Tag Archives: football

Guru Comic: Turning Over An Old Leaf

guru-chargers

San Diego Chargers Playoff Picks

Any team responsible for this will enjoy success in the NFL.

Any team responsible for this will enjoy success in the NFL. Strike that. Reverse it. Commitment to ex-lax.

Sure, football is stupid, only a game, and something certain so-called manly men do to squeeze precious nectar of testosterone out of their nutsacks like an orange on a juicer.

In other words, you have come to the right place for inciteful NFL postseason analysis.

It’s the playoffs.

Those of you who caught my microblog on Twitter of the San Diego Chargers vs. The Denver Broncos already know what to expect. I’m going to hit it and I’m going to hit it hard.

The San Diego Chargers could have beaten Peyton Manning and The Denver Broncos in Mile High Stadium if they had followed my carefully developed strategy. Since Peyton’s offense was too powerful, my advice was to not field a defense and allow the Broncos to score at will. (This is essentially what happened.) Then, when on offense, the Chargers could break out their secret weapon and run the fake punt on first down. Every first down of the game.

–Tom B. Taker

Alas, the Chargers failed to heed my advice, so I’m forced to offer my predictions for the rest of the playoffs.
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San Diego super-Chunkers

Famous ChickenFrom now on the Abyss is going to be a sports blog, because, yeah, I love sports. A lot. At least I used to. Okay, never mind. I’ll talk about sports just this once…

These are the facts as I remember them. I’m doing this by memory so don’t bench me if I fumble a bit.

The San Diego Chargers made it to the Super Bowl once where they were promptly crushed by Steve Young and the San Francisco 49ers.

The San Diego Padres made it to the World Series. Twice. And in those two trips they won a grand total of one game. One. That’s a World Series win-loss record of 1 out of 8. The only win came in 1984 against the Detroit Tigers in Game Two, when Kurt Bevacqua got the go-ahead RBI with a 5th inning home run. This was enough to give pitcher Andy Hawkins the win.

These days, when I think about the San Diego Chargers, I mostly think about Drew Brees and how he was traded to the New Orleans Saints who now have a Super Bowl win under their belts. Unlike San Diego.
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The morality of losing your morals

I find my thoughts returning to it again and again.

Infidelity.

This time it’s courtesy of Brett Favre. A man married to a breast cancer survivor. An NFL quarterback. A role model to kids.

Brett Favre. A man who transmitted pictures of his junk to at least one woman who turned down his unwanted advances.

Now another woman has come forward to say that she felt “harassed” by the superstar athlete, too.

I’m going to go way out on a limb here and guess that Mr. Happy Penis may not have been exactly faithful to his wife.

Reflecting on Favre’s situation today it struck me how deeply this sort of thing bothers me. I spent a good part of the last year skewering Tiger Woods for the exact same thing.

It leaves me asking one big question: What ever happened to morals? Did Brett Favre and Tiger Woods ever have any? Or has their public persona been just another role on the stage to hide all the rolls in the hay?

I’ve heard it said that if you toss a frog into boiling water he’ll jump right out. But if you put that same frog in cold water and gradually turn on the heat, it will never occur to him to leave, and he’ll stay in until he dies.

I wonder which is the case with folks like Favre and Woods? Was it is a long series of temptations and personal compromises until they found themselves in too deep? Or is that giving them way too much credit? Were they ever that decent to begin with?

Why make the ultimate promise to another person if you have no intention of keeping it? This isn’t an episode of a wacky TV sitcom. This is real life. These are real people. If you ain’t got the guts to keep your word you shouldn’t be satisfying your immediate selfish wants. Be better than that.

What is it about money and fame that makes some men toss their morality out the window like a hot potato? Or is it really about those things at all? Perhaps it merely comes down to power. There are some who have it and use it and believe that they are somehow special, that the rules don’t apply to them. What a load of crap. There is a word for those who have power and use it to hurt others. That word is “bully.”

Now I’m a pretty open-minded kind of guy. My motto is pretty much, “If it feels good, do it.” I don’t talk about sex much but in my opinion if all parties are acting out of informed consent and having a good time then I’m pretty much all for it. I believe you should get all the pleasure you can out of this short life. What really flips me out, though, is when there isn’t “consent” or there is an element of anything non-consensual.

If a spouse is lying to another then, by definition, there is no “consent.” In fact, if a spouse has outside sexual partners and their mate is not aware, and they continue to engage in sexual activity with that spouse, in my opinion that behavior should be a crime. Perhaps “attempted murder.” Okay, maybe that’s a little strong. Maybe I’d be willing to settle for “reckless endangerment.” The point is they are risking the health of the innocent spouse and for that they MUST be held accountable.

Favre and Woods are pieces of shit. In my opinion they have achieved their respective brass rings. And pooped on them. Was it their incredible will to succeed? God-given gifts? Who knows? I could care less. I say the hell with their ability to throw the skin of pig and/or hit a little ball with a stick.

If you want to stick your winky in every woman who thinks you are The Shit because of your money and fame, then fine. Go for it. Stay single and live the life you want. What you must not do, however, is pretend to be something else and lie to another human being while you secretly pursue the exact opposite. That just makes you scum.

And yet some people still pay money to watch these men practice their so-called “talents.” Not me. Count me out. I don’t care what these immoral cheaters do. I guess I’m just not that sporting.

Survivor Nicaragua to premier on September 15th

CBS today announced the date for the season premier of Survivor Nicaragua, the 21st season of the popular reality show. The show will premier on Wednesday, September 15th at 8pm.

Rumors and other information are starting to flow as CBS gears up to release the identities of this year’s cast sometime in August. There will be two starting teams named “Espada” and “La Flor.” As described on Survivor’s Facebook page: “A great battle between a flower and a sword takes place on the beaches of Nicaragua this September on CBS!!”

There is a rumor that teams will be divided by age with one team over 40 and the other team under 30. This would seem to leave out the 30-somethings, eh? It is also rumored there will be 18 contestants at the start of the show.

Former Dallas Cowboys football coach Jimmy Johnson, age 67, is reportedly a contestant on the show. He might be an interesting choice but I personally don’t see him making it any further than week 4.

Survivor Nicaragua is about to buzz

Grab your buffs. It’s almost time, people!

Nitwit * Outcast * Outfray

Outfray??? Okay, I admit it. That’s lame as hell. Epic fail! The only other thing that came to mind was “Frito-Lay” and I thought that was even lamer. Sue me!

The 21st season of Survivor is scheduled to start sometime in September 2010. I don’t know the official date yet of the season premier, but my spidey sense is tingling and telling me that the official Survivor web site is going to be updated very soon unveiling this season’s cast members.

In breaking news from today, The Dallas Morning News has reported that former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson will be a contestant. (Source.) Prediction: He won’t win. Johnson is currently a football analyst for FOX NFL Sunday. I wonder if FOX hat to put him on waivers so he could appear on an NFL show?

Season 21 of Survivor will reportedly also feature the return of the game-changing “Hidden Immunity Idol.” Jeff Probst has blogged, however, that they will be hidden differently than in previous seasons due to “The Russell Factor.”

Probst has reportedly already signed for seasons 22 of Survivor. The future of the series after that remains uncertain at this time.

For the first time since Survivor Borneo, the initial season of Survivor, the show will air on Wednesdays at 8pm.

Seasons 21 and 22 of Survivor will both reportedly be filmed in Nicaragua near San Juan del Sur. This no doubt will help reduce the costs of producing the show.

The top prize of $1 million still hasn’t been adjusted for inflation since the series originally premiered in the United States in 2000. That’s probably why I don’t even bother. ๐Ÿ™‚