Tag Archives: george lucas

Spoilers a Spoilin’ to Spoil the Spoils

ridiculous-car-spoilers-01

Spoiler alert.

Welp. I finally did it. I went and saw the Star Wars.

I think I waited the right amount of time. There were only 12 people in the theater including one annoying brat. These days that qualifies as the best moviegoing experience of all time. Even so, we still defied the odds and had one of the glowing-screen folk in our midst. Who says you can’t have it all?

If you haven’t seen the movie yet you might want to leave now. And hates you, I do.

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Famous Toms: Stankus

Allegedly a Stankus, Tom. No relation.

Allegedly: Stankus, Tom. No relation.

I was sitting around holding my eyelids open and trying to shoot tiddlywinks inside when I had an idea. “My name is Tom. Who are other people named Tom?”

Yes. It is time for this blog to get all educational up in your grill. I am proud to present a new irregular ongoing series entitled Famous Toms From History.

First up is someone named Stankus. Yes, that’s Tom Stankus, you brainiac. You catch on fast.

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J.J. Abrams is your father!!!

star-wars-twilightIt always a fun time when one of the Abyss family gets a moment in the sun. And by “family” I mean people we’ve blasted in the past. Here’s to you, J.J. Abrams. -Ed

There are so many great moments in the history of Star Wars:

Darth Vadar cuts Obi-Wan Kenobi in half with his lightsaber.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Darth Vader reveals that he is Luke Skywalker’s baby daddy.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

George Lucas gets an idea for a new character to provide comic relief.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Disney Corporation gobbles up Lucasfilm Corporation.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

The White House rejects a petition to build the Death Star.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

J.J. Abrams announced as director of Star Wars 7.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
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When You Wish Upon A Star Wars

Once upon a time I decided to live tweet/microblog the storm of the century.

I’m talking about, of course, the acquisition of Lucasfilm (including the Star Wars franchise) by Disney. Weather phenomena are dwarfed in significance by the galactic magnitude of this event.

Let the news be spread far and wide, all the way to the Outer Rim systems. (Some of you will get this joke.)

Today’s regularly scheduled post has been cancelled so I can bring you continuing coverage of this breaking arm-slicing news.

By the time you read this post, workers will have pulled down the “Skywalker Ranch” sign and replaced it with “Mickey Mouse Ranch.” It doesn’t have quite the same ring, does it? And the statue of Yoda in the courtyard will have been replaced by Jiminy Cricket. Such is the way of things. One philosopher gets traded in for another. Such is the way of The Force.

Disney imagineers are already hard at work to bring more fire scenes to the continuing saga of the Star Wars and, most likely, a few hidden references to “sex” for those freeze-frame fanatics willing to find them. You can’t imagine how good it feels to find an animator’s easter egg hidden in a Disney film. And for most of these egg hunters it’s the one and only time they’ll ever find “sex.” Ha ha ha.

Enough talk! More tweets. I’ve been looking forward to having you for dinner.
–Darth Vader to┬áSebastian the Crab

Without further ado, bring on the tweets!
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All Access Travelogue: How to get in to Skywalker Ranch

Skywalker Ranch Library

The Skywalker Ranch Library

Welcome to the dinner salad, young Skywalker. And I see you brought your own Ranch. Impressive!

Ever wanted to visit Skywalker Ranch? Hell, who wouldn’t? Hearst had his castle, Michael Jackson had Neverland, and George Lucas has gots his digs, too.

And I know how to get in. Curious? Keep reading for my exclusive tip on how to be invited into the Lucasonian world known as Skywalker Ranch.

This tip is foolproof and guaranteed to get you in – but only if you can exactly follow my advice. Be warned and remember! Nothing worthwhile ever comes easy.

Skywalker Ranch is the secret fort of Lucas where he stages massive toy soldier battles between Jedi action figures and Clone Trooper action figures. It is truly a sight to behold.

Situated on about 3,000 acres 20 miles north of San Francisco is the city that Lucas built.

The Ranch contains a barn with animals, vineyards, a garden with fruits and vegetables used in the on-site restaurant, an outdoor swimming pool and fitness center with racquetball courts, the man-made “Lake Ewok,” a hilltop observatory, a 300-seat theater called “The Stag” as well as multiple theater screening rooms, and parking that is mostly concealed underground to preserve the natural landscape. Skywalker Sound was moved onto the ranch in 1987, now occupying the Technical Building. The Main House has a company research library under a stained-glass dome. Skywalker Ranch has its own fire station, which is part of the Marin County Mutual Aid system, and is often called on to assist firefighters in nearby Marinwood.

Sound like fun? Hell yeah! I can’t think of any place I’d rather be. Meanwhile, in other news, I still don’t command the financial forces necessary to be able to own one square inch of Florida swampland. (My mortgage on the property was foreclosed.) It must be nice to be able to afford to prioritize the tough choices and get just a few of the bare necessities that you want. Yes, I jealous a lot. (For me, jealous is a verb!)

Okay, here’s the secret. You read this far so I won’t keep you waiting any longer.

The secret to being invited to Skywalker Ranch is obtaining a level of consciousness where you literally care nothing about Star Wars, George Lucas and Skywalker Ranch. At this level, not only could you not care less about Star Wars, you will also find the whole thing rather tedious, boring and silly. Only once you would automatically refuse any invitation to visit Skywalker Ranch will you be ready.

My beloved Skywalker Ranch mug

Once you’ve carefully followed the above tip you will be invited for a visit. Trust me. I’ve personally witnessed this.

I was with a woman who was an artist back when Lucas decided to make a Star Wars prequel-trilogy starting with The Phantom Menace. Her company was one of the millions courting Lucasfilm for Phantom Menace licensing projects. This woman had absolutely no interest in Star Wars. None. Zip. Nada. Zilch! She had never even seen any of the movies – not even once! On the other hand, of course, I was supergeek who had quite literally worn Star Wars tshirts every day for an entire year during the eighth grade.

As luck would have it, she was invited along with a few others from her company to attend a meeting at Skywalker Ranch. As you might guess, attendees went on this business trip alone – no guests were permitted. In this topsy-turvy world she was the one who was allowed to visit. I was the one who stayed home and received a Skywalker Ranch coffee mug from the on-site “company store” as a consolation prize.

And there you have it! Another secret and practical tip from this cutting-edge blog. Now go out there and put it into action!

May the Fourth be with you

Lightsaber chopsticks will tame that tough piece of meat!

Today is “Star Wars Day.” May 4th. Get it? Hardy har har.

Tonight at 6pm Pacific Time there will be an announcement of intergalactic proportions. It has been a tightly guarded secret and there’s even a web site with a countdown clock to the event:

maythe4th.starwars.com

Why wait? I don’t want to spoil all the fun but I can explain what’s all about right now. It’s just another veritable benefit of being a reader of this blog.

A few months ago George Lucas clenched his butt cheeks and an idea was born. “What if,” he said, “there was a way for those idiots [fans] to buy even more copies of the movies they’ve already owned many times over??? Hell, I’d make a lot more money.”

The announcement tonight will be:

Star Wars: The Complete Saga Blu-ray box set

Retail price: $129.95 USD.

Wow. Really? This is almost as good as the time LeBron James thought it would be a good idea to make a prime-time TV show based on the premise: Should I shit on my loyal fans? (Spoiler alert: He did.) I’ll never forget the announcer who sounded just like Russ Hodges (of “the Giants win the pennant” fame) on that live broadcast: He went for the money! He went for the money!

So George Lucas has decided to suckle on the teat of consumption and this is supposed to be big “news.”

I had high hopes for a pay-per-view event where we see him thrown into a trash compactor but, alas, it is not mean to be.

Remember, you heard it here first!

UPDATE: Now with more video goodness. The tale of George Lucas in college…
Link to video

Behind the Tweets: Star Trek 2

Twitter-sized movie recaps. This week, Star Trek (reboot). Plot summary: “The Enterprise travels from Earth to Vulcan and back again.” #tsmr
As seen on Twitter

You just got the tweet scared out of ya!

Think about it! What was the plot – in a nutshell – of the recent “reboot” Star Trek movie?

Stripped down, it is basically this: The Enterprise travels to Vulcan. The Enterprise travels back to Earth.

Wow. Abrams really is some kind of wundergenius. Naturally I’m waiting to see what he’s got up his sleeve for Star Trek II. (He’s listed as a producer over on IMDb.)

Besides shaking the old school cameras, what else has he got?

This is what we know. (And by “know,” of course, I mean guesses I’m pulling out of my ass.)

Probably the coolest scene from any Star Trek movie --- evar!

Spock Jr. decidedly won’t be needing any pon farr. Certainly not while he’s pluggin’ into Uhura’s communication board. (How the new timeline caused them to somehow hook up remains totally unexplained, just like every other Abrams plot twist.) So we can forget about any pon farr scenes.

After successfully hitting so many “notes” in the first film, the movie makers will be tempted and unable to resist including many more. This includes:

  • Chekov firing torpedoes.
  • Uhura singing.
  • Sulu fencing.
  • Nurse Chapel hanging around sick bay, and perhaps trying to steal Spock from Uhura.
  • The Enterprise bumps into Khan.
  • Kirk defeating a robot with some wacky logic.
  • Scotty claiming he canna change the laws of physics – and then doing exactly that.
  • A Vulcan nerve pinch.
  • Someone working out in the ship’s gymnasium.
  • A food replicator making little cubes of gelatin.
  • A humorous interaction with the ship’s computer.
  • Yeoman Janice Rand bringing the Captain an iPad with gratuitous product placement bonus.
  • Klingons with old skool bumpy foreheads and Next Gen pain sticks.
  • A quick diversion into the Mirror universe.
  • A tribble.
  • Dr. McCoy claiming he’s a doctor and not a [insert best guess here] – most likely “Ship’s Counselor.”
  • A transporter malfunction and/or amazing save.
  • A tricorder.
  • The birth of Jean-Luc Picard in a vineyard in France where his father is heard to exclaim, “If anyone orders Merlot, I’m leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Merlot!”
  • Tholians and their “web.”
  • The Prime Directive will be broken in a bold move that will earn Kirk a citation.
  • The fate of all humanity will hang in the balance so Captain Kirk can save the galaxy one more time. No lesser stakes would be acceptable.

Defying the laws of Hollywood physics, the next movie will not have any time travel elements. That will be a first in the movie franchise. This will widely be viewed as another groundbreaking move by Abrams.

A brief diversion regarding so-called “Notes”

I first heard of the concept of so-called “notes” in movie-making courtesy of George Lucas. To him, a “note” is doing the same shit twice. A note is a device for discouraging original thought.

For example, in the first Star Wars movie, aptly named “Star Wars” (long before any of that renumbering trilogy horseshit) a few things happened:

  • Someone said, “Look at the size of that thing!”
  • Someone said, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”
  • Someone said, “Nooooooooooooooooooooo!”

Lucas, in a fit a pure genius, decided it would be wise to include those exact same phrases in everything else he made for the rest of his life. Those phrases appeared verbatim during a love scene between Han Solo and Leia Organa, but unfortunately that scene ended up on the cutting room floor. But Lucas was still able to get those phrases repeated ad infinitum all over the rest of that damn galaxy.

Here’s a little memorandum to George Lucas, the brilliant guy who wrote the Solo/Greedo scene and the douchnozzle who went back and ruined the Solo/Greedo scene: Notes aren’t notes. They’re just re-hash of the same shit!

Notes! Pffffffffft!

Star Trek II – The Wrath of Spock

Captain’s log, Stardate 1312.4. The Enterprise and crew have been ordered to an area of space unexplored by the Federation, where literally no man has gone before. Our mission is to create star maps of the region. This is our first deep space voyage. Our new navigator, Dave Bailey, has relived Chekov who volunteered for cryogenic experimentation. Meanwhile, the further we travel from Earth, the more … human … my First Officer seems to get. I’m worried about my friend…

Here are my suggestions on the next Star Trek movie:

Spock is increasingly obsessed about the loss of his home planet, Vulcan, and he’s tormented by haunting dreams of his dead mother. His beliefs shaken by the revelation from his father, the Ambassador, that he married a human out of love, Spock is conflicted. Even inventing a 3D form of chess can’t relieve his anguish. (Technical note: That chess game is going to look soooo bitchen in 3D.)

Meanwhile the Enterprise is ordered to a previously unexplored region of space to create star maps. Starfleet Command envisions the mission as a relatively safe way to shakedown the ship and provide the new Captain and crew with valuable experience.

Out of desperation, Spock devises a plan to save Vulcan and his mother. He is well aware of the existence of red matter, and its ability to generate rips in time, but red matter no longer exists since Nero’s ship was destroyed, and it won’t be invented again for another 100 years. Spock theorizes that matter and anti-matter colliding could conceivably send the Enterprise back in time, but he lacks the computational abilities.

Spock continues to obsess about time warp calculations and his duties as Science Officer suffer, which doesn’t go unnoticed by Captain Kirk. McCoy interrupts a heated discussion between Kirk and Spock in the Captain’s Quarters. Spock reveals his plan save Vulcan and is expressly forbidden to pursue the research by Kirk.

Rebuffed, Spock retreats to his quarters and tries in vain to meditate, only to realize he knows of a place where he can obtain the knowledge needed for his plan. He knows that Kirk met future-Spock on the ice planet and reasons that a mind meld between the two must have taken place. Spock realizes that he can access scientific knowledge from future-Spock indirectly through Kirk’s mind.

Spock isolates Kirk and a terrible fight takes places. Kirk is defeated by Spock. Spock initiates the mind meld and gains the knowledge he seeks, and something more, something unexpected.

As part of a science experiment in cryogenic freezing, Chekov is thawed out. Later, the Enterprise encounters the SS Botany Bay drifting in space. Using knowledge acquired from the experiments on Chekov, Dr. McCoy is able to thaw out Khan Noonien Singh, one of the word tyrants from Earth’s past.

A three-way battle for control of the Enterprise erupts. Spock initially seizes control but at the last minute aborts his plan to join forces with Kirk, because only together can they defeat Khan.

After Khan gains irrevocable control of the ship, an unbreakable friendship will be forged and there will be some tough choices to be made to save the ship and determine the fate of all mankind…

Sorry. That’s where my creativity ends. At least for today. Oh yeah, they also drop off Navigator Bailey with Ron Howard’s brother AKA “Balok.”

I’ll need just a bit of tranya to finish my screenplay. To that end, I propose a toast!

As a kid, I used to lay awake and think
When was Santana gonna make a drink?
But now I’m all grown and my dream came true
Santana tranya, from Beta Quadrant to you!

Editor’s note: We realize we have violated the nerd precept that Star Trek and Star Wars can’t be mentioned in the same post but we’re out of time to edit. Deal with it.