Yo, bouncer. Check this out. Insta playa status! I go to the front of the line.

So you want to be in the mail order business. Whether traditional “brick and mortar” or hanging out your shingle online, you have decided to ask the same question: How easy is it to rip me off?

Mail order is a retail system where fulfillment takes place at a remote location outside of your field of view and control. Think of it as the fog of war. By definition you are operating with less than full information. By design. Remember, this was your choice.

You might as well go in a dark alley and roll some dice. You might get better odds.

Here’s a typical scenario:

1. Customer/criminal visits your website and loads up on plastic crap made in China. (Let’s be honest, that’s all you sell.)
2. Payment is made with a credit card.
3. You rub your hands together in glee, shout “Squee!” and box and ship the crap.
4. Customer/criminal fiend receives the crap.
5. Customer/criminal fiend then claims crap was never received and “disputes” the charges with the credit card company.
6. The credit card company (aka The Vig) is, in this situation, the sole arbiter of truth, justice and the American way. You agreed to this policy.
7. You submit all of your detailed records regarding the transaction including: customer order, shipping receipt, emails, phone records, retina scans, DNA samples and a electronic facsimile of thumbprint.
8. The credit card company says, “Well, there just ain’t no way to know!” and decides in the customer’s criminal’s favor. There’s a giant sucking sound as the money is extracted from your account.

Let’s review. What just happened? The customer isn’t out one single penny and the customer has your stuff. Bazinga! And there’s no magical fairy in the universe that’ll ever do one thing about it. Welcome to your new reality.

Those of you who watch Orange Is The New Black may recognize this tactic as employed by the criminal mastermind Lorna Morello during her pre-prison flashbacks. People really get caught for this? No. Remember, OITNB is fiction.

The bottom line is that shipping product mail order to a customer is a supreme act of faith. You’re basically hoping it’ll all work out. And when it doesn’t, there’s isn’t too much you can do about it.

The point is that when this happens the boss is furious and that, of course, is hilarious.