One night I dreamed I was walking on a beach with the Lord. In the sky I saw scenes from my life. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints side by side. Other times the footprints were single file, like Sand People who travel that way to conceal their numbers. This bothered me because the single file footprints seemed to precede all of tumultuous times in my life.
So I said to the Lord, “You promised you would always walk with me. But the footprints say that each time the shit was about to hit the fan you were no longer by my side.”
The Lord replied, “The times you see single file footprints are the times you stabbed me in the back.”
At times religion can be a beautiful thing. At other times it can be more like a barrel of monkeys. Believer or not, I think most people can agree at least that much is true.
In the news recently was a story about a high school teacher claiming he was fired for being an atheist. Let’s take a look shall we?
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I’ve decided to expand my operations. There are big changes afoot. No longer will I wallow in the pitiful mediocrity of my words. Blogging is passe and busted. No more blog posts from me. Today I boldly leap into the exciting, glamorous and fast-paced world of greeting cards!
Since the market is over-saturated and rife with competition, I’ll need a way to stand out from the crowd. I prefer to be left standing in my field. That’s just the way I roll.
So I will specialize in negativity cards. I haven’t mapped out all the sub-genres yet, but we’ll cover pregnant maids, wood chipper accidents, death threats and many passive-aggressive themes. Our aim is to bring a touch of gritty realism to a product that is normally syrupy-sweet and overly upbeat. And, as an added bonus, in addition to tired greetings, each of our cards is handcrafted in the Abyss and tells a gripping story. Enjoy the narrative!
Welcome to the Abyss Greeting Card store!
Card – Front
Card – Inside
Rome wasn’t built in a day…
Nor was it built by gerbils.
I’m not going to beat around the bush. The lead for this story is quite clear.
The gerbil has been terminated from his job.
Unbelievable, I know.
Upon termination for a no-call, no-show, the gerbil is said to have quipped, “I must have forgotten to turn my alarm on.”
You might ask, “Is this the same gerbil that used his phone as an alarm clock, even though we advised him against doing that 1.2 million times?” That answer would be yes.
You might ask, “Is this the same gerbil that could easily snooze through his alarm 27 times in a row?” That answer would be yes.
You might ask, “Is this the same gerbil who was on extremely thin ice for a horrible record of attendance, making up wacky stories for why he couldn’t work, and was routinely late for or didn’t show up for work at all?” That answer would be, surprisingly, yes.
Somehow the cruel hand of fate reached out and unfairly smacked this poor kid around leading to his unjust removal as an employee. It just isn’t fair!!!
That makes two of our gerbils who have now lost their jobs due to no-call, no-show scenarios. Gerbil #1 felt “sick” one day for something like the umpteenth time. He didn’t have a land line and no cell phone was available. So he just didn’t show up. He was summarily fired. I asked him later, “Did it ever cross your brain to try to find a phone?” He could only lamely reply, “No.” (That’s translated from gerbil squeak.)
Now Gerbil #2 has followed in those exact same footsteps. It is rather remarkable, really. Rarely in the world of scientific exploration do we find this sort of ironclad consistency.
No doubt new gerbil behavior is brewing due to this recent development. Stay tuned for more details as they become available…
I wish I could take credit for this one but I can’t. This concept was executed (heh) by a co-worker of mine. Yes, he’s a member of the Fight Back Club. In fact, he was just told by the boss last week that he must increase his productivity by 20 percent by a certain deadline or he’s fired.
Oh yeah, by the way, like the boss says, we’re all “family” and we just know we’ll see you at the not-so-voluntary employee recognition party soon. Bring your knee pads because servicing the boss’ needs never takes a vacation.
Ode to Monday: Shot to the face and you’re to blame, you give the work week a bad name…
The gerbil code-named Farley is 22 years old, still lives at home, has never held down a real job for any significant period of time, has a medical marijuana card for his “sore back,” and was recently approved for food stamps.
Farley has had a few jobs in his four-year “career” since graduating high school (a rare feat amongst gerbils) but the outcome of his employment is always the same: He either quits or gets fired after an amazingly short period of time.
Farley was recently hired as a dishwasher at a local restaurant. Apparently the chef was not too impressed with Farley’s work ethic. One day the chef asked Farley to “pick up the pace.” Farley, not one to be known for a lack of self-expression, replied, “Get off my back.” Witty gerbil repartee!
The chef was not to be outdone. “I guess this is your last day.” Farley couldn’t agree fast enough. Yet another job burned through and in record time.
One thought struck me: When you are not responsible for your own food, clothing and shelter, an interaction like the one Farley the Ex-Dishwasher just had isn’t quite that impressive. It would be a lot more meaningful if he wasn’t living at home and his entire existence was on the line. That sort of mundane reality is something that is left for the rest of us non-gerbils to deal with. Take me, for example. When my boss whips it out and says, “Kneel down and get to work,” I don’t have much choice. My mommy isn’t going to feed me and tuck me in at night even if I lose my job. It’s either the job or nothing else. So I do what I gotta do to survive.
All good things must come to an end, and so it will probably be for Farley. Someday. Maybe. I say maybe because sometimes the universe can work in strange ways. Instead of ever having to learn responsibility Farley just might inherit everything from his parents and never have to work a day in his life. He’ll go from birth to death and never have to learn about the real human experience or any kind of responsibility. It might just happen. And if it does I’ll have to learn to live with it. Like my dad used to say, “Like isn’t fair. Who ever promised you that?”
On the other hand, if the shit does hit the fan and Farley someday has to sink or swim, I just pray to God that I get to be there to see it!
And now on to our discovery…
The Gerbil Birthday
This is a day set aside for someone who has lied to you, stolen from you, broken your stuff, treated you like shit and owes you lots of money. Even though the gerbil has avoided you like the plague (except when favors are needed of course) as the celebration day approaches the gerbil is suddenly around more often and on his best behavior. There is less anger and in your face angst and fewer “do you want to see me swinging from the end of rope!!!” comments. The day itself is celebrated by making the gerbil a special dinner, providing a celebratory dessert, and giving the gerbil gifts.
Starting today our scientists will be watching with the utmost interest to see how the gerbil’s behavior may unfold during the next few days. A quick revert to “gerbil normal” behavior is expected.