The Game of Poop
Walk carefully and carry a big pointer.
Another one of my amazing talents is “board game designer.”
I’m an old school gamer which means I love dice and hexagons. And I usually don’t like electronic gadgets in board games. An electronic gadget in a board game is a lot like a sound bite in politics. It may be flashy but is usually doesn’t add much to the game.
I’d now like to introduce my latest board game concept. I’m calling it simply: The Game of Poop. (The name “Origin of the Feces” was tossed out of consideration because Type O Negative released an album with that same title.)
The objective of my game is to fling poo at your opponents. Sounds fun already, eh?
Initially all players start on a clean board. Uh oh, I bet I know where this is going.
An early objective will be to gather and consume as much food as you can. After all, you can’t take out your opponents without ammunition.
Once you’ve made your first poo it’s time to go hunting for your enemies. Get as close as you can and fling that poo! Better hurry. Hold on to that poop too long and it might turn on you. Yes, there can be friendly fire in this game.
A player hit with three poops it sent to the Decon Chamber and is out of the game.
However, hit or miss, a square where poop lands will be turned brown. As the game progresses the danger level will increase. (This is where the electronic game board kicks in. The game board itself will keep track of the brown squares.) In this game time is of the essence!
Just like Monopoly, cards will be used to introduce random events into the game. The most coveted card will most likely be “Mexican Restaurant.” The most dreaded? “Know Your Enema.” A player receiving this card will be sent to the nearest medical facility and will lose valuable time as they attempt to roll doubles in order to be treated with a colonic.
The winning player, if lucky enough, will successfully take out all of the other players. However… if the game goes on too long brown squares could lead to contamination of food sources on the board. Or, landing in a concentration of brown spaces could result in an outbreak of deadly diseases, like cholera. If that happens, the game isn’t over, but the object for victory changes. The winner becomes the one who can stay alive the longest.
OK, be honest. I can take it. Would you buy this game and who wants to attend game night at my house???
The windshield and the bug
Here’s a little something I’ve been known to say quite often: The public is ugly. What do I mean by this?
Mainly it’s all about attitude. One that encompasses a sense of entitlement with extreme rudeness. We’ve all seen gigantic dill holes strutting around and treating people like shit. From time to time all of us may have even been that dill hole. Why is this?
My personal theory has to do with the school of thought that says “the customer is always right.” What a load of bullshit!!!
Most of us have been stuck in a dead end job at one point or another. And what, above all else, has been beaten into us with a stick? The old school paradigm “the customer is always right.”
This sort of saying is a tool wielded by idiots who think they are “managing” employees just by repeating some meaningless, old, tired, broken down phrase. Sadly these are usually the worst managers of all-time.
The phrase “the customer is always right” was originally coined as an advertising gimmick by Harry Gordon Selfridge, the guy who founded the British department store Selfridges. For more about the phrase and some excellent information debunking it as a way to achieve customer service, please see the excellent article Top 5 reasons why “The Customer Is Always Right” is wrong.
So what do we miserable employees do with this horrible mindset that we’ve had beaten into us for our whole lives? Naturally when we go out in the world we trade in our “employee hat” for our “customer hat,” and then we let the good times roll. We treat every employee we meet just the way we’ve always been treated – like our own personal doormats!
Indeed, sometimes we’re the windshield and sometimes we’re the bug.
Now we have the spectacle of flight attendant Steven Slater and how he recently quit his job in the spotlight. Now there is a guy who simply got fed up with the public and how ugly we can be. This raises an important question: Just how much shit is one supposed to ingest in the interests of keeping one’s job?
An article from CNN floated across my screen today on this very same topic and it got me thinking. Here’s some excerpts from the article:
“I used to be a flight attendant. I left just after 1.5 years on the job. I was tired of not being treated with respect by passengers and management. After all these years, I still remember this kid saying loudly, ‘Here comes the trash lady.’ His father was laughing next to him.”
“The flying public in America is the rudest bunch of people I’ve ever seen. In my short experience, I was cussed out, spit at, had things thrown at me, and [was] threatened with all sorts of violence. The traveling public believes they should be able to ignore rules and do whatever they want and you are a just a slave there just to serve them, that is until the plane crashes then you’re supposed to be their savior.”
They’re preachin’ to the choir! I’ve been saying this all along!
Here’s a video to illustrate the ugly side of “I’m the customer” mindset. Here we see a woman in a drive thru reportedly at 6am and being told she can’t have any Chicken McNuggets. (When you get the munchies I guess you really get the munchies.) All this over fugging nuggets? All I can say is, “Wow!”
If this video gets removed by YouTube, you can also try this link on the New York Daily News. As of my publication deadline it also has the video.
All of this is just more convincing evidence for my upcoming book, Society of Assholes. Look for it in book stores soon if I can convince any employees to actually print the bloody thing. I’ll be the one pooping on them trying to force them to do and care about their insignificant jobs!
Personally I try to live by the Golden Rule. (I hope you were drinking Red Bull as you read this line.) Hopefully that means I’m more windshield than bug. Or is that the other way around?
In closing, please allow me to offer the following thought as both an American worker and customer: I FLING POO!!!
Please enjoy the musical selection that our chef has paired with this article.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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