Tiger is the master … of understatement
Tiger gives us his O-Face
On Feb. 19, 2010, Tiger Woods issued his apology.
One thing he said during his statement was, “The issue here is that I cheated.” Gee. Ya think? That’s like saying Charles Manson was a good personal motivator. Heck, when you put it that way it hardly even sounds like you did anything wrong.
Like a Tootsie Pop, the world may never really know how many licks it took Tiger to get to the center. Umm, wait. Strike that. The world may never know how many women Tiger frolicked with while he was married. Saying, “I cheated,” doesn’t even remotely feel like it approachs the severity of what he did.
I ran Tiger’s statement through the pubic relations (PR) translator. This is what I came up with:
Good morning. I got caught. If I hadn’t got caught I wouldn’t be here. But I did get caught. So now I’m forced to stop for a while, stand here, and pretend to apologize.
Some of you feel like I let you down but this is none of your damn business. I’ve done a lot of great work for kids. I am great. But even though I’m great I have now realized that even someone like me can still get caught. So I will work harder at covering my tracks. I am a Master so this should be easy for me. Money and fame means normal rules don’t apply to me. Now that I think about it, Buddhism sounds like a great way to help hide my behavior and cause distraction in the future.
I know I’m here to apologize, but no apology is complete without a discussion about my playing status. In this situation I’m forced to keep up appearances by taking a break from golf for a while. One day, though, I’ll be back. I’m not ruling out a return to golf this year, because if there is one thing I know at this early juncture, whether I’m “cured” or not, I’ll be playing some more golf no matter what.
To everyone who has stood by me during this difficult time, thank you. I couldn’t have gotten away with this as long as I did without your tacit complicity, assistance and silence. Thank you. I’m sure I speak for my wife as well when I say thank you for your help.
Thank you, PR translator!
And thanks to Tiger, we now have the media paying a lot of attention to “sexual addiction.” Sadly, even as much as the thought of this condition excites us, it hasn’t even qualified as a condition in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), current edition (DSM-IV-TR aka DSM5 released 2000).
You can bet your bippy that “sexual addiction” or “hypersexuality” will be in the next version of the DSM, perhaps with a picture of Tiger showing his O-Face. When you pick up your copy of the DSM6 be sure to turn to that new entry and remember you heard it here first!
I recently read one article that summed up “sexual addiction” like this:
One fact that stood out in the article is just how many people are impacted by sex addiction. The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity estimates that as many as 18 to 24 million people are sex addicts. This means that another several million are co-sex addicts (commonly known as “cosas”) and suffering perhaps more than the addict himself from the downward spiral of the disease.
In other recent tigerrific news, Gatorade (a subsidiary of PepsiCo.) has broken off sponsorship of Tiger Woods. Woot!
You gotta hand it to Nike, however. Their support for Tiger has never wavered. Apparently the company shares similar family values as Tiger so they don’t see a problem. It must be a match made in heaven. Perhaps they will even update their famous slogan: Just Screw It. Other companies that have also failed to end sponsorships of Tiger include Upper Deck Co. (maker of sports memorabilia) and videogame maker Electronic Arts, which has built a golf game franchise around the persona of Tiger Woods.
Now grab a cold one – Gatorade, of course – and join me for a rendition of “All Apologies” by Nirvana. Tiger, this Gatorade’s for you!
Tiger says RAWR!!!
Here we see Tiger trying desperately to keep Mr. Winky in his pants. EPIC FAIL!
Time for a Tiger Woods update. It’s been far too long.
Let’s start with Nike. Oh Nike. The company is not exactly a paragon of virtue, so it is not too surprising that they’ve decided to stand by their man. Nike terms the Woods controversy a “minor blip.” Apparently Nike’s advise to Woods all along has been “just do it.” Said Nike Chairman Phil Knight:
“One of the things we always try to do when we have a big endorsement is check out the character and the pattern of the individual. Obviously, [Woods] was one we checked out and he came out clean, and I think he’s been really great. When his career is over, you’ll look back on these indiscretions as a minor blip.”
I ran this statement through the translation matrix. Output: “This fucker has made us some serious scrilla, yo!”
Congratulations, Nike. You have earned boycott status from this particular married man. Morals do matter, at least sometimes. If only you knew that.
Tiger shows us his world famous "O" Face!
You can also continue to count Electronic Arts among the Woods faithful.
“Our strong relationship with Tiger for more than a decade remains unchanged. We respect Tiger’s privacy, we wish him a fast recovery and we look forward to seeing him back on the golf course.”
Upcoming releases of Electronic Arts’ Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09 will focus less on the actual game of golf and more on the hidden world of golf. It is said to be a first person “shooter” with many elements of Grand Theft Auto added, especially the prostitutes. Players will be able to “unlock” secrets of Woods’ life include his world famous “O” Face.
Gillette just wanted Tiger to have the “best a man can get.” If you’ve heard that Gillette is dumping Woods, don’t be fooled. The truth isn’t quite as black and white. Gillette is a Woods sponsor. They are taking a higher road than Nike by “distancing” themselves from Woods. I’m just not so sure how much higher that road will turn out to be. Woods is featured in a campaign called “Champions” which started in 2007. The campaign also features Derek Jeter, Roger Federer, and Thierry Henry. Gillette also plans to being featuring more of Matt Ryan.
According to Boston.com:
Although the company will no longer run spots that exclusively feature Woods, Gillette said it will continue its “Champions’’ campaign, which began in 2007.
…
Gillette said Saturday that it would limit Woods’s advertising presence.
Limiting his presence? That doesn’t sound exactly like a termination of the relationship. Sounds more like they are hedging their bets and playing the wait and see game. Maybe, just maybe, Woods will be back in bed with Gillette in the future. We’ll have to wait and see. In the meantime, is that enough for Gillette to keep my business and earn my respect? Meh.
Another company associated with Woods is Accenture PLC. I’ve never heard of them but their web site says this: “Accenture is a global management consulting, technology services and outsourcing company.” Sounds a lot like the stodgy world of high finance, so it is not too surprising they have dropped Woods completely:
“After careful consideration and analysis, the company has determined that he is no longer the right representative for its advertising,” Accenture said in a statement on Sunday.
Good for you, Accenture PLC.
Who wants to drink some Tiger? Yumz!
With Gatorade, it is being widely reported that the decision to drop something called “Gatorade Tiger Focus” days before the Woods scandal broke. It is just me or is it possible this just might have been more than a lucky marketing decision. Maybe they already KNEW!
Tag Heuer previously said they’d stand by Woods because it was “not our business” but now say they are taking some time to reassess their stance. I’m unclear now what is the status of the world’s first “professional golf watch.”
AT&T says it will “reevaluate” their relationship with Woods. Meanwhile they’ve stopped running ads with Woods but have yet to cancel him from their annual AT&T National at Congressional Country Club event that takes place every July 4th weekend.
Lastly I’d like to send out extra special shouts to anyone and everyone who aided and abetted Tiger on his spree o’ sexuality. I previously wrote that Tiger reportedly wasn’t a fan of the condom. Newer gossip adds that he liked his sex “wild” and had a penchant for threesomes. To all of the hoors who knowingly hooked up with a married man and to all of the other enablers and secret keepers who profited from his behavior, I hope you all rot in hell. You are scum. Tiger didn’t do this alone. He had help.
Tiger says, “They’re great!”
Eeek! A condom!
Sorry, I just can’t help myself. It’s time for another Tiger post. Already??? Sorry, yeah.
I’m worried about The Tiger. I mean, what will he do to make a living if his endorsements get dumped? I’m worried about him going hungry. And his wife no doubt will lay claim to some of his fortune. They were married in 2004 and the initial prenuptial agreement was worth $20 million after 10 years of marriage. I’m sure all bets are off on that by now, though.
So what will he do if Nike, Gatorade, Gillette and Electronic Arts no longer want any part of the Tiger Woods image? Here are some of my ideas:
Condoms – My advice to Tiger: Strike now while the iron is hot. Pick a brand, any brand, and tee off a new television campaign.
Red Bull – This one seems like a no-brainer to me. If I was an executive at Red Bull, right about now I’d be saying, “We be gots to gettin’ us some Tiger. He must already be drinking our stuff. I mean, just look at him go!” The campaign practically writes itself, too. “Red Bull gives you swings!”
Viagra – Another no brainer. If he’s already on it, then it’s a match made in heaven. If he’s not, it can only bring a whole new level to his game. Either way it’s time for “Smiling Bob” to take a hike.
Female Viagra – What the? Is Tiger even attractive? I certainly don’t think so.So what is it about the man that makes him someone the women so desperately want to bag? Oh yeah, he’s on TV a lot and he’s rich. That’s about all it takes, right? Of course, it is kind of hard to be sponsored by money itself. Perhaps Money magazine?
Can you come up with any other sponsorship ideas of your own for Tiger? We may be the only chance he’s got!
Hold That Tiger!
The subject line for this post is an obscure reference to Preston Tucker, the man who brought the world the 1948 Tucker Sedan. Which, ironically, was also known as the Tucker Torpedo. I think that fits for yet another Tiger post. 🙂
Here are some of the latest and last minute updates for the Tiger Woods Scandal:
The number of women claiming affairs with Tiger is now being reported at 10 including a porn star and a “mysterious sex-addicted cougar.”
Tiger’s wife moves out? Radar Online.com lead with the story “Elin Nordegren moves out” that was confirmed by the Chicago Sun Times.
Tuesday morning a “nice-looking blond woman” was rushed from Tiger’s house and taken to the hospital.
It is being reported that Tiger wasn’t a big fan of the condom, didn’t use protection and didn’t ask if at least one of his lovers was on birth control. If true, that kicks his behavior up to a whole new level of douchebaggery for risking the health of his wife.
As far as I know, Nike continues to stand by their man. “Nike, Gatorade, Gillette and Electronic Arts told ABC News Wednesday that they will continue their relationship with Woods. Nike and Gatorade issued statements Wednesday in support of Woods and his family.” Granted, that piece of news is now six days old. Still, I imagine Nike will soon finally let go of their little Tiger gettin’ tail.
Crazy stuff!
Shouts from the Abyss 
Recent Comments