Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Degeneration
I have come face to face with the devil. No, it’s not me. Not this time. I can’t talk about myself in every post, can I? Sometimes the devil comes in the form of a sweet little girl.
Why is it that when strangers see a baby, an adorable child, or a cute little dog they feel it’s suddenly socially acceptable to interact with same and/or the adults involved?
I hate that. I’ll thank you very much to stay the hell away.
My wife is one of those people. A toddler in a restaurant stands on a seat and stares at my wife. She’ll smile and wave and stuff like that. The nerve.
So the other day there’s a mom and her cute little girl in a restaurant. I was eating my tacos and minding my own business. My wife saw the little girl and smiled. Then, when the mom wasn’t looking, the girl stuck out her tongue at my wife. Three times!
Mom looked back and the little girl went back to adorable peaches and cream. Mom was none the wiser.
The behavior was calculated. The behavior was deliberate. That little girl knew exactly what she was doing. And it wasn’t an innocent act of cuteness, either. There was something vicious behind that tongue. The Marquis de Sade would have proudly declared she had a bright future.
My wife mentioned something about giving the girl a swat on her tushy. It takes a village to raise a child? Try touching someone else’s kid and you’ll be sued until the cows come home. The bank robber that brandished a firearm the other day? The cops arrested him then he was released due to a lack of jail space. Step in and do a job that a parent isn’t willing to do? The catch-and-release program will suddenly be canceled and you’ll be doing hard time. Don’t even think about trying to tell a parent their business.
Me? I mumbled something about “guns” and suddenly I was the one in trouble. My wife accusingly said, “You always take things too far.”
Hey, lady! I’m not the one sticking out my tongue at strangers, so there!
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Skateboarder fail while crossing the street
This is post I wrote last summer. After seeing a picture of a skateboarding pope I knew the time had finally come to share. Enjoy!
There is a certain type of person who wanders this world. They have no clue about what they are doing, no awareness of their surroundings, and no common sense.
Consider your garden variety street skateboarder. They’ll scoot along on their little toy, often only a few feet from where cars zoom by. All it would take is one little pebble to fling them from their board directly into traffic. Time it just right and it is head squishy time and brains splattered on the asphalt.
Oh yeah, we are not talking about your great thinkers here.
The other day I was at a stop sign waiting for my turn to go. In front of me a young man was crossing the street on his skateboard. As he proceeded through the intersection he fell off the board. D’oh! The board squirted backwards out of control in the direction opposite that he had been traveling. I watched as a car just happened to be turning into that same intersection at the exact same moment.
Yep, you guessed it. Tire hit skateboard and KABLEWIE! It was a pretty loud sound.
The driver immediately pulled over and leaped out of his car, probably freaked that he had just hit the kid. In the street the kid simply stood there holding the two separate pieces of what used to be his skateboard. What a dumb ass. Too dumb to know he had just narrowly escaped the gaping jaws of Darwin. I’d bet the only thought running through his head was, “skateboard breaky.” I’m sure he’ll be back in the streets on a new toy as soon as possible.
I just sat in my car and laughed at the perfect timing and the absurdity of that young man standing there with such a look of surprise on his face. It’s like he was saying,”What! Cars here?!?” Yeah, dude. You’re standing on a “street.” It’s a place where cars often go. Sorry but it’s not that surprising.
Good times.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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