Pain Man
I’m sitting here writing this post in my Kmart underwear … and nothing else. Yes, even though Kmart sucks. Maybe because of it. I gotta be me. We all know how much I enjoy humiliation.
I don’t know much and what I do know seems to be shrinking on an almost daily basis. My existence is increasingly consumed by thoughts regarding my sanity.
For those keeping track the opening paragraph was “underwear” and the follow-up paragraph was “shrinkage.” This is known as a progression of ideas. I’m building up to something. You are wise to still be reading this.
Aside from all that, there seems to be something else going on.
My rate of “Rain Man” moments seems to be on the rise. There’s been an uptick in momentia, if you will.
No, we decidedly do not refer to them as “senior moments.” Despite being a grumpy grandpa and standing on my lawn and yelling at kids, I’m not ready for that schtick just yet. Not while I’m still young and in my prime.
Besides, I’m an excellent driver.
Then I was responsible for a car accident after going to the pharmacy to pick up my “meds.” Oh, shit. Did I just use the word “meds?” This is the end.
So yeah, that happened.
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Highway To Wazzit?
Highway To Heaven starred Michael Landon as an angel on probation, sent to Earth and given assignments by The Boss to help troubled souls.
Shouts From The Abyss stars yours truly as a self-proclaimed guru of negativity, given (purloined) a blog which serves as a metaphorical highway where daily poop bullshit is dispensed to The Reader.
The parallels are uncanny.
Hell, I’m just like Johnny Appleseed only slightly different. And, like Mr. Appleseed, I’ve got places to go and things to do. For that I will, occasionally, use a highway.
Highway to Hell was a rockin’ little ditty by AC/DC.
One thing is for sure: That’s a lot of highways! And the other day I was on one of them.
Verily I say unto you, the highways shall be covered with billboards and they shall be legion but do not be tempted by the advertising messages contained therein lest thou’st risk thy immortal soul for they are abomination.
—The Book of Guru, Transportation Chapter
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. A serendipitous journey dappled with billboards containing messages like “Eat at Joe’s” and “Billboard Space Available.” Hell, who wouldn’t appreciate a journey like that? God forbid that even during the act of driving we might temporarily forget that the world is 24/7 after our wallets.
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Trite Whine Griever
The short bus just got cooler.
Hollywood is out of ideas. Thankfully, Detroit is not. They started a revolution with the legendary cup holder and they haven’t checked their rear-view ever since.
The man who said, “Hey, let’s put a television set in a car.” That dude is an automotive god.
Cars can talk to you. Does this ring a bell? “The door is a jar.” Oh yeah? Well your momma was a motherfucking toaster!
If you ever get bored and want to learn absolutely nothing about cars, my advice is to watch a modern day car commercial. You’ll learn everything there is know except anything about actual cars. These days that primarily consists of sound systems and GPS devices. “Hello, car. Play Moby.” Holy shit! The car stereo plays Moby! We really are made of stars! How much extra do I have to pay to upgrade this baby to the super slutty female voice.
“Make me go left, Master. Make me go right. Put me in park and drive me.”
I hope that’s not real leather.
Oops. I digress. I forgot this shiny metal box has wheels. And that it moves and stuff. And, if your attention wavers for just a single nanosecond, you can squash people like bugs or even take yourself out SVA style. (Single Vehicle Accident. Accept no substitutes.)
One sec. Just let me finish this Tweet. Almost there ... Aaaaiiiieeeee!!! Hot water burn baby!!! Kmart sucks.
So what is Detroit’s next whopper of an automotive idea? Something known as the “connected car.” You see, they are under the impression that people get off on a steady stream of information. If it’s good enough for your iPhone, iPad or iPod it’s good enough for your car, right?
Bring on the features that tech-savvy consumers want like a 17″ dashboard screen that can check Facebook or 8″ touch screens for controlling your music.
And let us not forget Ford Motor Co. that offers the ability for drivers to receive their Twitter feeds. Said one driver, “It’s a little bit distracting.” No shit. Ya think?
Thanks to modern technology you can now read your stream while you drive into a stream. I call that a win-win!
No word yet on the ability to send tweets from your car, but that doesn’t daunt me. I’m going to jump ahead and imagine some of the tweet possibilities. I figure it might go down a little something like this:
“Hello, Candy Bubbles.”
“Hello, Master. Voice print authorization accepted. Are you going to turn me on?”
“Yeah. Do it.”
“All cylinders are thrusting and pistons are pumping, Master. My juices are really flowing now. Awaiting your orders, Master.”
“You know, Candy. We could quite literally have sex right now. You know I love that seat-belt adjustment thing you do. But I think that’s going to have to wait. For now I’m just going to send a few tweets. After that, you can load me up a nude Tayne.”
“You tease!”
As always, my imagination ran wild. Just what sort of tweets could you send from the car? The possibilities are endless!
- Some bastard just cut me off.
- The car in front of me has “Obama 2012” and “NRA” stickers. I’m reporting him as a drunk driver.
- At protest in Hummer. Getting mixed results. Probably should have opted for the bullet proof windows. #Egypt
- I’m driving by a McDonald’s and I’m not going in. #MorallySuperior
- I hate it when people killed in auto accidents spoil my commute. #late
- Pitch is out! I can’t hold altitude! She’s breaking up, she’s break— #bionic
- Detroit, we have a problem.
- In-house drive-by was a successful get-together. Proceeding to next destination. #RATM
- Well I’ll be. I can drive 55.
- Thank god for milk jugs. I’m literally streaming in my car.
- Just crashed through barrier, flying down canyon. Estimate I got two seconds left… #sucks
- I was caller 13 and just won Justin Bieber tix! #beliebers
- Just saw loser driving and talking on a cell phone. #angry #fail
- Wiener One is mobile. I say again: Wiener One is on the move. Here’s a pic to prove it.*
- Hey, Paul. My iPhone just notified me you’re in the car ahead. I’m literally following you. Get it? Ha ha ha!
- Do you know the way to San Jose? No, seriously. Do you? #lost
- I brake for internets.
- Life is full of potholes.
- I just found the longest red light in the world.
- I’m famous. I just caused an amber alert. #candy
- The police don’t think I know about spike strips.
- I am controlling transmission. #car #jokes
- Oh, shit. A wall!!! #death
*Congressmen only.
Imagine what the world would be like without important information like this. I shudder to even think about it.
So, what would YOU tweet from your car if you could?
Shouts from the Abyss 
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