¡ Yo Fear-O Taco Bell !
I just had a filler enema!
I am not a foodie. (If you have to paint me in a box go with trekkie.) I know I’ve written about food a lot lately. It’s just this naive bleef that we have a right to know what we eat. And that increasingly the people who make food are seemingly at cross-purposes to that deceptively simple objective. (And sometimes cross-porpoises but that’s another story.)
Take Taco Bell, for example. (Figuratively, not literally, I hope.) A while back there was a hubbub that Taco Bell’s “seasoned beef” was rumored to be 35% beef and 65% other stuff. (Taco Bell eschews the word “filler.”)
Well, Taco Bell wants you to know the truth. They are proud to announced that their “seasoned beef” product is a whopping 88% beef and only 12% other stuff.
Forget about the daily grind, it’s time for an afternoon party! 88% is pretty damn good! Hot mess good. If only we could achieve that standard for everything in life.
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WSJ Asshole Hotline
I love having a brain that is capable of critical thought. Every once in a while a little moment comes along where it kicks in and I’m actually proud of myself. Don’t worry, these moments pass quickly and are soon forgotten.
They say, “Don’t believe everything you read.” Or, “I know it’s true ’cause I saw it on TV.” We all like to act like those truisms don’t apply to us. Only those other lemming idiots. Never us. Yet we fall for it all day long. True moments of “question everything” are few and far between.
I was on my break. In front of me was the day’s Wall Street Journal. Naturally, since he’s a primetime asshole, it’s one of the boss’ favorite publications. You can tell by the level of crumplage and how the pages are strewn about which pages have been read and which ones haven’t. He typically digests the thing in several sittings.
There, on the front of a section he hadn’t gotten to yet I saw the headline, “How To Be A Better Boss in 2013.”
Uh oh. I better check this out, I thought. If it’s really bad I can throw it away and he’ll never know the difference. The last thing I need in my life is the fucking WSJ filling my boss’ already tainted mind with even more evil.
I picked it up and started to read.
“Holy mother of God.”
Creep Thoughts
Little known fact: This sculpture was originally called “Man on Toilet Frustrated by Crossword Puzzle.” True story.
Today I was pondering the nature of existence. No biggie. Mostly because I woke up and shit and had to deal with it. What can I say? Being alive one more day is outside (mostly) of my direct control. And I’m too damn lazy to do anything differently. Like expend actual effort.
I decided to tackle this problem logically and treat it like a “proof” in the geometrical sense. Although I haven’t official “solved” anything yet, this is what I came up with so far…
Presidential Emails
Listen up, maggots! They call them presidential campaigns. As we all know, “campaign” is a military term. War is hell. Thus, voluntarily enlisting to receive emails from political campaigns means you are in The Shit.
Wisely I signed up for both campaigns over a year ago. It seems longer. One year in campaign chronology feels more like seven. There. Now we can introduce the word “dog” into the discussion. Like “dog years” and “dogs of war.”
Yes, I said both campaigns. Obama’s and Romney’s. I didn’t bother with the minor players, the lieutenants with feelings of grandeur who thought they were generals. The bit part players with egos bigger than the entire theater. (Another fitting military term that is also descriptive of the activity.)
I never bothered to sign up for emails from Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, Michelle Bachmann, Ron Paul, Tim Pawlenty, Thaddeus McCotter, Jon Hunstman and the remaining cast of characters, so I can’t speak to any bullshit they might have pulled in their campaign emails.
Check it, I’m about to say something positive about Sarah Palin. This will come to be a red-letter date in history. You’ll note Sarah Palin isn’t mentioned in that list of dropouts. Even though she has the ego, too, she never bothered to start, and that seems to indicate an awareness of the world around her that the others lacked. She knew she couldn’t win. And if you know you can’t win, why even bother to try? Thus she wisely ignored the stigma of losing. In politics, you don’t want too many of those. The end up being a lot like those floatation barrels that Quint liked to shoot into Jaws. You can probably handle one or two, but get a couple more poking from the side of your belly and you’ll end up floating on the surface like a listless carp. Trust me. No one wants to see that in politics.
So kudos to Sarah Palin for that. Even though it did free her up for more Defend Freedom bus tours where she sells lots of books. Oh shit. Never mind.
Viola! That’s my intro. Click the jump link for even more… 🙂
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Humanity fail
Here we are in the year 2010. As far as I know, it’s the most recent year we’ve ever had. At least up until now.
I just opened my shiny new Windows Live Messenger 2011 and it shoved some daily news down my throat. (Anyone know how to make my contact list go back to the smaller view?)
The top stories I saw included:
- “Bionic” Man with mind-controlled high-tech arm dies
- Scores dead in Haiti cholera outbreak
- ‘World’s Most advanced’ nuclear sub runs aground
I tugged on a thread of that tapestry and came away with this thought: We humans sure are fallible. Have we learned nothing from the Titanic and Jurassic Park? Life will not be contained. Or, as Yeats so aptly put it: “Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.”
When humans live in unsanitary conditions the risk of disease is greatly increased. You don’t need to be Einstein to know that. And this is how we treat each other? “Welp, they are poor. I guess they deserve it.”
The problem with that logic is that diseases tend to not stop and check a person’s wallet before hopping on for a ride.
The Titanic hit an iceberg almost 100 years ago. A century later and our “most advanced” sub can still make a similar mistake. Learn from history much?
Lastly, regarding the “bionic” man, I only have this to say: Our state of the art transportation system still relies on fragile vehicles powered by the gasoline-powered internal combustion engine. Motorize vehicle, oh how we love thee! Yet that love affair has a high price. 30,000 to 40,000 human beings, on average, are killed every year on our nation’s highways and roads.
What if I came to you and said, “Psst. Hey, buddy! Check this out. I got an idea for a method of transportation that will let that vast majority of people in your country go from any Point A to any Point B that they want, and at the exact moment the want it. Neat, huh? The only downside is that it will kill 30,000 or more people a year. You want this, right?”
Something tells me that we humans aren’t as smart as we seem to think we are.
Shouts from the Abyss 
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