Let Your Freak Flag Fly
Piggly Wiggly
(Theme song to The Dukes Of Hazzard)
Just’a good ol’ boys
Never meanin’ no harm
Spendin’ all their summer days
With a pig in the barn
Makin’ their way
The only way they know how
By tryin’ to milk a bull
Just’a same as a cow
I’m a visionary. Decades ago I thought the Confederate Flag was as queer as a three dollar bill. It just took a while for this notion to become trendy enough for y’all to take it down.
I have a few words to say on the subject. As you can probably reckon from the subtle opening, I’m here to treat the topic with all the reverence that it deserves. I’m also going to try to avoid repeating all the same tired arguments we’ve heard from both sides of the issue.
A national Gallup poll this month found that 32% of Democrats and 78% of Republicans view the flag as a symbol of “Southern pride” rather than one of “racism.” Let that stick in your craw for a bit.
At the same time, 64% of whites favored the “Southern pride” view while only 19% of blacks felt the same way. Ya think?
Seldom are numbers so astonishingly black and white.
Demon PITA
Back when I was in the e-biz, we had two kinds of clients: Demon and PITA. Some things never change.
Tom’s Law #42
Like a boss or a customer in a restaurant, anyone paying you money to do work on their behalf believes it is their duty to make your life a living hell.
Demon clients are customers where you lose money. They are basically squeaky wheels that aren’t worth the grease to fix. (That’s not to say, however, that a fix would be having them greased.)
Consider: You and another person are customers of some product or service. You pay on time, are reasonable, and an all-around good egg. The other person, however, is slow to pay, constantly whines, excessively consumes your time and resources, and basically sucks your life away like the machine in the dungeon in The Princess Bride. Coincidentally they use the word “inconceivable” a lot.
What if you both pay the same rate? If so, then simply by being nice, you are getting ripped off. Big time. Essentially your function is subsidizing assholes.
Smart companies know this and charge demon clients more and good clients less. Generally speaking, less subsidizing that goes on the better. Subsidizing is an affront to concepts like fairness and equity.
PITA? That stands for, of course, “Pain In The Ass.”
When you combine demon and PITA into a single client? That’s where the magic happens. That’s when it’s truly something special. A singular experience worth writing home about.
Space-Time Ice-Creamium
Recently, after some Lebonese dinner across town, my wife said, “There’s an ice cream place only two blocks away. Let’s go!”
I was already full. Case in point: She was toting a box of leftovers but I was not. Mine had been crammed down my gullet. This scenario would soon allow me to put my advanced decision-making skills on display.
We walked into the shop and it was what I like to describe as “Portland cute.” The place was constructed to look post-industrial. This means concrete walls, vaulted ceilings with lots of duct work, lighting fixtures that hang all the way down from the ceiling and, of course, the pièce de résistance of the Portland eatery scene: the fake garage door. Those things are ubiquitous around here, perhaps even on par with the fedora and other trendy chapeaux.
Continue reading →
T-shirt idea: Divide and Canker
This is about a t-shirt idea I worked up for a post earlier this week. I decided against using it. Then I changed my mind. Here it is! (Click to read more. You know you wanna. What has the super-freak done this time? You’ll only find out if you click. Unless you get off on denial.)
Continue reading →
I’ve got the Juice!
When life gives you lemons make yourself invisible and steal some shit…
Today’s t-shirt idea is a tribute to a bank robber from 1995 with panache and a fresh lemony scent.
McArthur Wheeler, age 45, 5’6″ tall and 270 pounds, was a man on a mission when he walked into a Fidelity Savings Bank, brandished a gun and demanded money.
There were two interesting quirks about his robbery attempt.
First, he made absolutely no attempt at disguise or hiding himself from security cameras.
Second, his eyes were burning, he had to squint, and he was having trouble with his vision.
About an hour after the robbery Wheeler was easily located and arrested by police, who had no trouble identifying the suspect from the surveillance tapes.
When interviewed, Wheeler expressed surprise at being caught. “But I wore the juice,” he explained.
Yes, during the robbery, Wheeler had covered his face with lemon juice. He was under the impression that coating his face with lemon juice would protect his image from being recorded by cameras. (Apparently he wasn’t worried about any witnesses identifying him later, either.)
Wheeler was no dummy. Prior to the robbery he had performed “various tests” including taking a self-portrait with a Polaroid camera. When he didn’t see himself in the picture, he reasoned that the juice must have rendered him invisible!
Later it was theorized that he simply must have aimed the camera poorly.
I loved the phrase, “But I wore the juice!” so much I decided to immortalize it in this t-shirt design. I would be proud to wear this t-shirt anywhere since I would also like very much to be invisible. It sure would come in handy. Squinty and painful eyes are a small price to pay for that!
This post is based on a story in the New York Times about a theory that some stupid people are too stupid to know that they are stupid. Or something like that.
2012: Logo Obama vs Logo Romney
It’s winner take all in this battle of the presidential wannabe logos:
 Barack Obama |
 Mitt Romney |
Obama wins by a landslide!
I’m being unbiased and open-minded as hell when I declare Obama as the winner in this battle of the logos! I mean, come on, Mitt! What the fuck is that thing?
Tom’s Law #42
A logo similar to one I could make myself is a failure.
I was racking my brain. Where in the name of Zeus’ butthole have I seen that logo before?
Aquafresh
Oh yeah! That’s where. It doesn’t feel very “presidential” to have a logo that’s reminiscent of toothpaste, but maybe that’s just me. Mitt is minty fresh! “Minty Romney.” Yeah, I like the sound of that.
Dubya, Barry and Minty. Sounds like a freak presidential version of the Pep Boys.
But wait. There is still some other nagging feeling about that logo. What could it be?
Carnival Cruise Lines
Oh yeah. That’s it.
“Okay, Mitt. Here’s the deal. We came up with a bunch of logos for you to choose from. Remember, this is critical. Which one do you like?”
“I’m rather partial to the one that looks like a blurry, pathetically fat ‘R’. R is for Romney. Get it?”
“Oh, God.”
If the logo is any indication of Romney’s decision making skills, I can guarantee we do not want him to be president. Ever.
Other Wannabe Logos
Note: I visited the websites of some people who have campaigns and attempted to locate their “logos.” The images I found (shown below) may or may not officially be “logos.” It’s not like they offer them up on a silver platter as an easy download for my convenience. I apologize in advance for any logo misrepresentation. I did my best!
Sarah Palin – As a candidate who hasn’t announced yet, she’s still a no show in this department. When it finally does pop on the scene, I’m sure it will have eagles and mountains, amber waves of grain, and be fruited all across the plains. It may also have a book, crosshairs, helicopter and/or a bus.
Rick Santorum
Meh. Not much to see here. Yes, it does have an eagle, but the colors are off and I could have made something even better. Take one letter of your name and substitute it with something that looks like that letter. That is so Google.
Ron Paul
Another eagle. The colors are better, and it has a more official look. Meh. Use a fancy thing known as a “font” and flourish up a single letter. Now that is what I call design.
Jimmy McMillan
The graphic designer costs must also be too damn high! This is actually my favorite. Go, Jimmy, go!
Tim Pawlenty
This one feels so deco. And just a hint of American flag. That is subtle and works on levels. Also, he boldly explores the seldom used red, white and blue color scheme. That is daring and shows outside-the-box thinking. Personally, though, if I was running for president I’d go with green and blue.
Newt Gingrich
This logo was actually designed to Newt’s exacting standards. “I want red, white and blue.” (Of course.) “Also, put a wavy red thing and a star somewhere.” Also noteworthy: No last name. Newt thinks he is on par with Cher, Madonna and Sting. Ego much?
Michele Bachmann
I’ve actually seen signs for city council that far surpassed this one. The only interesting thing here is that the “H” is trying to flash us. Another example of single-letter-flourish “design.” No eagle, either. Is she anti-American? Perhaps she could add a turkey to set herself apart. That was Benjamin Franklin’s choice for our national bird, after all.
Shouts from the Abyss 
Recent Comments