A Bite of Guru: Ham and Cheese Sandwich
What the hell is this?!
Attention food manufacturers: I could be representing your product online. Hire me and experience a whole new world of exposure. What would it be like? Here’s a little taste. –Ed.
“What is that?” some moron asked me one day.
I chewed and gulped hard. “It’s a ham and cheese sandwich,” I replied even though my mouth was still full.
“And what the hell is that?” they continued with their clever line of questioning.
“I’ll be happy to explain it for you.”
—
First find yourself some wheat. Harvest the caryopsis (a combination of endosperm, germ, and bran) and mill it to a fine powder. Add some water and a handful of single-cell microorganisms (species Saccharomyces cerevisiae), stir, let rest and insert into a high-temperature chamber for awhile.
Meanwhile kill a pig. Process the meat via curing, smoking or salting. Slice the meat thin.
Find a cow (preferably a female). Gather the white liquid produced by the mammary glands. Allow the liquid to curdle, then beginning mill when it becomes curds. Do this for a long while until the sharp edges of the curd pieces are removed. Allow to ripen. Finally, process the whole thing with additional cow white liquid, salt, preservatives and food coloring. Shape (wheel or loaf) and allow to harden. Be sure approx. 10% or less of the final product is mold. Slice into thin pieces.
Using the same white liquid, agitate forcefully until the fat is separated from the rest. To the fat add salt, flavorings and preservatives. Spread this substance on half of the baked wheat product made earlier.
Finally, take an emulsion of oil and combine in a blender with the golden-yellow part of the chicken reproduction process and vinegar or lemon juice (your choice). Spread this on the remaining wheat product.
Stick the processes thin meat and thin pieces of white liquid mold between the wheat product pieces. This entire assembly is known as a “sandwich.”
Optional: Fry the whole thing in a skillet, if you wish. It can be served hot or cold.
Enjoy!
Note: You can skip the “find a cow” sections by purchasing Kraft Singles which adds the following additional ingredients: milk, whey, milk protein concentrate, milkfat, sodium citrate, contains less than 2% of calcium phosphate, whey protein concentrate, salt, lactic acid, sorbic acid as a preservative, cheese culture, annatto and paprika extract (color), enzymes, vitamin d3. (Source: Wikipedia.)
Sweetie, I Wish I Knew How To Quit You
On this pie chart I wasn’t merely the graphic designer. I did all of the calculations, too!
I just heard yesterday that “sugary drinks” are now the #1 source of calories in the American diet.
Yeah, baby! We’re #1! We’re #1! We’re #1!
Something I can graph? Excuse me while I sprint to the spreadsheets. I get to graph something!
Lately I’ve been a wagon-follow-offerer. Vegetarian? Check! Granulated sugar? Check! Coke and/or Pepsi? Check! Alcohol? Now wait just a damn minute. I never went on that wagon. Ah. I see what you did there. Well played.
For some damn strange reason I seem to get off on attempting to test my willpower. This is invariably followed by a period of extreme humiliation. Try it! It’s good fun.
I blame my mother for my lifelong love affair with sugar. Some of my earliest memories of life involve the morning bowl of breakfast cereal. Like Cheerios. And it just wasn’t a bowl of soggies unless there was a gooey thick mess of partially disolved granulated sugar remaining in the bottom of the bowl.
To this day I wonder why she deliberately went out of her way to teach me that. I mean, I was only a child. I wouldn’t have known the difference if I was served Cheerios in the raw, right? Continue reading →
Chip Shot
Chip, protectively cradling his chips, about to get chipped.
I’ve been looking for that niche product that’ll finally get me a chip and a seat at the big table. I think I may have finally found it. It’s hard to believe the answer was right in front of my face the whole time.
Would it surprise you if I said I’m rather chipped off about it?
I’ve decided to invent a new variety of potato chip. Believe it or not, I feel the market is wide open for this sort of thing.
To assist with product design, I’ve identified several key variables: Preparation, Cut, Salt and Flavor.
Santana DVX sparkling wine (aka “champagne”) is the perfect pairing to this post because it is so crisp.
This post is going to require some maths. And here I thought there were lots of varieties of Wheat Thins. Compared to potato chips? Wheat Thins ain’t shit.
Continue reading →
Oils well that ends up in the gutter
Putting the grease trap out front is actually very clever guerilla advertising.
New blog feature: “News you might have missed – oh holy mother of God!” What should I call it? NYMHMOHMOG? Yeah, that sounds good.
A greasy crime syndicate has been busted in China. Authorities were able to slip in and arrest 32 members of a well-oiled criminal machine. These greedy lard-ass criminals were caught literally living off the fat of the land.
Know what I mean?
As a wise fish in Star Wars once said, “It’s a trap!” Now we now that he meant the wholesome residual stuff that sticks around after good down home cookin’. It was the infamous Grease Trap located near the outer rim and the rebel base on one of the moons of Yavin.
Police seized something like 100 tons of “illegally recycled food oil” in China spanning 14 provinces. Where did it come from? Oil gutters in restaurants, of course.
According to police, six different oil processing workshops were closed including one operated by Jinan Green Bio Oil Co., a company that claimed to convert used cooking oil into fuels. What it actually did was filter the oil, recycle it, then sell it wholesale as “new” back to restaurants. (Not quite extra-virgin but I wonder if it would still qualify as Freshly Pressed?)
That sounds a lot like the slippery version of the circle of life. Anyone besides me hungry yet?
A news report in the Washington Post said that the recycled oil can contain carcinogens and traces of aflatoxin. Aflatoxin? Shit! I better check my medicine cabinet to make sure my doctor hasn’t prescribed me any. Side effects include death and oily anus syndrome. (I’m not sure which is worse.)
Dear Lord, bless this food we are about eat.
Actually, aflatoxin is described as a potentially deadly mold. It goes much better with some dishes than water chestnuts or cilantro.
This isn’t exactly the first food scandal to hit China. Other greatest hits include golden moldies like fish treated with “cancer-causing antimicrobials,” eggs laced with industrial dye, and fake liquor that can cause blindness or death.
And, in 2008, there was the tragedy where milk and infant formula laced with melamine killed six children and made 300,000 people sick.
In America, just this week, a man named Dr. Oz has been making waves by claiming that apple juice (a favorite of youngsters) contains unacceptably high levels of arsenic. No word yet on the old lace.
Industry, the FDA, and some other doctors have been quick to defend the wholesome product.
I have a question: What the fuck is arsenic doing in there in the first place? What levels are acceptable?
Of arsenic, Wikipedia says this:
Arsenic and its compounds, especially the trioxide, are used in the production of pesticides (treated wood products), herbicides, and insecticides. These applications are declining, however, as many of these compounds are being phased out. Arsenic poisoning from naturally occurring arsenic compounds in drinking water remains a problem in many parts of the world.
And, to bring this back around full circle, guess who is the largest producer of arsenic in the world? Yep. China.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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