Flat Earths and Lack of Mirths
There’s so much fake news of late, some folks have been moved to quip, “Maybe the Earth ain’t round after all. Maybe it’s flat.”
So I felt compelled to add my two cents of circular logic.
One World Border
Coming up with simplistic solutions that solve the world’s problems and really work is kind of my thing. It’s what I do.
Today’s idea is a simple one:
Make all international borders 25,000 miles wide.
This idea can also be represented by a phrase. I like to call it “One World Border.”
What is a border? It’s an arbitrary construct of the human mind. Often based on topographical features like a river or coastline. Well, why not the shape of Earth? That makes a nice topographical feature, too. Since borders live in our imagination we can pretty much do whatever we want with them, if we decide to agree.
How might this work? Think about the United States. It’s a pretty big place yet citizens enjoy the right to travel to any of its 50+ territories without restriction or cumbersome papers. And all citizens, regardless of where they live, are equal in the sense that they share the same basic rights. (Weirdness with so-called “state’s rights” notwithstanding.)
What if the whole world worked like this?
Easy to say. But how to get there? Luckily I planned ahead and brought a map.
Continue reading →
Breaking News: Winter is cold!
Really? Flip flops? Really?
Come what may.
This just in: The Earth’s tilt (or spin axis, if you will) is still 23.5 degrees. Ooooh, yikes. That’s a mite chilly, mate. 23 freaking degrees?!? Are we talking fahrenheit or celsius? Either way, that’s colder than [insert your own obscene colloquialism here] in a pickle jar!
That’s pretty damn cold.
Weather segments on the local news have always been a bit extreme, full of histrionics and hyperbole. ZOMG, tomorrow there’s going to be wet, sun, fog, humidity, wind, mist, hail, and, worst of all, clouds. No shit? Really? Ya think?
Tell you what? If you can successfully predict before it happens when lizards will fall out of the sky, wake me up. Okay? Until then? Shut your fucking omen hole.
Continue reading →
The Universe watches
Somewhere in the Mutara nebula…
An entity that was/is/will be known as Wuleghu phased into what humans might call existence across the infinite reaches of the space time continuum.
Simultaneously, everywhere else, an incorporeal form comprised of pure energy and consciousness was doing exactly the same thing. This being was known by the name of Otomib.
Each was aware of the other. It was the now of The Meeting of the Universe. Although they existed across all space and time, for the purpose of limited understanding by primitive human brains, you can describe The Meeting as taking place in a construct known as a Control Room, if it brings you comfort to think of it so. A plaque on the door read, “Universe Control Room #2.”
Over a trillion Earth years ago, Wuleghu had created a mote of energy in preparation for the moment. That energy manifested itself in the form of an opening to a conversation.
“Good morning, Otomib.”
The construct of an Earth day is used here to help with understanding.
“Greetings, Wuleghu.”
The Meeting had begun.
“How are you?” asked Wuleghu.
“Meh. I’ve been better.”
Wuleghu shrugged and somewhere by his big toe a black hole was created.
“We better get started,” it said. “Is The Report ready?”
Otomib nodded, causing a star to go supernova and spiral into Wuleghu’s black hole, and handed over The Report.
“Let’s get this business over with,” Wuleghu said as he began to read from The Report.
GALAXY: Milky Way
SYSTEM: Sol
LOCATION: Third Orbital named “Earth”
GEOGRAPHY: Northern hemisphere, continent named “North America”
Wuleghu grunted in disgust. “Earth? Really?”
“It happens sometimes,” said Otomib, cleverly and knowingly employing a variation on a shit joke.
Wuleghu continued to read.
SPECIES: Human
LIFE FORM DESIGNATION: Tom B. Taker
“Good God,” said Wuleghu. “What have we done to deserve this?”
“It comes with the job. It’s best to get this done then we can move on to something else.”
“Well, I’m skipping ahead to the summary.”
Subject is mostly harmless. Has been employed all of his life since age 16. Obeys the law. Arrests: 1. Convictions: 0. Does not dissemble on taxes. Ethical, moral, and tries to live by the Golden Rule. Does not cause pain.
Universe gifts bestowed: None.
Status: Low income, no access to health care, various ailments including destroyed spine, stabbing pain in heart, and psychosomatic vision problems. Null values in power, influence, and desirability schema.
Attitude: Negative.
Energy condition: Nominal but failing. Termination eminent.
Wuleghu tossed The Report aside. “That’s enough, dammit. I’m ready. You?”
“Ready.”
“We now render The Recommendation.”
“Let’s do it.”
A knowing look was exchanged. They both nodded. An understanding was shared and grokked. Otomib took the report and, using a rubber stamp, embossed upon The Decision of The Meeting.
Freshly adorned with the text – MAINTAIN/NO CHANGE – Otomib shoved The Report down The Slot where it would wait for eternity to never be reviewed again.
Bonus image: Wanna feel small?
Shouts to the Alien Names generator for the proper names of the protagonists used in this post.
A cry for help
Did you hear the one ... ?
When it comes to social media I guess you could say I act just like my real life self: Socially awkward.
I don’t have that many followers on my Twitter. Currently I’m at an all-time high with 68. And a lot of those are people who describe themselves as “founders” of consulting companies, entrepreneurs, and social media experts. In other words, people who will follow practically anyone (self-evident, I know!) and don’t actually know a damn thing about me.
Thankfully most of the people are real and wonderful and considered valued friends that I’ve made exclusively through my blogging.
Credit: Wikipedia
Verily, when it comes to Twitter I value quality over quantity.
And I’m not normally one to come right out and ask for the social connections. Self-promotion is not my strong suit. My strategy so far has been, “just be yourself.” Hmm, on second thought, maybe my social situation isn’t so mysterious after all! 🙂
This time, though, I’m doing a science experiment and I need your help. (Yeah, we’ll call it that.) Last night in front of the telly I wrote a tweet that I instantly fell in love with. I bolted from my chair, but by the time I reached the computer I had already forgotten it. Damn. Then, this morning, a cat rubbed up against my leg and it all came back to me.
@shoutabyss
Tom B. TakerSamuel L. Jackson narrates a new Disney movie: Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking cats on these motherfucking plains!
That’s the tweet. LOL! Sometimes I crack myself up. Too bad most of the world it still missing out on my unique humor stylings and wit. Yeah, it sucks to be them.
So, just this once (yeah right) I’m asking my Twitter and blogging pals: If you like the tweet, please retweet it. Let’s see if we can make it all trendy and shit.
Shameless self-promotion and self-flagellation. That’s the new me.
If you like the tweet, “retweet” it, if you dare.
International Space Station Observatory
The following are recent “Image of the Day” images from the excellent web site NASA Earth Observatory.
Above: Sunset on the Indian Ocean as seen from the International Space Station on May 25, 2010.
Above: When aurora occur near the North Pole they are known as aurora borealis. When they occur near the South Pole they are known as aurora australis. This image is aurora australis as observed from the International Space Station on May 29, 2010.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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