Hyppo and Critter: Bottom Top Charity
Critter don’t seek the limelight. Remember, he’s just a humble average department store worker.
But it can be a little hard to swallow when he sees Hyppo jaunting to and fro metropolises in his Learjet, drinking champaign, eating caviar, and getting hospital wings erected with his name embossed on the side.
Who’s the true hero here?
Source assumptions used for mathematical calculations:
- Hyppo, the CEO, earns 1,795 times more than average Critter. See: Bloomberg.com – CEO Pay 1,795-to-1 Multiple of Wages Skirts U.S. Law
- I didn’t invent the charitable giving rates used in this strip. See: NPR – As We Become Richer, Do We Become Stingier?
Disclaimer: This strip assumes that Hyppo and Crittter worked the same number of hours per year. In real life we all know that would be a heaping bunch o’ bullshit.
Shouts From The Abyss wins Hall of Fame
MEDIA RELEASE
Shouts From The Abyss blog selected to the Shouts From The Abyss Hall of Fame
By Tom B. Taker
November 6, 2013
Abyssia City, The Abyss – After nauseating audiences continually since September, 2009, the Shouts From The Abyss (SFTA) blog is the 2013 selection to the Shouts From The Abyss Hall of Fame. This is the first nomination for the blog. This is the inaugural year for the Hall of Fame itself.
The selection committee, consisting solely of blogger Tom B. Taker, cast the deciding ballot for SFTA. The vote was unanimous.
Blog publisher, Tom B. Taker, was visibility shaken upon hearing the news. “You love me,” he said to himself. “You really love me.”
In a short ceremony in an undisclosed office/bedroom, Taker appeared in his underwear to accept the award. He was accompanied by two cats, El Guapo Picard Tutankhamun Taker and Tilly Taker.
Initially Taker refused the award, stating repeatedly, “I didn’t do it” and referred to his policy that prohibits acceptance of anything imported from Nigeria. He eventually capitulated, though, and proudly accepted the traditional Golden Poop of the Abyss. He then angrily yelled “get out” bringing the festivities to a close. No legitimate media attended the event.
A spokesperson for the Hall of Fame selection committee later announced that the program is being disbanded. Taker will be given 14 days to surrender the award.
Contact
Tom B. Taker, Media Relations
C/O Shouts From The Abyss Hall of Fame
1212 Sewertown Rd. Ste. SQRT(-1)
Office: Food Cart
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Searching the dark recesses
The internet is pretty good at having information but not always so good at the sharing of it.
“Did you see that video? Thing You Did With A Banana? It was so funny!”
Nope. Never heard of it. Now I feel more left out and more like an outlier than ever before. Well played, internet.
You know what’s not well played? The video itself.
There I was, in my own living room, feeling all dejected because when it came to Thing You Did With A Banana I didn’t even qualify for a participant ribbon. Not only had I never seen it. I’d never even heard of it. Since this is how I measure my worth as a human being I was feeling sad and dejected.
Luckily we recently souped up our home entertainment system with a device that has YouTube built in. I decided to undertake a quest. I was going on a mission to search and destroy.
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Lassie Laphound
This is day three of The Dog Days of Summer, a Blogdramedy writing challenge. If you came here looking for quality content you are decidedly barking up the wrong tree. -Ed.
Lassie Laphound
by
Tom B. Taker
The face in the mirror was hers and yet… it wasn’t. Occasionally, in lucid moments, even she boggled at what she’d become. Fortunately for her those moments were increasingly rare.
She was suffering from the unintended consequences of too much life. Too much work done, her former beauty now permanently marred by narcissistic overindulgence. Too much partying. Too much alcohol. Too much mainlining catnip.
84 minutes in a kennel. A $2,500 collar.
Too much life.
A once promising future reduced to this.
It was time. Her fans were waiting.
She stepped out and the cheers and jeers of the gathered throng nipped at her bones.
“Lassie! Go home!” they yelled.
Blogdramedy’s The Dog Days of Summer writing challenge commands victims participants to author ten stories, ten days in a row, consisting of exactly 110 words each. All stores are themed based on dogs that she has pre-selected. For more information about the challenge and to view the work of other participants, please click the link. But only if you want stories that have real teeth.
A Snot Across The Bow
I’ve always had the ability to sniff out Danger. Let me tell you, it does not smell good. Why do things always have to end up like this?
My mission today is to discuss Weiner and address the elephant man in the room.
I’m going to be straight with you. I’m a dude, albeit a feminized one. So I asked myself, what’s the hubbub about this man all about? Something isn’t kosher!
When I look at the face of Anthony Weiner blood rushes away from my naughty bits and leaves me with a bit of a headache. His face actually causes shrinkage.
Am I missing something? Not to put too fine of a point on it, but the Weiner is completely unattractive. I ask myself, if I woke up in the morning and found him laying on my body, what would I do? I’m forced to admit I would chew off my own arm just to get away. Trust me on this, not many humans meet that standard.
“Weiner” and “wiener” are two different things. Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never mix them up.
–Tom B. Taker
We call it “fugly.”
Unattractive. Unbeautiful. Man Medusa. Unseemly. Repelling. Unsightly.
And yet…
So what is it? What’s the attraction? Does he have the heart of poet? A horny poet? Does he understand women to such a degree that it turns them on? Does he hot chat better than the author of 50 Shades of Grey?
Or is it merely the money? Power? Celebrity? Is it all about the unquenchable lust for 15 minutes of shame? Is this what we have come to? That life is the ultimate substitute for reality TV like the game of Survivor?
I don’t get it. Luckily I keep an airsickness bag handy for times like these.
Honey Boo Boo Impersonation Contest
The spawner of Honey Boo Boo.
Finally, this is your chance to win.
An opportunity like this comes along only every so often. Gobble it up while you still can.
It’s the Honey Boo Boo Impersonation Contest.
The idea is simple. Pick one of the following phrases, record your impersonation, and share it with us. Our select Panel of Judging will pick a lucky winner who will be showered with indeterminate prizes that may or may not exist.
I know it sounds too good to be true. But wait, there’s more. Oh my God, there’s always more. Hey, cameraman! Get a shot of that, will ya?
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