In Brevity: Some Enchanted iTunes Evening
It goes like this: “You give me money and I’ll give you ABC.”
Rarely, however, does ABC live up to the hype. Rarely is it even a dim shadow of what you were led to believe. This is the essence of the art of selling: Always Be Cheating.
Even better is when they say: “Give us money and we’ll give you something we can’t be bothered to define.” That’s when they cackle with glee. You don’t even get the false promises and lies.
Take iTunes for example.
A single gold star for me
The human race needed to survive so groups of individuals formed organizational units called “companies” that were then used to fuck everyone else. Viola! Stratification, and it was good.
Sure, not everyone survived or ended up better off but that was the whole point, wasn’t it?
Now a Virginia court has given companies just a bit more power. Yeah.
You’ve heard about Yelp? It’s one of the few places where disgruntled customers can strike back when they’ve been wronged.
The war between reviewers and companies is an old one. It turns out that businesses don’t like being criticized. In the old days reviewing was an actual profession and people were hired by newspapers to perform that function. In one case a food critic reported seeing an open can of beans in the kitchen in a restaurant that purported to only use fresh ingredients.
The restaurant flipped their lid.
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Lying About My Intellectual Dishonesty
Oh you humans, you amuse me so!
You might be tempted to to say, “Et tu, brute?” but not so fast! Don’t forget that I exercised my God-given right to opt-out of the human race several years ago. I am not one of you.
These days you creatures are merely a fascinating field of study. You do know how to hold my interest, though. Don’t forget that I specialize in negativity.
There are so many branches of human negativity to choose from but dishonesty holds a special place in my heart.
What is a lie? The dictionary says it’s an “intentionally false statement.” It’s like the opposite of truth.
Ex: Max eats the last cookie in the jar. His mother asks, “Did you eat the cookie.” Max says, “No.”
Let’s say Max has cookie crumbs on his hand, face, shirt, and there’s a trail of crumbs leading from him to the cookie jar. That’s where forensic science comes into play, but that’s another story.
“Looks like this suspect,” the detective says while dramatically removing his sunglasses, “is ready to … crumble.” AAAAAEEEEEIIIIIIIII!
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The Ingrate Pignorate
This was intended to be one of those oh so clever moments. I pumped the word “sales” into my thesaurus and was going to clutch in my dirty little fingers veritable proof that “sales” was synonymous with words like deceit, lie, fraud and what not.
Dammit. This thesaurus is defective. I never should have listened to that salesperson who told me it was unabridged.
One time I learned an important lesson about sales. I’ve told this story before but this time I’ll try to tell it shorter and better.
I worked for a big company. They needed to modernize an entire department. The estimated cost of the project, in 1995 dollars, was $25 million. To put that into perspective, later I ended up living in a small town that considered adding a much needed new bridge across a small river at a cost of $15 million in 2004 dollars. So yeah, the project was pretty big.
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Save The Future Date
The year is 2008. You’ve just joined the ranks of hardy souls dotted across the great American fruited plain who are known as entrepreneurs. You go out buy a van for your youngling business and emblazon your stupid company name in colorful graphics on the side. And then, because you want to project an image of stability, you add a little something extra.
“Since 1963.”
Not bad. You’re only lying by 45 years. That’s especially impressive since you haven’t even lived on the planet that long. You don’t need to tell the truth. You’re a small business owner! Actual patience and hard work is for idiots. You earn your money the new-fashioned way.
If you’re going to lie, why play small ball? Go so big and audacious that it’ll never occur to anyone to question the lie. It’s like you’re Darth Vader, your company is the Empire, and the lie is your own personal Death Star. “We’ll blow your wallet up.”
By the way, this is exactly one of the plot points in the movie Sunshine Cleaning. Look it up. I never forget a lie.
In fact, I was so taken by that lie, I decided to get in on that action myself. Check it out.
We are proud to introduce…
Abyss Inc., Corporation, LLC
Since 2042“Home of the World’s Best Guru.”
You can trust us. We’re only hiding behind at least three different forms of legal constructs. And a handshake.
Oh, shit. I might be doing it wrong. I guess if one is going to lie about the year one should understand the nature of the timeline. Maybe I should have tried 2013. B.C. Before Corporations. The B.C. could be in the fine print. A font size of -12 picas should do it.
Next up: Advertising. And I intend to ape the very, very best. Fast food.
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Honestly I Do
I was out surfing the blogs recently when I caught a real gnarly set:
“If there is anything this blogging journey has taught me, it is to be honest. Not only honest in my life, but honest in my writing as well.” –“Slaying the dragon” from POLYSYLLABIC PROFUNDITIES
Dammit. I’ve been pondering those words ever since. Why did you have to go and make me think? Continue reading →
Where Farce Won?
Am I the only person in America who noticed something odd about the first presidential debate?
Fasten your seat-belts, ensure your trays and seats are fully upright, and, of course, assume the position. Please turn off all electronic devices including the one you are using to read these very words. This post is about to take-off.
JET!
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Shouts from the Abyss 
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