance of anything imported from Nigeria. He eventually capitulated, though, and proudly accepted the traditional Golden Poop of the Abyss. He then angrily yelled “get out” bringing the festivities to a close. No legitimate media attended the event.
A spokesperson for the Hall of Fame selection committee later announced that the program is being disbanded. Taker will be given 14 days to surrender the award.
Tom B. Taker, Media Relations
C/O Shouts From The Abyss Hall of Fame
1212 Sewertown Rd. Ste. SQRT(-1)
Office: Food Cart
From Russia With Bloodhound Gang
Under my crusty shell, what is there? A creamy gooey center. Obviously.
It’s only 8am and twice already I’ve used the word “gooey” to refer to myself. Is social media great or what?
Besides the goo, you might also see the creepy place where I have some strange likes and dislikes. One of those is the Bloodhound Gang. No, do not google them. Do not look them up. They are offensive as hell. NSFW.
And yet I still enjoy their music. They make me laugh. Yes, I’m shaming myself right now.
Puerile. Juvenile. Disgusting. Vile. Sexualized. The guys do things like spend a lot of time trying to come up with rhymes for the word “vagina.” (Spoiler alert: North Carolina.)
Have you ever been clubbed over the head by a piece of music? There I was, hanging with my son in his room, and he was playing his “music” like tin foil on metal guitar strings while some talentless hack screams indecipherably. That’s not “music” in my book. Oh how he loves that shit.
But then, I became aware of something else. A song reached out and grabbed hold. The lyrics were beautiful in their simplicity. “I hope you die.” Wow. This was different. Such elegant simplicity. This was good stuff. I was hooked.
And thus began my journey of exploration of the Bloodhound Gang.
The guys recently made a “splash” on their Russian tour. Break out the Stolichnaya and play the Russian flag drinking game with me, won’t you?
Continue reading →
Q. What’s more fun than a barrel of monkeys and the Hewlett-Packard board of directors combined?
A. I don’t know, but former Yahoo! CEO Scott Thompson gives it the old college try (heh!) and comes very close.
In case you don’t know how to use search engines and/or you’ve been living under a rock, here’s the story in a nutshell. The details may shock you. This exposé will pull back the curtain and expose the disturbing realities of human behavior. Like lifting that rock up and out of the soil, the potato bugs and grubs are about to scatter.
There once was a man who wanted a job. And on that man there was a resumé. And on that resumé there was a lie. And on that lie there was a flea. (Oops. I went one too far.)
Yes, this is the age-old story of the American dream, because, yes, that man got the job. He was a bootstrapper who set his sights on the prime time. He pulled the trigger and got er’ done. Do or do not. There is no try. Bring home the bacon and fry it in a pan.
Continue reading →
The Golden Poo award: Post of the Year 2010
The wife got to have her fun. Now it’s my turn.
In a new tradition here in the Abyss, I decided I wanted to highlight my favorite Post of the Year for 2010. Because of my wife’s prodigious use of the word “ego” in the previous post, I decided to select only one post.
I knew the award had to be gold. I knew it had to be poop. What I didn’t know was that the internet would have exactly what I had envisioned.
Maybe my thinking isn’t quite as original as I like to believe?
And the 2010 Golden Poo for the best original post shat from the Abyss in a screenplay, adaptation or blog goes to…
Post: In the service of the King
Originally posted on January 5, 2010
This has got to be one of the most favorite things I’ve ever written. I just love it if I do say so myself. (And I don’t mind if I do.) I even created the photoshop to come up my family’s very own coat of arms. Interestingly, the meaning behind the fictional name of “Gristle” isn’t too far from the real truth! I’m so happy to be carrying on with a proud family tradition.
I think this post represents the peak of this particular blog and it has all been downhill ever since.
Long live The Golden Poo!