Tag Archives: fairy

Expert Failure

An innocent passerby victimized by "expert failure."

An innocent passerby victimized by “expert failure.”

What do you call it when the people who are supposed to save the day, the so-called “experts,” fail to perform when the chips are down? There has got to be a terminology for that. For now, I’m going to go with the phrase “expert failure” or EF.

Example: “Yup. Things certainly went to shit. They EF’d up.”

In the excellent book Jurassic Park the character Ian Malcolm, a mathematician specializing in “chaos theory,” correctly predicts the failed hubris of the undertaking. (Also in the book the character John Hammond, the visionary, is ironically eaten by his creations. That tasty tidbit didn’t make it into the movie.) The genius of Michael Crichton’s book has nothing to do with dinosaurs. As Wikipedia puts it, the story is a “metaphor of collapse.”

Expert failure works like this:

  • Only we are brilliant enough to design and breed dinosaurs. You are not brilliant by a long shot. Oops. The dinosaurs got out. Bad shit happens. Our bad.
  • A virus enters the country. The hospitals and specialists we depend on for our very lives fail to follow basic protocols. (In unrelated news, studies have shown that 10 to 80 percent of ICU doctors fail to engage in sanitary hand washing as directed. Because, of course, they know better.)
  • A politician says, “Doing ABC will lead to XYZ.” When that doesn’t happen, he adds, “Obviously we need a lot more of ABC. We have to give my policies a chance to work.”
  • Your financial consultant advises you to invest heavily in Guru Of Negativity (ticker: GON) holdings and you lose your shirt.
  • A baseball teams spends $50 million on a single player (cutting other players from the team to make this possible). Later, in game seven of the World Series, bottom of ninth, two outs, full count, bases loaded, trailing by one run the fellow whiffs flailingly at three straight pitches in the dirt and strikes out.

That last example is my personal favorite because I could have easily matched that performance for at least half price. Show me the money!

What else have experts gotten wrong? FEMA? Vietnam? The financial crisis? Mortgage-backed securities? Bridges? Stampedes at religious gatherings? Platforms at state fairs? Fires in disco clubs? Interfering in the civil wars of other countries?

The list is long and distinguished.

So now we look to experts to clean up the messes that were created by the same and/or previous experts. I’m no expert but I say that sucks. When you’re stuck on your the tippy-top of your roof and the water is lapping at your toes, just remember this: There is no expert correction fairy who will swoop in and save your bacon.

Ultimately, no matter what the experts would like you to believe, you’re on your own.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to change into my baseball uniform. You can depend on me.

Things fall apart. The center does not hold. –Yeats

 

Taxing FIRS

taxesFIRS = F-word of your choice + IRS.

Are you enjoying national tax day? Are your taxes done? Or have you committed a boo boo?

The local news has been reporting the scam for months. Clever identity thieves somehow are able to take a minimal piece of information, like a social security number, and use it to abramoff with someone else’s tax refund.

The most unbelievable part is that they are somehow able to get around the world famous tight security at the IRS.

There’s one for you, nineteen for me.
–The Beatles, Taxman

Ah. A story problem. Math will elucidate the tax bracket faced by the The Beatles. 1 + 19 = 20. So the tax rate (the 19 for the taxman) is 19/20. My calculator tells me that equals .95 aka 95 percent. Yes, The Beatles were in the 95 percent tax bracket. Says Wikipedia, “As their earnings placed them in the top tax bracket in the United Kingdom, the Beatles were liable to a 95% supertax introduced by Harold Wilson’s Labour government.”

Hearing about this scam over and over again, and how it apparently worked, I began to formulate my plan. I was going to steal the Declaration of Independence file for Mitt Romney’s tax refund. With that I’d finally have enough money to retire, move to a beach on Zihuatanejo and hang out with Andy Dufresne and Ellis “Red” Redding.

All I had to do was get my hands on Mitt Romney’s W-2 forms. Dammit, foiled again!

Like I tried to teach my son when he was younger, there is no $20 dollar bill fairy. If you lose your money, there is no force in the universe that will say, “Tell me all about it. Here, allow me to give you some more.” It just don’t work that way. What’s gone is always gone and it always stays that way. So don’t lose that $20 dollar bill.

Meanwhile, though, apparently the IRS is in the habit of giving refunds to the wrong people. The bad people. And that got me to wondering. Is there a tax fairy?

Think of it this way: Let’s say I owe you $20. Then, for whatever reason, I give your money to Bob. Does this mean I no longer owe you a debt? I doubt you’d agree. You likely say, “I don’t care who you did what to for how many cookies. I want my $20. Guido here is about to offer some encouragement to your kneecaps.”

The simple point I’m trying to make is that the IRS being fooled by criminals should not alleviate their responsibility to give people their own money back. So you gave the money to Bob? Boo freakin’ hoo.

If not, then I suggest a new tax form. Let’s call it the 7734-PROX-EZ.

  • Line 1: Amount of tax you owe.
  • Line 2: Amount of money you gave Bob. (Enter amount of line 1.)
  • Line 3: Amount you own the IRS: (Subtract Line 1 from Line 2.)
  • Line 4: Sign full name to indicate your tax burden this year is a mulligan.

If the IRS isn’t being a tax fairy for the victims of crime then I’m sure they’ll understand.

Last, but not least, one other simple concept:

  • The guy who threw a rock and smashed your window to bits? He owns the glass store.
  • The guy who slashed the whitewalls on your car? He owns the tire store.
  • The people who make computer viruses? The makers of your favorite anti-virus software.
  • The company that makes tax filing software? They vigorously oppose efforts to make filing taxes simpler.

This is all, of course, predicted by GUNT, my Grand Unification Negativity Theory for everything.

In case that last bullet point is somehow unclear, let me say this:

TurboTax Maker Linked To Fight Against ‘Return-Free’ Tax System
Source: NPR

It looks like there is a tax fairy after all. He just works a bit differently (more sinister and evil) than even I expected. And his name is TurboTax. I try to be negative but sometimes even I can be schooled.

Well played, TurboTax.

Look into my eye and smile

bionic woman eyeIn honor of SOPA protests today, I thought about protesting myself, but bloody hell. Why should I be the one doing you guys all of the favors? So I decided to go ahead and post so you can also suffer right along with me. (This post was written on SOPA protest day. -Ed.)

When that freak little magical being showed up and offered to grant me one wish, I did what anyone would do. I became suspicious and kicked him in the nards. No one can really grant wishes, right? So he/she/it must have been a liar.

In the past, I always stated with supreme confidence that if I was granted one wish it would be the ability to read the thoughts of other people. I always followed that up with a bold prediction: With that particular power, and within 30 days, I would become Supreme Ruler and Potentate of the Taker Planet. (Earth would be renamed by my decree.)

Yes, that power would make me just that invincible.

Sure, invisibility is always a strong contender for the one wish thingy, but in the end, I’m a heavy breather and I think it would be a waste of a power. Besides, what can you really hope to gain from watching strangers have lots of sex?

Recently, though, a new idea has been brewing. Just in case I ever get offered a wish, I need to be prepared, so I give this a lot of thought. If and when the time comes you need to be ready.
Continue reading →

2010 in review courtesy of the WordPress fairy

My inbox was visited this morning by the WordPress fairy who brought the following bits of good news. As far as I know, I’ve never once in my entire life been rated as “wow,” so that feels pretty good. I can’t help but wonder if everyone got that same rating, though. If so, then this merely represents yet another “participant” ribbon to add to my already impressive collection. –Tom

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meterâ„¢ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

About 3 million people visit the Taj Mahal every year. This blog was viewed about 29,000 times in 2010. If it were the Taj Mahal, it would take about 4 days for that many people to see it.

In 2010, there were 516 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 694 posts. There were 489 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 19mb. That’s about 1 pictures per day.

The busiest day of the year was September 9th with 4,115 views. The most popular post that day was The Tuesday employee whiteboard.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were reddit.com, WordPress Dashboard, wordpress.com, google.com, and melcarroll.blogspot.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for angry songs, misery motorsports, sideways 2, top angry songs, and best angry songs.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

The Tuesday employee whiteboard September 2010
11 comments and 1 Like on WordPress.com

2

My list of top five angry songs January 2010
8 comments

3

A crash and a mob August 2010
20 comments and 1 Like on WordPress.com

4

Sideways 2 – Merlot Strikes Back May 2010
6 comments

5

Ancestry.com can eat my ass March 2010
10 comments