J.J. Abrams is your father!!!
There are so many great moments in the history of Star Wars:
Darth Vadar cuts Obi-Wan Kenobi in half with his lightsaber.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Darth Vader reveals that he is Luke Skywalker’s baby daddy.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
George Lucas gets an idea for a new character to provide comic relief.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Disney Corporation gobbles up Lucasfilm Corporation.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
The White House rejects a petition to build the Death Star.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
J.J. Abrams announced as director of Star Wars 7.
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
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When You Wish Upon A Star Wars
Once upon a time I decided to live tweet/microblog the storm of the century.
I’m talking about, of course, the acquisition of Lucasfilm (including the Star Wars franchise) by Disney. Weather phenomena are dwarfed in significance by the galactic magnitude of this event.
Let the news be spread far and wide, all the way to the Outer Rim systems. (Some of you will get this joke.)
Today’s regularly scheduled post has been cancelled so I can bring you continuing coverage of this breaking arm-slicing news.
By the time you read this post, workers will have pulled down the “Skywalker Ranch” sign and replaced it with “Mickey Mouse Ranch.” It doesn’t have quite the same ring, does it? And the statue of Yoda in the courtyard will have been replaced by Jiminy Cricket. Such is the way of things. One philosopher gets traded in for another. Such is the way of The Force.
Disney imagineers are already hard at work to bring more fire scenes to the continuing saga of the Star Wars and, most likely, a few hidden references to “sex” for those freeze-frame fanatics willing to find them. You can’t imagine how good it feels to find an animator’s easter egg hidden in a Disney film. And for most of these egg hunters it’s the one and only time they’ll ever find “sex.” Ha ha ha.
Enough talk! More tweets. I’ve been looking forward to having you for dinner.
–Darth Vader to Sebastian the Crab
Without further ado, bring on the tweets!
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A cry for help
Did you hear the one ... ?
When it comes to social media I guess you could say I act just like my real life self: Socially awkward.
I don’t have that many followers on my Twitter. Currently I’m at an all-time high with 68. And a lot of those are people who describe themselves as “founders” of consulting companies, entrepreneurs, and social media experts. In other words, people who will follow practically anyone (self-evident, I know!) and don’t actually know a damn thing about me.
Thankfully most of the people are real and wonderful and considered valued friends that I’ve made exclusively through my blogging.
Credit: Wikipedia
Verily, when it comes to Twitter I value quality over quantity.
And I’m not normally one to come right out and ask for the social connections. Self-promotion is not my strong suit. My strategy so far has been, “just be yourself.” Hmm, on second thought, maybe my social situation isn’t so mysterious after all! 🙂
This time, though, I’m doing a science experiment and I need your help. (Yeah, we’ll call it that.) Last night in front of the telly I wrote a tweet that I instantly fell in love with. I bolted from my chair, but by the time I reached the computer I had already forgotten it. Damn. Then, this morning, a cat rubbed up against my leg and it all came back to me.
@shoutabyss
Tom B. TakerSamuel L. Jackson narrates a new Disney movie: Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking cats on these motherfucking plains!
That’s the tweet. LOL! Sometimes I crack myself up. Too bad most of the world it still missing out on my unique humor stylings and wit. Yeah, it sucks to be them.
So, just this once (yeah right) I’m asking my Twitter and blogging pals: If you like the tweet, please retweet it. Let’s see if we can make it all trendy and shit.
Shameless self-promotion and self-flagellation. That’s the new me.
If you like the tweet, “retweet” it, if you dare.
Meet a formerly wild and crazy guy
The renaissance man in action back when he was younger, circa 1977
“Just the other day.. I went home with this girl.. and she had the best pussy I have ever seen….
AW CMON!! I was talking about her cat! You people make me sick!
[pause]
That cat was the best fuck I ever had…”
…Steve Martin (admittedly paraphrased by yours truly from memory)
It seems to me like women are all a gaga over Steve Martin these days. Comedian, author, musician, actor, screenwriter, and all-around renaissance man.
Poop on that.
Over 30 years ago I knew a different Steve Martin. One that was cutting edge and on the fringes of good taste. One that told ribald jokes. Yeah!
Then he went all soft and started making movies like “Father of the Bride” and “Cheaper By the Dozen.” Ungh. Admittedly, though, I’ve never seen either one of those movies. You can always pinpoint when someone cutting edge goes soft and gains commercial success, i.e., sells out.
Did you know that Steve Martin was inducted as a “Disney Legend” in 2005? He started working at Disneyland at the age of 10 (after school, on weekends and during the summer). He did jobs like selling programs and dressing up like a cowboy and selling lasso ropes. Later he spent a lot of time hanging around “Merlin’s Magic Shop” in Fantasyland. He learned jokes and practiced magic and made balloon animals.
I guess his status as former employee is why Disney claims him as one of their own.
To celebrate the 50th anniversary of Disneyland, Martin even appeared as a “co-star” with Donald Duck in a movie called, “Disneyland: The First 50 Magical Years.” I can’t help but wonder if he got second billing to a cartoon duck.
I wonder if Disneyland has the joke that started this post enshrined somewhere for all of the kiddies to see?
This post is basically a PSA. I just wanted all of the women in the world to know a little something about Martin’s earlier comedy stylings. Let us not forget the type of comedy he relied upon to make it to the big time. You know, back when he was really cool.
Now Martin has a new softer and gentler kind of comedy he usually employs. Here’s a recent example where he shows off his “atheist hymnal.” It’s cute but not quite like the old days.
Walking Short
I was wondering: Is it possible to pinpoint the exact moment when someone who was previously hardcore loses their ball sack? My working theory is that it has to do with starring in a Disney movie or being the voice for an overly cutesy cartoon character.
Let’s use Dwayne Johnson as an example. Sure he started out as some sort of cartoonish wrestling character, but eventually he became successful enough to pull down some “bad ass” roles in movies. I actually really liked his performance in “Walking Tall” where he grabbed a stick of lumber and cleaned up a town. Back then he had wood. It was believable. He chewed up the screen on that one.
Following up that performance, though, is “Race to Witch Mountain” and “Tooth Fairy.” Woosh! There went the ball sack and all the cred he so carefully built. 🙂
Steve Martin is someone else who lost his edge. Back in the day he was wearing rabbit ears and an arrow through the head and was joking about his “girlfriend’s pussy.” (The punchline: That cat was the best fuck I ever had.) Somewhere between that joke and “Cheaper By The Dozen” he totally lost it. Ball sack misplaced. Now he’s merely a multi-talented renaissance man that drives the ladies wild, but at what cost? He’s lost the edge that got him started.
Who else falls into this phenomenon? Eddie Murphy I think. Who else? I know one thing. Not Adam Sandler. He never had it. But I’ll bet there are lots of others who did and have since lost it. And I don’t blame them. If I was offered that kind of money for my ball sack I’d gobble it up, too.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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