Team America is about to unload a can of whoop-ass-sized Freedom Fries ™ on your Roquefort. Yeeeeeeee-haw!
U.S. CEO Blasts French Work Habits
–A frothy headline from the “We Hate Obama’s Guts” edition of the Wall Street Journal
Can I re-write the headline?
U.S. Money Eater Blasts Cheese Eaters, Claims Currency Is ‘Ten Times More Delicious’ Than Fromage
—The Daily Abyssian Union Picayune Herald Register Times Tribune Weekly
Roquefort is under attack. Roquefort will be defended!!!
It all started when the CEO of a U.S. tire manufacturer published a letter in a French newspaper criticizing the work habits of French workers and, responding to the notion of buying a former Goodyear tire plant, stating: “How stupid do you think we are?”
To be honest, I’d happily respond to that question but I doubt he’d be able to understand the answer. Héh héh héh héh héh!!!
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Remember the good old days when politician hyperbole was limited to things like “freedom fries?” Well, maybe not. Maybe that golden era never existed. But that’s a far cry from things like a “Satan sandwich” and “Satan fries.” No, I’m not making that up. Google it. It’s there.
But this isn’t a post about that. This is a post about foods.
Last Monday the Cow Orker was hungry. She said she was going to the Mexican fast food drive thru restaurant up the street. She asked if I wanted anything.
“I’ll take some french fries, please.”
Everyone thought I was nuts. French fries at a Mexican restaurant? “We’ll see,” I said with a wizened look in my eye.
She came back with a huge container of piping hot fries. They had made them fresh just for me. They were delicious, gorgeous, plump, beautiful and served up in a large styrofoam container. And the whole order was only $1.80. I think a large order at McDonalds costs almost twice as much.
The Cow Orker was insanely jealous. “I’ll just sit here and eat my chips. The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip!” Mwuhahaha!
Today she decided to go back and get her own. She was positively beside herself with the wanting of the chips. She came back in the office talking about “disappointment.” For a moment, that made me jealous. What the hell is my personal companion doing flirting with someone else?
We gathered around the sad little bag she had returned with. She reached in and pulled out this tiny, greasy mess that looked more like a potato massacre than anything resembling what we had seen on Monday.
Limp. Lifeless. Greasy. Mushy. Lackluster. Wanting. Decidedly not served in a big stryofoam container but a little cup. Sad. Pathetic. Impotent. Spent. Waste. Different. Barely warm.
“What happened?” we asked.
She explained that she had ordered the exact same thing as before. It was $1.80, just like before. But the server had no idea what she was talking about when she explained that these fries were completely different. “No, no,” she was assured. “That’s how they always are.”
Except for that apparently make-believe land of 48 hours ago.
And that’s how I earned the title, Lord of the Fries.
I’m proud to present two recent stories, variations on a similar theme, about pieces of shit making really dumb ass decisions and facing INSTANT JUSTICE of the most satisfying kind.
Two assholes were out on the town when they spotted a couple of transvestites walking down the street. Being the dimwitted prejudiced punk bitches that they were, they decided to beat up the men in drag just for the hell of it. They were in for a little shock though, when they discovered that the men weren’t transvestites after all. They were cage fighters on their way to hang out and had dressed up in women’s clothes because they wanted to do “something different.”
Suffice it to say the would-be thugs got served a satisfying can of whoop ass. Big time. Then the cage fighters picked up their handbags and continued on their way.
These dudes are the worst kind of scum, picking on someone just because of how they looked, and they got what they deserved. And the fight was caught on video, too.
People in the United States are so smug about certain things. One of those is that the French are considered pussies. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Some Americans confuse a difference of opinion as weakness but in reality the French have been bad ass throughout history and are still bad ass to this day. I know this because I took three years of french and ate my share of snails.
Those friggin’ Somalia pirates made a big mistake the other day when they mistook a French military vessel as a commercial vessel and opened fire. France was in waters 600 miles off the coast of Somalia conducting anti-piracy operations. No French personnel were injured in the attack. The military vessel, the BCR Somme, gave chase and captured one of the two attacking boats. Those pirates sure looked like pussies giving up. In my opinion the French should have deep-sixed those friggin’ assholes. Instead they’ll be “arrested” and treated way more civilly than they deserve.
From what I hear the Somalia overlords who are behind piracy attacks have made a lot of ransom money, which is why the attacks continue. It would certainly be quite easy to identify them in a country that is dirt poor. I don’t understand why they just don’t drop in some smart bombs on those motherfuckers.
In any case, that’s two similar stories within the last week of justice served cold and in instantaneous fashion. You sure made some bad moves, creeps. Too bad all cases of thuggery can’t come to such satisfying conclusions!