Lard Fail
Out in the street in front of our drive was a sawhorse festooned with a garish sign and, get this, a festive baby blue helium balloon dancing playfully in the air.
My wife knows how to throw a party.
“A balloon,” I said. “Where the hell did you get a helium balloon?”
“At the dollar store.”
“Huh. How much did it cost?”
Dripping with more sweat than Mike Rowe driving a Ford Truck, I had just muscled tons of our most useless crap out on the front lawn. My normally well-oiled brain wasn’t exactly firing on all cylinders.
Weird how it was that moment the heavens decided to deluge our asses and stuff. I welled up with despair as I watched the rain beating down against that little helium balloon. I’m proud to say it didn’t fight back much. Soon it lay there, on the ground, like a fresh chunk of roadkill.
It wasn’t a winner, but I knew how to handle that. I dashed out in the rain and pinned it with a “participant” ribbon taken from my trophy collection. It popped and was gone for good.
Our “yard sale” was officially underway.
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IKEA the Light
Being new to the big city, my wife and I ran off last night and did something that officially baptized us as seasoned big city denizens. Nothing in this city will ever hold our wonder again.
Laws, yes. M-O-O-N. That’s spells IKEA. And what a sight it was to behold. In fact, I’m going to do my best to document the experience from the perspective of all five senses. Yes, all five! It’s a lofty goal. Let’s see how I do.
After consulting the texts of ancient lore (Google) we determined that we’d have to drive through about 10 miles of urban jungle in areas we had never explored before. This was going to be something new. I packed my machete just in case we saw any urbane gorillas.
At first we worried we might get lost, but while still about 42 miles away, the shape of IKEA loomed large and glowed in the distance. There was no mistaking the mountain of yellow and blue which shined bigger and brighter than Mt. Everest as seen from a distance of 12 feet.
The only close call we had on the way over was when my wife reflexively knee-jerked the car and almost pulled into the parking lot of another garishly colored blue and yellow building. But that only turned out to be the IKEA warehouse. I hate to burst any bubbles but apparently the trendy product widgets contained in the IKEA store are not actually björn there.
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Cats discover furniture move
Are news anchors supposed to show quite that much emotion when they read the news? I don’t think so!
Today there was big news in the Abyss household. My wife had picked up her bookcase from the storage unit and reorganized the living room a bit. This freaked out the cats. To say the least.
Our male cat, the scaredy one, promptly climbed to the top of the TV set in order to survey what had happened. Our TV serves as his own personal Pride Rock. From that vantage point he can survey the entire savanna of our living room and assess the devastation. Meanwhile his sister gave the bookcase a thorough sniff inspection. A bomb-sniffing dog couldn’t have done it any better.
CNN Pride Rock Eye in the Sky is also still on the lookout for The Vacuum but it hasn’t been seen for several days now.
Correspondent Anderson Catter will be joining us live via catellite from the laundry room with the latest on the kibble food shortage.
Later Kitty Amanapurr reports on what to do when humans bring home guests. What you don’t know could kill you!
Back to you, Bobcat!
Shouts from the Abyss 
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