Everyone Loves A Charade
So I went to a parade the other day. I was curious to re-experience the phenomenon since it had been quite some time. The last time I saw a parade was from within as a member of the high school’s marching band playing my trombone.
Yeah, it’s really been that long. I avoid public events religiously. I recently lived ten years in a small town. During that time I successfully avoided all the parades, county fairs, classic car shows and even the yearly carnivals festively known to the locals as “dirt bowls.” I’m a hardcore avoider and parade dodger.
The parade started with the police and fire departments showing off their rides. Meh. I grudgingly gave them a pass since this is apparently the traditional way to start a parade. I fleetingly wondered how much it was costing me.
Then came some beauty queens riding in the back of convertibles. Meh. Mildy amoosing.
This was followed by the “citizen of the year” aka a person I don’t know in car.
At last, the grand marshal. A person in a car. I was starting to swoon from … too … much … excitement. Suddenly I realized I could have been back at home watching Star Trek: The Animated Series on Netflix.
In case you missed it, the theme of the parade was “Undying Love For The Internal Combustion Engine.”
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Monday Morning Improv: Undesirable Pilot Litter
Today’s post is brought to you by the Universe (or, as I like to call it, the random number generator). I asked for three random words and was given, in this order: Undesirable, pilot, litter. Yes, this post will be about the undesirable kind. Not the kinder, gentler desirable litter. Now, if you’ll fasten your seat belts this post is about to take off. -Ed.
Undesirable Pilot Litter
by Tom B. Taker
Uneasily I took my seat. At least it was by the window. I wasn’t feeling so good. Flying always makes me nervous and this was my first time in an airplane in a long, long time. It had been so long I literally couldn’t remember when I’d last flown. Perhaps that business trip back when I’d been somebody? Certainly it was before the events of 9/11. I’d never been through TSA security before.
When did airport security start reaching into people’s pants, and what did they hope to find in my underwear? Just because I was ticklish I had to remove my shirt? That was not very pleasant. Sure I cried and yelled, “Stop touching me,” but that only seemed to egg them on.
No sense crying over spilled milk I said to myself. I might as well try to make the best of it. I adjusted in my seat and tried in vain to feel comfortable where the pee dribbles had gone down my leg. The warmth had quickly given way and was now ice cold. Breathe in, breathe out. Relax, dammit.
I heard rather than felt the deep rumbling from my gut. Anxiously I jammed the button for the flight attendant. “Where are the air sick bags?” Surprisingly I was able to get the words out. Things were finally going my way.
The contents of my stomach also came out before she had time to answer. Too late. Moments later I was provided with a garbage bag and towels. The groping would not continue. This time I was on my own.
Drenched in sweat, pee and my own juices, I finally decided to try to occupy my mind. Magazines? Gack, no! They suck. In a desperation move I turned my head and looked out the tiny little smudgy window.
Bowels. Void.
My finger repeatedly jammed the attendent button until she reappeared. She did not look happy. “Sir! Listen to me,” she said sternly. “I have duties. You cannot keep monopolizing my time. Strange as it may seem, you are not the only passenger on this plane.”
I gestured out the window. Reluctantly she looked. The reaction in her eyes was priceless. Suddenly everything was okay.
A crash and a mob
Come to think of it, this is The Most Fabulous Object in the World.
I turned on my computer this morning and the top news item on my home page was about a horrible crash that killed 8 people and hurt 12 more.
A witness said the crash scattered “bodies everywhere.” After the vehicle went airborne it landed on spectators. Bystanders rushed in to help those pinned by the vehicle.
The race is called the California 200 and takes place near Bessemer Mine Road at Soggy Dry Lake in Lucerne Valley, CA. The course length is 50 miles.
The driver, who as far as I can tell hasn’t been identified yet, lost control of his vehicle and reportedly went airborne before going off the course and rolling over spectators who were located approx. 10 feet from the course. There was reportedly no safety barrier.
According to the Associated Press, “[a witness] said that the driver, who wasn’t named, was forced to run from the scene when the crowd grew unruly and some began throwing rocks at him. It was not clear why he lost control of the truck.”
I haven’t been able to find the name of the driver in news reports. However, a photograph in the LA Times clearly shows the wording “Misery Motorsports” on the upside-down vehicle. I did some checking and found a MySpace page for Misery Motorsports that contains the name “Brett Sloppy,” who is listed as a 28-year-old male. A Bretty Sloppy was a registered race participant in the “1500 Class” per the MDR Racing web site.
Note: I’m not claiming to know the name of the driver. This is just some information that I found.
The main reason I take an interest in this horrible story is the human behavior that took place after the crash. As far as I can tell there is no indication this was anything other than a very unfortunate accident. Yet some in the crowd apparently were angry and something like a mob mentality set in. I wasn’t there, but it seems as if while some persons were in need of urgent medical attention, others were directing their energies against the driver by throwing rocks.
I also don’t understand our obsessive adoration for vehicle races powered by the internal combustion engine. In our society there is little worshiped more than the all-powerful internal combustion engine. Perhaps it even outranks television and cell phones. As far as “sports” go I’ve never understood the attraction of watching internal combustion engines go round and round in circles, but hey, that’s just me.
Since I’ve never attended an internal combustion engine “sporting” festival, I don’t understand things like: Why do spectators have to be so close to observe the event? It seems to me that it would be wise to calculate the “danger area” where accidents could conceivably happen and keep observers out of that area. I can’t see a valid reason to have spectators in that danger area. Perhaps it is the thrill of danger? If so, the seeking of danger does not magically eliminate the actual risk.
Thinking about it, I can recall incidents where vehicles (like cars and boats) have flown off race courses and injured people before.
It all seems pretty crazy to me.
UPDATE: This text was recently posted on Brett Sloppy’s Facebook page. “Soo incredibly lost and devistated my thoughts and prayers go out to all the familys and friends involved.. Thank you too all my friends for sticking with me even thru these tragic times I love you all.”
Google helps with important societal questions
Today’s happenstance discovery on Google is a good one. Ready for a science experiment, boys and girls? Let’s go!
For this experiment you will need:
* Computer
* Web browser
* Internet connection
* Rubber gloves
Fire up your favorite web browser and go to http://www.google.com. You need to be on the actual home page for this because you want Google’s “auto-complete” feature to be active.
In the search box type this:
can i
If you have followed the parameters of this experiment correctly, you’ll see that “can i get pregnant from a dog” is the #2 most popular suggestion in Google for the partially completed phrase “can i.”
Wow. Google really does help answer the important societal questions of the day. Now that I think about it, my public school education sucked. I mean, not once did my sexual education class ever cover the topic of human/dog interspecies impregnation issues. I knew they left some shit out! I knew it!
Just because I’m in an especially good mood, here is a bonus phrase. I’ll leave it up to you to discover where it leads. Remember to record your findings in your scientific journals now, students!
why does my
Can you find the secret societal phrase hidden in that list?
Google does the nasty
In its quest to be more like Bing, the search engine Google enabled background images on their home page today.
Yuck.
By the time I noticed, the brouhaha was already over. I guess by the time I got there the default of showing an image had already been changed to “by request” and the old white page was back. (Look for the new link in the lower-left corner of the page.)
Curious, I went and tried one for myself. I tried one of the “Editor’s Picks.”
That’s a nice looking… wait a minute! What the hell is that?
Does anyone else see what I see in this image??? Perverts! 🙂
Shouts from the Abyss 
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