Tiger says RAWR!!!
Time for a Tiger Woods update. It’s been far too long.
Let’s start with Nike. Oh Nike. The company is not exactly a paragon of virtue, so it is not too surprising that they’ve decided to stand by their man. Nike terms the Woods controversy a “minor blip.” Apparently Nike’s advise to Woods all along has been “just do it.” Said Nike Chairman Phil Knight:
“One of the things we always try to do when we have a big endorsement is check out the character and the pattern of the individual. Obviously, [Woods] was one we checked out and he came out clean, and I think he’s been really great. When his career is over, you’ll look back on these indiscretions as a minor blip.”
I ran this statement through the translation matrix. Output: “This fucker has made us some serious scrilla, yo!”
Congratulations, Nike. You have earned boycott status from this particular married man. Morals do matter, at least sometimes. If only you knew that.
You can also continue to count Electronic Arts among the Woods faithful.
“Our strong relationship with Tiger for more than a decade remains unchanged. We respect Tiger’s privacy, we wish him a fast recovery and we look forward to seeing him back on the golf course.”
Upcoming releases of Electronic Arts’ Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09 will focus less on the actual game of golf and more on the hidden world of golf. It is said to be a first person “shooter” with many elements of Grand Theft Auto added, especially the prostitutes. Players will be able to “unlock” secrets of Woods’ life include his world famous “O” Face.
Gillette just wanted Tiger to have the “best a man can get.” If you’ve heard that Gillette is dumping Woods, don’t be fooled. The truth isn’t quite as black and white. Gillette is a Woods sponsor. They are taking a higher road than Nike by “distancing” themselves from Woods. I’m just not so sure how much higher that road will turn out to be. Woods is featured in a campaign called “Champions” which started in 2007. The campaign also features Derek Jeter, Roger Federer, and Thierry Henry. Gillette also plans to being featuring more of Matt Ryan.
According to Boston.com:
Although the company will no longer run spots that exclusively feature Woods, Gillette said it will continue its “Champions’’ campaign, which began in 2007.
Gillette said Saturday that it would limit Woods’s advertising presence.
Limiting his presence? That doesn’t sound exactly like a termination of the relationship. Sounds more like they are hedging their bets and playing the wait and see game. Maybe, just maybe, Woods will be back in bed with Gillette in the future. We’ll have to wait and see. In the meantime, is that enough for Gillette to keep my business and earn my respect? Meh.
Another company associated with Woods is Accenture PLC. I’ve never heard of them but their web site says this: “Accenture is a global management consulting, technology services and outsourcing company.” Sounds a lot like the stodgy world of high finance, so it is not too surprising they have dropped Woods completely:
“After careful consideration and analysis, the company has determined that he is no longer the right representative for its advertising,” Accenture said in a statement on Sunday.
Good for you, Accenture PLC.
With Gatorade, it is being widely reported that the decision to drop something called “Gatorade Tiger Focus” days before the Woods scandal broke. It is just me or is it possible this just might have been more than a lucky marketing decision. Maybe they already KNEW!
Tag Heuer previously said they’d stand by Woods because it was “not our business” but now say they are taking some time to reassess their stance. I’m unclear now what is the status of the world’s first “professional golf watch.”
AT&T says it will “reevaluate” their relationship with Woods. Meanwhile they’ve stopped running ads with Woods but have yet to cancel him from their annual AT&T National at Congressional Country Club event that takes place every July 4th weekend.
Lastly I’d like to send out extra special shouts to anyone and everyone who aided and abetted Tiger on his spree o’ sexuality. I previously wrote that Tiger reportedly wasn’t a fan of the condom. Newer gossip adds that he liked his sex “wild” and had a penchant for threesomes. To all of the hoors who knowingly hooked up with a married man and to all of the other enablers and secret keepers who profited from his behavior, I hope you all rot in hell. You are scum. Tiger didn’t do this alone. He had help.
Tiger says, “They’re great!”
Sorry, I just can’t help myself. It’s time for another Tiger post. Already??? Sorry, yeah.
I’m worried about The Tiger. I mean, what will he do to make a living if his endorsements get dumped? I’m worried about him going hungry. And his wife no doubt will lay claim to some of his fortune. They were married in 2004 and the initial prenuptial agreement was worth $20 million after 10 years of marriage. I’m sure all bets are off on that by now, though.
So what will he do if Nike, Gatorade, Gillette and Electronic Arts no longer want any part of the Tiger Woods image? Here are some of my ideas:
Condoms – My advice to Tiger: Strike now while the iron is hot. Pick a brand, any brand, and tee off a new television campaign.
Red Bull – This one seems like a no-brainer to me. If I was an executive at Red Bull, right about now I’d be saying, “We be gots to gettin’ us some Tiger. He must already be drinking our stuff. I mean, just look at him go!” The campaign practically writes itself, too. “Red Bull gives you swings!”
Viagra – Another no brainer. If he’s already on it, then it’s a match made in heaven. If he’s not, it can only bring a whole new level to his game. Either way it’s time for “Smiling Bob” to take a hike.
Female Viagra – What the? Is Tiger even attractive? I certainly don’t think so.So what is it about the man that makes him someone the women so desperately want to bag? Oh yeah, he’s on TV a lot and he’s rich. That’s about all it takes, right? Of course, it is kind of hard to be sponsored by money itself. Perhaps Money magazine?
Can you come up with any other sponsorship ideas of your own for Tiger? We may be the only chance he’s got!
Hold That Tiger!
The subject line for this post is an obscure reference to Preston Tucker, the man who brought the world the 1948 Tucker Sedan. Which, ironically, was also known as the Tucker Torpedo. I think that fits for yet another Tiger post. 🙂
Here are some of the latest and last minute updates for the Tiger Woods Scandal:
The number of women claiming affairs with Tiger is now being reported at 10 including a porn star and a “mysterious sex-addicted cougar.”
Tiger’s wife moves out? Radar Online.com lead with the story “Elin Nordegren moves out” that was confirmed by the Chicago Sun Times.
Tuesday morning a “nice-looking blond woman” was rushed from Tiger’s house and taken to the hospital.
It is being reported that Tiger wasn’t a big fan of the condom, didn’t use protection and didn’t ask if at least one of his lovers was on birth control. If true, that kicks his behavior up to a whole new level of douchebaggery for risking the health of his wife.
As far as I know, Nike continues to stand by their man. “Nike, Gatorade, Gillette and Electronic Arts told ABC News Wednesday that they will continue their relationship with Woods. Nike and Gatorade issued statements Wednesday in support of Woods and his family.” Granted, that piece of news is now six days old. Still, I imagine Nike will soon finally let go of their little Tiger gettin’ tail.