I’m sitting here writing this post in my Kmart underwear … and nothing else. Yes, even though Kmart sucks. Maybe because of it. I gotta be me. We all know how much I enjoy humiliation.
I don’t know much and what I do know seems to be shrinking on an almost daily basis. My existence is increasingly consumed by thoughts regarding my sanity.
For those keeping track the opening paragraph was “underwear” and the follow-up paragraph was “shrinkage.” This is known as a progression of ideas. I’m building up to something. You are wise to still be reading this.
Aside from all that, there seems to be something else going on.
My rate of “Rain Man” moments seems to be on the rise. There’s been an uptick in momentia, if you will.
No, we decidedly do not refer to them as “senior moments.” Despite being a grumpy grandpa and standing on my lawn and yelling at kids, I’m not ready for that schtick just yet. Not while I’m still young and in my prime.
Besides, I’m an excellent driver.
Then I was responsible for a car accident after going to the pharmacy to pick up my “meds.” Oh, shit. Did I just use the word “meds?” This is the end.
So yeah, that happened.
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Tiger says RAWR!!!
Time for a Tiger Woods update. It’s been far too long.
Let’s start with Nike. Oh Nike. The company is not exactly a paragon of virtue, so it is not too surprising that they’ve decided to stand by their man. Nike terms the Woods controversy a “minor blip.” Apparently Nike’s advise to Woods all along has been “just do it.” Said Nike Chairman Phil Knight:
“One of the things we always try to do when we have a big endorsement is check out the character and the pattern of the individual. Obviously, [Woods] was one we checked out and he came out clean, and I think he’s been really great. When his career is over, you’ll look back on these indiscretions as a minor blip.”
I ran this statement through the translation matrix. Output: “This fucker has made us some serious scrilla, yo!”
Congratulations, Nike. You have earned boycott status from this particular married man. Morals do matter, at least sometimes. If only you knew that.
You can also continue to count Electronic Arts among the Woods faithful.
“Our strong relationship with Tiger for more than a decade remains unchanged. We respect Tiger’s privacy, we wish him a fast recovery and we look forward to seeing him back on the golf course.”
Upcoming releases of Electronic Arts’ Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09 will focus less on the actual game of golf and more on the hidden world of golf. It is said to be a first person “shooter” with many elements of Grand Theft Auto added, especially the prostitutes. Players will be able to “unlock” secrets of Woods’ life include his world famous “O” Face.
Gillette just wanted Tiger to have the “best a man can get.” If you’ve heard that Gillette is dumping Woods, don’t be fooled. The truth isn’t quite as black and white. Gillette is a Woods sponsor. They are taking a higher road than Nike by “distancing” themselves from Woods. I’m just not so sure how much higher that road will turn out to be. Woods is featured in a campaign called “Champions” which started in 2007. The campaign also features Derek Jeter, Roger Federer, and Thierry Henry. Gillette also plans to being featuring more of Matt Ryan.
According to Boston.com:
Although the company will no longer run spots that exclusively feature Woods, Gillette said it will continue its “Champions’’ campaign, which began in 2007.
Gillette said Saturday that it would limit Woods’s advertising presence.
Limiting his presence? That doesn’t sound exactly like a termination of the relationship. Sounds more like they are hedging their bets and playing the wait and see game. Maybe, just maybe, Woods will be back in bed with Gillette in the future. We’ll have to wait and see. In the meantime, is that enough for Gillette to keep my business and earn my respect? Meh.
Another company associated with Woods is Accenture PLC. I’ve never heard of them but their web site says this: “Accenture is a global management consulting, technology services and outsourcing company.” Sounds a lot like the stodgy world of high finance, so it is not too surprising they have dropped Woods completely:
“After careful consideration and analysis, the company has determined that he is no longer the right representative for its advertising,” Accenture said in a statement on Sunday.
Good for you, Accenture PLC.
With Gatorade, it is being widely reported that the decision to drop something called “Gatorade Tiger Focus” days before the Woods scandal broke. It is just me or is it possible this just might have been more than a lucky marketing decision. Maybe they already KNEW!
Tag Heuer previously said they’d stand by Woods because it was “not our business” but now say they are taking some time to reassess their stance. I’m unclear now what is the status of the world’s first “professional golf watch.”
AT&T says it will “reevaluate” their relationship with Woods. Meanwhile they’ve stopped running ads with Woods but have yet to cancel him from their annual AT&T National at Congressional Country Club event that takes place every July 4th weekend.
Lastly I’d like to send out extra special shouts to anyone and everyone who aided and abetted Tiger on his spree o’ sexuality. I previously wrote that Tiger reportedly wasn’t a fan of the condom. Newer gossip adds that he liked his sex “wild” and had a penchant for threesomes. To all of the hoors who knowingly hooked up with a married man and to all of the other enablers and secret keepers who profited from his behavior, I hope you all rot in hell. You are scum. Tiger didn’t do this alone. He had help.