Cause of the Day #vote
At last, at last! It’s voting day at last! You see, I have a dream. It involves not having my intelligence insulted every single time I turn on the damn TV. I mean, more than usual.
For the United States it is voting day at last.
As early as tomorrow freedom will ring across the land as all the political ads will finally stop running. Yes, for once in my life, I’ll be happy to hear about side effects (up to and including death), how much money I won’t have in my retirement and garments specially designed for Americans and made in China so they can inhale whole containers of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream (where a pint is still 16 ounces) and finger the remote control – all at the same time!
This day brings a lot of craziness.
I’m not going to miss the ads. Let’s take a look at Measure WTF. Ostensibly this measure was brought to the ballot via the citizen initiative process. What does that mean? Most likely that paid canvassers collected the signatures. What’s that? I love the smell of democracy in the morning.
Khan With The Wind
I sit here, my tushy gleefully ensconced in a chair of rich, Corinthian leather, in the mood to share a story that really blows. -Ed
It’s been about eight months since we moved to the big, big city of Portland, Oregon. The snow storm was fun. Sure, it wasn’t the 50′ of being buried alive of my dreams, but it was cute. We spent seven cozy days “trapped” in our home.
Then came the wind.
Last night the wind mercilessly ravaged our house. As much as I’m loathe to consider any weather-related thought, it finally crossed my mind: Jeez, when is the wind going to die down?
Sure, I enjoy as much as the next person finding my garbage cans tossed about and the contents strewn about the neighborhood. Who doesn’t? But even that can eventually get old.
What gives? Is this typical for Rip City? Or is it something new, perhaps a harbinger of doom?
I’m betting on the latter. Take off your helmet, stay awhile and listen. Lend me your ears because I’ve got some of the indigenous lifeforms ready to help us bore down into the story.
Continue reading →
So this is Christmas
Ah. Christmas morning. Most of the drama and family fights are now officially in the books so it’s a nice, quiet foggy morning (no snow) to pause and reflect about what it all really means.
Scratch that. I’ve got a blog to run!
I thought I’d engage Ghost Protocol and revisit some blogs of Christmas past. What’s my Abyss trend on this particular day of the year?
Last year, on Christmas 2012, I went freestyle and blathered about what it means to be offended. Obviously I was thinking the big thoughts. For me, that pretty much covers any thought that isn’t, “Hey, look. A tweet!” Long story short, the post was about my boss. Surprise.
Digging deep, I pulled up the post from Christmas 2011. This one was about road rage, cigarettes thrown out of car windows by thoughtless drivers, my wife flipping the bird at some teens, and a flashback about some miscreants throwing a burger at my car. Good times!
For Christmas 2010 things went slightly against the grain. For that was the year I published the headline, “Tom B. Taker dies in helicopter accident.” It ran with a photograph of my new remote control helicopter crashed on the roof of the house. Boy, was my wife mad. It turned out to be one of my most visited posts ever. What, I wonder, should I infer from that?
Finally, all the way back on Christmas 2009, I posted the heartwarming Christmas tale that I called, “How does a rat get in your toilet?”
I couldn’t find any Christmas day posts published on my blog before 2009. Apparently, before then, I was a bit more normal.
My point is that by studying my post history on previous Christmas days, I hope it is clear like a shining beacon of light for all to see the humility, reverence and grace with which I have approached this most important day.
I hope yours is a good one!
Black Friday Deals Week
Businesses are out promoting and conducting “Black Friday” sales more than a week before Thanksgiving?
Inconceivable!
Black Friday is, by simple definition, the day after Thanksgiving. It is decidedly not the day before. It is not an entire weekend. And, in the name of Zeus’ butthole, it is not the entire third week of November.
Your attempts to redefine the day to satisfy your own insatiable greed is crass and immoral. You know, contrary to that whole Christmas spirit thing which is, if you think about it, the real reason for the season.
I’ve often thought about taking a crack at the retail game myself. My spin would be to insult the fuckshit out of my customer. Yeah, I think that is the approach that would work for me. My style would be loosely based on Dick’s Last Resort Restaurant only on steroids and much more likely to cause my clientele to break out the nunchakus.
Instead of a button on my website called “Place Your Order” my checkout would say something different. “Idiot Want Stuff?” is a top contender. Or, perhaps, “Monkey want banana? Monkey see button. Monkey push button! Monkey get banana.”
Mmm, mmm! Banana!
My store would have a “no bullshit” policy. For example, “If we say it’s in stock, go ahead and push button, monkey. We have it. If not, we’ll give you the motherfucker for free. That’s our no bullshit guarantee.”
The point is, at least I’d be insulting you to your face with dignity, honor, style and grace. I wouldn’t do it like all sneaky subversive like the rest of those namby pamby “Black Friday” giants like Walmart, Best Buy, Kmart, JC Penney, Old Navy, etc. Big box? That’s what we’ll need to bury them in, yo.
Just remember that from the moment they’ve attempted the Black Friday gambit they’ve already insulted you right to you face. And you lap it up like Babe being led to the bacon farm.
I decided to run some more of their bullshit through the universal translator to find out what these stores really think about the marks, fish and dupes who decide to go shopping in the hollow halls. This is all part of my commitment to edification of you, the lowly loyal reader.
Continue reading →
Poundhog Day – Just Lucky I Guess
We now read from the Great Book:
“Oh man, I can’t fucking believe this. Another basement, another elevator. How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?”
–John McClane, The Book of Die Hard, Chapter Two
In other words, I took a day off from work.
I like to keep notes of blog ideas. Voluminous notes. A veritable plethora of tiny chicken scratch scribbles that are only discernable by me, and sometimes not even then.
Then I go out in the world and live my life. This is also known as to fodder. Then the same shit happens to the same guy twice. Suddenly all blog ideas are out the window.
So, in the vast majority of cases, this blog is merely a depiction of “What happened yesterday?” That’s about as intellectual as it gets around here.
In that vein, guess what happened yesterday? Smooth segue, eh?
Getting Down With The Meta-Sickness
It’s the start of a new year. Meh! But it seems as good time as any to review and go over some basic rules that should serve you well in the workplace in the year to come.
Cough, cough.
Ugh. I don’t feel well. So far 2013 has been treating me pretty good. For one day. I could get used to this. Yeah, I’m 0 for 1 on days required to work.
But, get this – by this time tomorrow, 2013 has some decidedly vicious nastiness planned. All good things must come to an end.
What to do? What to do?
I’ve got it. An idea is beginning to germinate. I could – somehow – not go to work. But how? Ask the boss to extend my time off* for an extra day?
Don’t be too hasty. This has to be done in just the right way. And, luckily for you, the expert is here to help. You can thank me later.
Continue reading →
Shouts from the Abyss 
Recent Comments