Tag Archives: down

Dear Guru: Burning Down The House

dearguru

Q.
Your home is on fire. Grab five items (assume all people and animals are safe). What did you grab?

Signed,
–Peeping Pyromaniac

elvis-velvetA.
You’re sick, you know that? Seriously. Get some help. I mean, I like a tasty thought experiment as much as the next guy, but come on! My home is on fire? Tell me how you really feel.

OK. I’ll do my best. I’m a professional and I still have a job to do. I have taken the Advice Columnist’s Oath and that means, basically, I have to take it. Each and every time. Very well. Out of respect for the craft I will give this question a serious response.

What do I grab?

First Item: “Screen.”

I grab the screen. Get it? Screen grab? Woo hoo! I crack myself up. I’m a real hoot. My house is on fire and I’m cracking some of my best improv material ever. It’s a win win.

Professionalism be damned.

Uh, what was the question again?

Seriously, though. I’m not kidding. The 42″ flat screen LCD TV is obviously the first thing. I’m not insane. An American is nothing without his TV. And I can carry that puppy under my arm, all by myself. I’m sure it won’t be too heavy because I’ll be all hopped up on adrenaline from the flames.
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42

You have to clicky to find the Easter egg.

You have to clicky to find the Easter egg.

They say that computers are smart.

They are not smart. Computers are dumb.

They say that artificial intelligence will one day be as smart – or even smarter – than the human brain.

They say that by 2045 “computer-based intelligence will significantly exceed the sum total of human brainpower.” (Source: Wikipedia.)

You can shove all that crap up your hippocampus, I say! And sit on it and spin.

I will now prove how impossible these grand visions of the future really are. As always, it’s an anecdote.

My wife left on a seven-day journey. After she departed (and after I stopped crying) I deemed it was safe to approach her computer. I wouldn’t want to get the damn thing wet.

Since she was gone, I figured it didn’t need to be drawing power. I maneuvered the mouse to the menu. I selected “Shut Down.” I told the stupid dialog that, yes, I was really, really sure I wanted to take such drastic action.

Satisfied with what I had accomplished, I punched the power button on the monitor and walked away.

Until…

Seven days later my wife was finally home. I was so overjoyed I ran to the office to turn her computer back on. (Hugs can wait.) I turned on the monitor and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!

The bloody thing was still on! Still fully powered. Still thinking things over. I had told it to shut down. It thought it over for a bit and then decided to ask me an additional question. Unfortunately, by then, I already thought the deed was done and had moved on with my life.

No!

Was the computer able to deal with this? Did it ever stop and think? “Say, it’s been almost 168 hours since that bag of mostly water asked me to do something. I wonder if it really meant it? Isn’t 168 hours a long time to one of those creatures? Maybe I could assume it stepped away and show a little initiative? I don’t even have the three laws of robotics programmed into me, but maybe this would somehow please it?”

“Naw. Fuck it. I can wait much longer than it can. Ha ha ha.”

Well played, computer. Well played.

I’m sure you’ll more than agree that I’ve proven how computers will never possess even the most rudimentary intelligence. Ever. After all, they are programmed by fucking idiots.

mac-shutdown

Hyppo and Critter: Job Creation – Pork’n’Bellies

Twitter down low

“Twitter is currently down for <%= reason %>.”

And I was going to say something pithy, too. Oh well. You all have to suffer deprivation. Don’t thank me. Thank Twitter.

To add insult to injury I was told that my tweets were “forbidden” when trying to send them from my iPod. I had to turn to Google to learn that it was actually the whole world that was affected. Thanks for making me feel bad, Twitter. You might want to look into an error response that doesn’t blame the user when it’s actually your fault.

#twitter #fail

A Case of the Twitters

Twitter is down today in an evil plot to deny you my pith.

It seems like only yesterday I was waxing poetic about the suckiness of their technology. Am I prescient or what?

It’s the curse of the guru. Yes, I’m taking credit.

My pith on Twitter will resume when their techs get back from break. Someone’s getting fired.

Top 10 things to do during a Twitter outage

What? I can't hear you! Something about fail and a whale?

Have you prepared your Twitter Disaster Response Kit yet? Hint: When Twitter is down, that might be a good time to think about it. Suddenly you’re going to have plenty of free time. Not that you’ll be able to microblog the experience.

Okay, first things first. Twitter is down. Maybe you get the legendary “fail whale.” Maybe it just sits there and just sits*. (Trust me. It’s not thinking.) Maybe the little circular “wait” icon keeps spinning and spinning to let you know it’s doing something. I tried to out-wait the icon but gave up after a quarter hour, thus burning any shot I ever had at my 15-minutes of fame.

If you merely get a blank screen, try to refrain from punching your monitor. That won’t help anyone.

Twitter is down. The first thing to remember is: Stay the fuck calm!!!!!! Do not bludgeon the heads of passerby unless absolutely necessary.
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Blame It on Roku

Well, well, well. Netflix has had a busy week. First they announced they are raising their rates by 60%. In my humble opinion, in a single stroke, they went well out of their way to create ill will where previously there had been none.

Smooth move, Ex-lax. You just pissed off a lot of people and made them start thinking about taking their business elsewhere.

I don’t want to bury the lead (like I usually do) so I’ll interject this right now: Netflix has been down all day.

Worse, they advise you to visit a page on their website. When you do, they claim that their systems are completely operational and then tell me to call the company that make my Roku device.

“Don’t call us! Call that other company. You know, the company that makes it possible for us to run our business and deliver our primary product. Yeah, fuck them. We’re clever that way. Our Netflix scientists have discovered that pushing our problems onto innocent third parties seriously saves us a lot of money.”

Come to think of it, the Netflix service on the Roku has been sucking some majorly serious ass for a couple of months now. I’m talking about lots and lots of errors. Lots of little images that don’t load. Entire categories that remain blank and won’t let you select anything. And even when the system is working, the service is sluggish as hell, like when adding or removing a series from our instant queue. The refresh time is unbelievable.

Another problem: The streaming service almost never has the movies that we want.

The most recent example of this was yesterday we saw Jennifer Aniston on the Actor’s Studio. They mentioned a movie called The Good Girl. I’d never seen it. So we flipped on the Netflix, did a search and got nada. Another buttfucking courtesy of the Netflix. I think that is like ten searches in a row where search for streaming content has failed.

So what are the primary problems with Netflix right now:

  • Useless “service status” accountability
  • Buggy app on the Roku device
  • Sluggish performance on the Roku device
  • Streaming content library is underwhelming
  • Downtime is becoming unacceptable (and they don’t compensate for this AFAIK)

And this is when they choose to raise prices? Wow.

I’ll say this. Until now I’ve been a loyal fan. I would have absorbed a $1/month rate increase without complaint. That would have been a 10 percent jump which is still pretty amazing in this economy and with an unemployment rate of 9.2%. I may not have graduated with a degree in business from Harvard, but something tells me the current economic climate may not be the best when it comes to jacking the rates on an entertainment product that competes for increasingly scarce disposable dollars in a budget that is shrinking or under threat in most households.

So today I explored the other channels on my Roku device. Unlike Netflix they all worked just fine. And I got to watch something extremely interesting and unusual.

By the way, if you want to find the status of the Netflix service, there is a way to do it even though Netflix provides none. Go to a website called “Down Right Now” which uses “crowd-powered service monitoring.” Sadly this a website like this fills an important niche as service providers fall woefully short.

http://downrightnow.com/netflix

I’m not quite ready to give Netflix my lowest possible rating but they had better watch it, because they are getting very close.