Self Serving Portions
Wow. My boss must be moonlighting as a copywriter for food processing companies. Enjoy the observational humor and wit. “Serving suggestion.” That cracks me up.
“This is only a suggestion, mind you, but we recommend it puts the product in its mouth. Masticate and swallow as necessary. Repeat these steps until product is all gone gone.”
I hope this wisdom will be preserved so thousands of years from now when future archeologists are studying us they’ll be amazed at what we came up with.
Don’t try eating that meat with a spoon. No, no, no. That won’t do at all.
In the Taker household, late at night, basking in the warm glow of the television set, cries of “Treat, treat!” can often be heard.
Household policy dictates that the person who didn’t make dinner (that would usually be me) is in charge of rounding up and serving the evening dessert. Additionally, the person who is receiving the treat gets to make the choice between the two servings. This ensures fair distribution of product. It is strictly prohibited to give yourself a giant bowl of ice cream and pawn off a tiny bowl on your mate. Bad form.
Sometimes, though, when one is feeling particularly cruel and devious, the notion of “servings per container” may come into play. That’s when things really get dicey.
Baked Valaska
Head Chef
Today we feature a traditional dessert from the Abyss Recipe Cookbook that you’re bound to enjoy time and time again unless you try it on yourself.
The valaska is a long thin light axe used in past centuries by shepherds in the Carpathian Mountains, especially in Slovakia, Czech Republic, Poland, Ukraine and Hungary. The features of a valaska combine a tool with a walking stick, that could be used as a light weapon. It has symbolic historical and cultural connotations and is still used as a prop in many traditional dances, for example the odzemok.
Note: For this recipe a valaska with an ovenproof handle is a must.
You can find valaska in any quality Czech hardware/weapons store. If not available in your area, a hatchet may be used instead. The results will be similar.
Akutaq (aka Eskimo Ice Cream) is traditionally made with animal fat but you can make your own using Crisco as a modern substitute. Reindeer tallow, if you can get it, is highly recommended.
Baked Valaska
Ingredients:
- 1 valaska (see note), traditionally a little over 1 metre in length
- 4.2 pounds of akutaq (may be substituted with gelato, frozen yogurt, or ice cream)
Directions:
Serving suggestion.
Preheat oven to 450 degrees. This temperature is necessary for a cooking process known as searing.
Place the valaska in the preheated oven for about 20 minutes or until an angry crimson glow can been seen. If the valaska won’t fit, it is permissible to place the valaska with the head-piece inside and the handle sticking out. Adjust cooking time as necessary.
While baking, prep the akutaq by placing it in a large metal bowl.
When the valaska is ready, carefully remove from oven (it will be hot). Dip the head-piece into the bowl of akutaq ensuring a full equal coating. The combination of heat and cold will sear the akutaq creating a fond.
Garnish with fresh slices of human head.
Variations:
- Add eight (8) pieces of crisped bacon, crumbled, during akutaq prep
- Aim for the kneecaps
- Vegetarians: Replace akutaq with a pine nut pesto
Bon appétit!
From Grandma’s Kitchen: “Baked Valaska doesn’t kill people. People do! En garde!“
A big appetite for sharing dessert
Image source: Wikipedia
Hey. Who’s hungry? And who likes math?
I’m always hungry for math. Thanks to Mars Snackfood US, LLC, I just came across another opportunity to feature some math on my blog. Thank you, Mars. Woot!
Today we will undertake a sweet tutorial of solving a math problem. Grab your calculators and play along as we attempt to divide the rational number 3.27 by 2. Sound like fun? Keep reading!
In my grubby little fingers I’m holding a bag of Peanut M&M Chocolate Candies. The bag proudly says “Sharing Size – 2 Servings” with a quite colorful design featured prominently on the bag.
If you are clever perhaps you’ve already guessed that the bag contains delicious product in the amount of 3.27 ounces. Thar she blows!
Let’s say I want to share this awesomely sharable bag with my friend Cher. (It could happen.) How much will each of us get? Hmm. That’s 3.27 divided by two or …
1.635 ounces each!
Let’s be generous and round that up 1.64 ounces. Oh yes, that sounds like a lot more now.
You better bring your hungry man appetite for this substantial desert. 1.64 ounces? Wow. Can a human eat that much in one sitting?
Brace yourself: Those 1.64 ounces pack a punch. That’s a whopping 240 calories per serving size. Or, in terms most Americans will probably understand, that’s 480 calories per bag. For most of us the concept of “serving size” doesn’t mean a whole hell of a lot. How many of us ever eat one-half of a bag of M&M’s and then stop?
As if that isn’t enough, for added bonus there is also 20mg of sodium, or about 1% of DV. (Daily Value.) Don’t worry. It won’t fill you up too much. Probably.
Raise your hand if you feel full? Oh, I feel full alright. But not of M&M candies. What else can you be full of, I wonder? 🙂
Now that you’ve solved a math problem grab one of these small bags of M&M candies and find a friend to share half. You’ll be glad you did!
Shouts from the Abyss 
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