Tag Archives: evolution

The Evolution Of Man #graphic

evolution-of-man

Grand Unification Theory of Reproduction

Four out of five doctors recommend removing that leach from your neck. You're supposed to apply them outside the body. That's our key action point of the day.

Four out of five doctors recommend removing that leech from your neck. You’re supposed to apply them outside the body. That’s our key action point of the day.

I stylishly removed my fedora and flung it like a frisbee. No phone booths were to be found. I was about to write something for the Daily Diatribe, a major metropolitan daily in the uber city of Grabham. And I was their intrepid reporter.

Yeah, it was something like that when I had my latest epiphany.

We all know parents are the worst people to have children. But why?

The idea came to me when watching the birth of a little baby deer. Plop! It landed on the ground. Gross. But in a few minutes it struggled to it’s feet. It was already walking!

A few more minutes and it was able to prance. And, by the very next day, it was able to beat an average University of Portland student at ping pong. But what did this mean? (Besides the fact that UP students can’t play ping pong for shit.)

Oh, yeah. Now I remember. Human babies are slow at survival and being able to fend for themselves. Our species may be the most intelligent (heh!) on this planet but it comes at a very high cost. We all start as utterly helpless lifeforms.

And therein lies the rub.

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Comic: Messages From Heaven

st-peter

They Talk Among Us

they-walk-among-usI thought maybe I had shared this story before but the search function says otherwise. So here goes.

There I was, a young pre-guru lad, still in my sensitive formative years, sitting on grandma’s porch out on the Taker homestead. Aw, shucks, I may even have been chewing on some amber stalks of grain.

The neighbor came over and started talking to my grandma. I was just a youngin’ so I didn’t pay no mind to their adult conversation.

Until… suddenly, the neighbor just dropped the N-word!

I sucked in my breath. Holy shit, I thought, someone is in for it now. I got the hell out of Dodge to make way for the can of whoop ass I knew my grandma was about to open.

Except… that didn’t happened. Grandma didn’t use the word herself, but she as hell didn’t kick that fucker in the nards, either. In fact, she acted like nothing happened at all.

Although I was young, I’ve never forgotten that moment. It is still vivid in my mind. I learned an important lesson that day. I guess it’s hard to forget certain moments frozen in time like when you got your heart broke. It was all part of my Intro 101 to this planet, I guess.

Fast-forward to present day where I’m, obviously, a seasoned traveler and enlightened guru in this game called life. Shit like that no longer surprises me.

What the fuck? Cliven Bundy just said what? Double dribble? Come again? The owner of an NBA basketball team just said what?

I guess I’m not as enlightened as I thought. I still can be surprised.

And, like always, this got me to thinking…
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Societal Nuts

swattingThe news is abuzz with a story about “swatting.”

What is swatting? I figured it had something to do with flies or, perhaps, it was a new street lingo euphemism for something disgusting (sexual) done in bed. I was wrong on both counts. Like everything important in life, Wikipedia provides illumination:

Swatting is the tricking of any emergency service (via such as a 9-1-1 dispatcher) into dispatching an emergency response based on the false report of an on-going critical incident.

Source: Wikipedia – Swatting

A particularly nasty version of swatting is when you hoax the police into sending a SWAT (Special Weapons And Tactics) response to the home of your sworn enemy and kicking in their door, possibly shooting them while they reach for their salad fork and generally ruining their day. This is the sort of thing kids consider to be trendy these days.
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Heisenberg Crosswalks

crosswalkI’ve written about pedestrians before. I don’t mean to be pedantic but I’m driven to hammer my point home.

To me, there’s very little “uncertainty” about crosswalks.

You clearly don’t know who you’re driving over, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger, Skywalker. I am the danger. A guy puts the pedal to the metal and someone gets plowed and you think that of me? No. I am the one who stalks!

–Heisenberg Crosswalk, Braking Bad

In the local news of late there has been a lot of discussion about “dangerous crosswalks.” That got me thinking. What is it about the crosswalk itself that makes it dangerous?

The fact that it exists? That it leaps out and surprises pedestrians? That it has a concealed carry permit? That it lulls pedestrians to sleep with a false sense of security? “Come to me,” it whispers in the wind. “Tread upon me. I will protect you. I will keep you safe. You can trust me.”

Liar!
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The Evolution of Tweet

Jerry Jones guano

Evolving a tweet.

I thought it might be an interesting diversion to show you the creative process. The author stuff that goes on behind the curtain. This is also known as “I got nothing.”

For today we’ll consider the creation of a tweet, an art form limited to 140 characters or less.

The process begins with the humble germination of an idea. There’s nothing quite like that flash of inspiration that goes off like the proverbial lightbulb over one’s head. It may even be prompted by physical stimuli, such as something cold and squishy between one’s toes. Whatever it takes because the tweet is the thing!
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